My story...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sephaus, Oct 6, 2007.

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  1. Sephaus

    Sephaus Well-Known Member

    Well, my despair began with some thought patterns that were spawned when I was very young, it also doesn't help that I suffer from the mental illness Clinical Depression Recurring(I believe that is the correct term for the illness). I suppose I'll begin with situations that occurred when I was young. When I was a child, up until about I was ten or eleven years old, my mother had to be constantly hospitalized due to her medical issues(she suffers from Bipolar, Multiple Sclorosis, Diabetes, some others I cannot recall, but those are her most troubling conditions). She would have to be hospitalized three or more times a year due to these issues, and when my mother was away I would see my father very angry and depressed and I always felt as if I did something wrong. My mother was also sent away to a facility in Arizona when I was three years old to deal with some troubling issues she had to deal with when she was a child( Her father died when she was nine and her mother physically abused her as a child, and her mother's boyfriends would also sexually abuse her). This would bring along my fear of abandonment and my fear of any intimacy whatsoever with any woman.

    As I grew, I witnessed my parents engaging in intense arguments, and I felt as if I did something wrong so I developed a tendency to try my hardest to not be a burden to them, even if it affected my ability to be happy, in the slim hopes that maybe my mother wouldn't leave again. My mental illness began to affect me when I grew into my teen years, and my mindset of not being a burden to anyone grew to the point that after my grandfather died when I was fifteen years old, I attempted to hang myself, which failed and my parents sent me away to a hospital in the hopes of recovery. I believe it's prudent to mention at this time that I was quite obese at the time and was the butt of a lot of ridicule in school, which lead me to dreading school and developing a hatred towards humanity.

    After being released, I was placed on medication, and for two years everything was fine, I was able to focus on school work and ignore my inner turmoil, but when I was 18( I am now 20), first semester in college, the medication began to fail and I felt ensnared in my inner pain. My psychiatrist found another medication for me to try, Cymbalta, which worked for the next year, but in that time, from everything I witnessed in my city, the selfish indulgence, every horrible cliche about humanity I found to be evident here, and just taking an overview at the world in general I began to feel that the humanity is nothing more than a parasite to the world and pays the earth no heed whatsoever, and is simply dedicated to thier own selfish desires and will do whatever is necessary to achieve them.

    I take after my Native American heritage and harbor the philosophy that humans should harbor reverence towards the earth for everything it provides us with, and I am dedicated to helping facilities and any non-profit organizations dedicated to nature and wildlife preservation as best I can, usually signing petitions and sending funds. It struck me that no matter how hard we try, that what I am dedicated to doesn't make a difference in the world, that someone inundated by greed or some other horrible human trait and undermine progress towards a better earth. So I am now struck by a bitter feeling of hopelessness.

    After all the pain I have experienced throughout my life, I developed the tendency to sink within myself and build up walls within myself so I no longer feel pain as often, resulting in feeling hollow, but when the pain reaches a boiling point, which as of late it does constantly, I feel I cannot take living with this pain any longer, and that the best thing I can do for this earth is to just end my life and no longer be a burden in any facet and just end my despair. I just feel I can no longer deal with the horrible human condition any longer.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2007
  2. amberananderson

    amberananderson New Member

    I understand....

    I dont know if we truly can make a difference. I doubt that to, but I can feel your heart and soul in your story. You have a warm spirit, and that comforts me.
    I think soft hearted people like us need each other.
  3. Sephaus

    Sephaus Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I believe that as well, that kind hearted individuals need similar ilk, or they will begin to grow cold and hollow such as I have become. Well, that's only one of the reasons I am the way I am today, I have always been a very perceptive individual, that has always been my greatest trait I believe, but I also find it to be a double edged blade, analyzing how horrible things are.
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