my story

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by wanttodie, Sep 17, 2007.

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  1. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    I'm from India.I am the kind of guy who didn't have a social life, never went to parties, lost his job, malicious rumors(which were true actually) were spread about me 3 years back at college. I live in a small town like place where everyone knows each other and there is lot of rumor mongering and behind the back talking. These rumors made their way into my town as some people from my college were from the same town as me. Somehow eventually I accepted that I had social phobia. I stopped going out, stopped talking to anyone and deleted everyone from my yahoo messenger. I can only talk to people online. I managed to get my college degree[with above average/good grades] which was a herculean task but lost my job because I
    ran into these people who tormented me back in college.I'm six foot 3
    inches tall so I was never bullied physically, but I was bullied
    mentally. Even guys half my size would bring me down to my knees with their vicious grins.I'm very weak emotionally. So I decided to move away
    from this country and go to USA for my post graduate education. I got relatives over there who promise me that I will get a job in software over there after my masters. I took this decision 3 months back because it's impossible to live here.I would be going next year. But to my utter dismay, I learn that many of my college mates including the ones who harassed me are also going over there and some of them have already completed or have just
    started their masters program. And also there are many people from my town already settled in USA. I know that chances of me running into
    these people is pretty low but still I'm very apprehensive about
    future. I keep thinking what would happen if I run into people from
    college that made my life unbearable. They would again start spreading
    things about me over there and I would never have peace. When I read
    about coloumbine shootings and the virginia shootings, i started
    having all these bad flashbacks from the past. I could relate to it.
    But I also realize the pain they caused and that it was wrong. If
    everything fails for me, then I guess only alternative is to either be
    placed in a mental institution. Can you believe that ? I've a GPA of
    well over 3.5, why do I deserve this.I'm just too stressed and I can't
    take this anymore. I haven't even moved out of my house for last 3
    years and I can't even gather the courage to go to my college and
    collect my degree.Sick of living in this narrow minded pathetic indian
  2. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    hi there want

    it does sound like you have been living under a lot of stress... i wonder are you seeing someone for the illness.. i understand how difficult it is to go outside our comfort zones.. and it is difficult to be the brunt of jokes/rumors.. I think that if you do come to usa things will be difficult BUT here you have a clean slate... you can reinvent yourself.. you can develope new friends .... new behaviors.. and creat a new way people see you ... than if someone from your past wants to say history about you ... stand strong in the person you are now... and the people who know you now the you of today... ( actually the future you...because you have not come here yet) will only relate to the person they know... not some tales of some one they do not know.... another thing to remember is that we all are works in progress... imperfect... but as long as we continue on... we continue to improve...
  3. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Good on you for shaing your tough story :hug:
    you're wlecome to add me to msn if you ever need to talk. I'm alot like you, only talking to people on the net.
  4. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    thanks ppl

    i thought this thread would eventually go unanswered.

    you are actually right about the fact that i have an oppurtunity to change, but the apprehension i feel about future hinders me from making any progress.
  5. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    And you know what's the worst part of my life ?

    I'm stuck in this small town for well 21 years and staying in a hostile environment contributes exclusively towards the latest rumors floating around.I've grown up with my enemies. People over here are constantly spying on others. Some of them keeping a watch on others with telescopes. What kind of sick shit is that, looking into peoples houses and overhearing arguments ? I'm confident that 90% of the people here are sick and they love to torment others.I've seen people in my town who became mentally ill during teenage despite being excellent at school, people behaving differently, suicides, heartattacks due to excessive stress, divorces very recently etc etc and it's all because of the fact that people love to mentally torment others. This one guy I know ran away from his house just to escape the infamy heaped by his colleagues because of his failure at school. And now he is suffering from some kind of mental illness, his behaviour is awkward. I'm actually hypersexual[which i ascribe to my sexual abuse/exploitation by some kids] and I've embarassed myself in public. This kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable in indian society. We are a very narrow minded society. Atleast those of you living in US don't have to endure this type of shit.People don't look it at as a problem but something to laugh at no mater how much i improve myself. I want to come to US just to escape this but I really don't know if there is a point if I'm ultimately ridiculed in USA as well.
  6. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    Also..I have one suggestion for those of ou who are in a similar predicament. I know this is ironic considering that I'm in shitty situation myself, but still I will make my point- Please don't let yourself get overwhelmed by these people atleast not until you get some kind of degree that has worth in the market.If you jsut drop out of highschool/college because of this fear, then you will have no chance at all for your life. I say this because I have seen posts by kids here who are scared of going to school because of the shit they endure. There was a point in my life, when the whole college which is like 1600-1700 people, were laughing at me n joking every day about my sexuality. It was horrible and I felt like dropping out. But still I just endured all this pain just for the sake that I didn't want to let my parents down. Ofcourse, I went down from an A student to B student for a while but then again I pulled up my grades slightly towards the end. Just remember that none of these poeple laughing at you will come and wipe your tears when you are cold and hungry. With a degree you atleast have a semblance of a hope. You can always move to some other place and start afresh.
  7. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Going out there and getting a degree can be tough. Especially with no friends, no support, being alone and having people there, possibley talking about you.

    It's tough.
  8. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    I got my degree on my own. The whole college was against me. The whole town was and is still holding a grudge against me. And still my grades are better than half of the college. In the west you at least got opportunities to get a degree through online classes and so you avoid those people, but I had to face my fears everyday. I still do but to smaller extent.
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