my story

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by bella muerte, Aug 20, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    I've decided to post my whole story... So just to warn you, it'll be a long post.

    Ok here it goes.....

    I was sexually abused by my brother when I was 8 and it continued until I was 11.

    I started high school, quite scared as expected. I fitted in well and got used to high school. It was just there was always something at the back of my mind, something was there, yet I never knew what it was. Strangely it made me nervous, and very shy.
    I started to scratch and hit myself; it was my way of getting control of my feelings,
    I never told anyone. Since the scratches and bruise soon went, so it was the only thing I wanted to do, seeing as it was easy to hide. The pain of not knowing what was at the back of my mind grew and grew. Then the loss of my close uncle in the Tsunami increased the amount of distress I was under. I never complained; let people know how much I was hurting inside. Then I met Megan, she was being abused by her dad, and was a self-harmer too, we became best friends, and always confided in each other.
    I was seeing an almost improvement in my mood. I didn’t feel alone anymore.
    Then I started my second year of high school. October holidays I went on holiday, I had a great time, and it took my mind off the unknown thing in the back of my mind.
    When I came back from holiday, something clicked it in my head, like a light switch, and all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Yet I blocked it out, the pain of knowing what it was crushed me, and I started to cut myself. It made me feel calm, and in control of the pain. Then that fatal day when me and Megan went to the park,
    We were talking about stuff when she said she needed to cut.
    I pleaded with her to not cut, but she did... when she saw me crying she stopped.
    Hugged me tightly , continuously telling me she loved me and she was sorry for upsetting me, she said she would always be my friend, would never forget me.
    I said them same, I would always love her like a sister, and would be her best friend forever. Couple minutes later I noticed she went limp and cold, I looked at her to notice I was covered in her blood. An old man who watched us talking and her self harm then watched in shock her bleeding. He laid Megan on the floor and started to try and revive her, I just stood there motionless, with tears in my eyes. When the ambulance came, and started making its way to the local hospital. I told Megan if she died I would die too, the ambulance woman must of heard me... and concerned about my safety, told doctors, who kept me in until the were satisfied I was no danger to myself. From then on, I was a lifeless zombie, just existing. I started to cut really bad, it was the only thing that numbed the pain and grief of loosing her. Soon my mom saw my arms and was absolutely horrified, I made her a promise that I wouldn’t cut again, and in turn she promised not to tell my dad. I let her down as she found out the second time that I had cut. Yet again I said I wouldn’t cut again. But again I kept cutting, then the last week of the February holidays (06), the Tuesday night, I took some tablets, trying to see if I could make the pain go away, then I cut the worst ever. That and the amount of tablets I took made me faint. I started having serious suicidal thoughts. The next day I had to go my nanas, I remember clearly, I had a long sleeved jacket on, arms stinging and tears screaming to get out. Thursday morning, my mom was taking my brother out. So I was left alone. I ran upstairs starting taking pills with alcohol …I won’t state the amount I took but it was enough to harm my health. I got dressed grabbed my phone and house keys and left the house. As I was walking to the park (the same park where Megan died) two lads from my school called me a bible basher because I went to church. I burst out in tears; they didn’t have the slightest clue of what I had just done. I felt so alone and so invisible. I went to the place where Megan died, and started to cut, no-one was around. I could feel the blood.
    I cried even more, I was sobbing my heart out. Then I walked into the trees… eventually I got lost, then found my way out into a company delivery passage.
    I got scared, I was getting dizzy and feeling weak, so I called the police, telling them I was lost (which was true) and I was scared…then I burst out, and told them what I had just done. They told me to go to somewhere where I could be seen, and soon enough the came along with an ambulance. By that time I was barely conscious, the only thing I remember next is waking up in a hospital bed on a side ward, waiting to be seen by a child psychiatrist. Doctors came in and out, talking to me. I was desperate to close my eyes; I was so tired and weak. But I was kept talking so I didn’t slip unconscious again. I stayed 8 days in hospital. And I was referred to C.A.M.H.S (Child adolescence mental health service). Where I received counselling until the July when my therapist believed I was getting better. After the summer holidays (in which I only cut once) I returned to school for my third year of high school. But I soon started to cut every lesson, everyday. I lost control once again. I was still grieving for my uncle and for Megan, whilst dealing with the knowledge of what happened to me during ages 8-11. About the start of November… I had a breakdown, and I finally told people about the sexual abuse I’d suffered at a young age. Social services got involved, but they did nothing at all to help. I was left high and dry, left to just ‘move on’, yet I had known this since October 2005, I still hadn’t moved on. It was hard, I kept cutting and cutting… but I started talking to a new therapist. I’m still with her now. I talk a little bit more about things, yet I still haven’t talked about the nightmares and flashbacks I get, neither have I talked to her about Megan. I’ve left her and others thinking I’m ok, and ‘recovered’ when I’m the exact opposite. It’s getting harder each day to just get up. I’m desperate for an end to this, but I know I can’t kill myself, I know how much it hurts when someone you love so much kills themselves.

    Thank you for reading my whole story!

    Olivia x
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed


    i am really sorry to have heard about these big losses you have had to endure. as a person who has endured numerous losses herself i can completely relate. i wish you never had to of had to go through any of it. i am also an individual who has been through the assault scene as well, and i really want you to know anytime you feel you need to vent what's going on for you concerning any of this please feel more than free to pm me. i will get back to you, and i am on at some point and time every day of the week. this can be a long road, and you shouldn't have to walk it alone. as long as i'm around you won't have to. i will do whatever i can to help you please know this. i would encourage you to please hang in there with time this all can get better. i would like to walk this road with you. i will let you go for now, and please please if you need to just vent my pm box is open, please use it. i look forward to hearing from you. please take care. liz
  3. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    thanks liz :cry:
    i feel like nothing tbh, like everything that i've been through has drained my life out of me, and i can't get it back.
    everything that i'm feeling now, i can't put it in words :huh:
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    life certainly can feel like. sometimes it's just got a way of sucking us dry. it's up to us to find the well of whatever it takes to just keep going. you can get through this. i completely believe this, and then you can take this and help someone else. seem unrealistic? maybe but it's not. NOT AT ALL. keep sharin' my ears are clean and listenin'

    take care, please

  5. Waugriff

    Waugriff Active Member

    I read your story and let me say, if anything you are very brave. I too have lost something, to me I have lost 4 lives. I am currently in the same position that you where in awhile back and I have to say it takes real courage to try and keep pushing forward. If anything, I considered it a privlege to even read about such a stronger person. Thank you and please keep pushing forward. Your an insperation for people like me.
  6. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    I decided since I haven't been on in ages, I thought I let everyone know how I'm doing :smile:
    I posted my story exactly 1 year and 6 days ago, and I can say I'm still alive!
    I'm still with my therapist, though I'm have my last appointment with her sometime next month, to decide whether I need more sessions or if I'm able to 'go alone' as she calls it.
    A lot of things happened since the last time I was here.
    I have spoken a little more about what consist in my nightmares,
    unfortunate I'm still having them yet they don't disturb my sleep much now. I've learnt to sleep through them.
    This year I hoped would be better year, but I lost another close friend to suicide at start of year. Then 2 family members died, so it is another year of grief. I dealt with it better and I've only cut badly 4 time this year. At moment
    I have slipped up after a month free of cutting, I'm unstable once again.
    So just to let people know I'm ok-ish :huh:
    Good to be back!
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your loss. Megan wouldn't want you to be sad nor would she want you in this state. I'm sure she would only want you to have the best life you can. I'm sure she's very proud to have you as a friend.
  8. camerondavid

    camerondavid Guest

    Wow, hun, you really should talk to your psychiatrist about all of this. She could help you if you would just tell her everything that is going on. I know how hard it is growing up with problems like these. I mean, I never cut or anything. But, I was sexually abused all throughout my childhood up until I was sixteen. And I lost several friends due to some stupid choices I made as a teenager and young adult, like driving while I was drunk with three other people in the car with me. We hit another car that had a young pregnant girl and an eight month old baby in it. It killed them both. Along with two of the people in my car. The other person in my car was paralyzed from the waist down. And all I got was a few cuts and scrapes. Tore me to pieces. And I never talked to anyone about it. I never got help. And I've lived with my choices for years. I'm thirty-six, almost thirty-seven and I think about all of that stuff almost daily. It kills me inside that I never got to tell anyone and really sit and talk to someone about it. So, you should really talk to your psychiatrist. She could really help.
  9. Christianv2

    Christianv2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, Im so sorry for what has happened to you. Sounds like losing Megan was really hard on you especially, I wish I could have someone like you did to confide in, Im so sorry for what you have endured and I hope somehow that you get through it. Well be here for you :)
  10. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    :hug: olivia
    i'm proud of you, for still being here
    that says a lot to me right off.

    i'm so sorry to hear abuot your losses,
    especially your best friend Megan.

    Remember, here at SF, we love you
    and will always listen:hug:

    PM me anytime<33:)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.