My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bigman2232, Oct 11, 2007.

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  1. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    So I guess this is the only place for me to explain what is going on in my mind. I used to have a person I could talk to but that's changed (which I'll explain in a moment).

    I'm 22 years old (23 in 4 months) and I basically have come to the realization that I am in big trouble and have no real reason to keep living. I'm in my 4th year of university, which is giving nothing but frustrations and a debt that is rapidly approaching $35000 and I still have a year to go. I can't focus and I really don't seem to care about anything anymore.

    One of my problems is I am just so lonely that I don't see the point of doing anything else, if I'm always going to be alone. I have zero experience in anything involving a relationship, no kissing, no girlfriends and no dates. Go ahead a laugh, everyone else has. I'm just always seen as a friend to girls. I'm the guy they can talk to about their problems and I'll listen and if i can give them advice. I'm the really sweet guy that any girl would be "lucky to have" but not the one any of them want. There is only so I long you can be this guy and not start to break.

    I've also developed the quite strong hatred for most human beings. Everything in the world makes me angry and I hate not being able to do anything about it.

    I used to know what I wanted to be and how to get there but ever since i came to university, I lost that certainty. I no longer have the marks that are needed, nor do I really even care about it anymore. I could probably work harder to get 90's instead of 70's but I see no point.

    I think I've been dealing with depression since 1st year but I've made it this far because I had someone to talk to about some of the things I was feeling. This was a girl that lived in my residence and we became very close friends over the 3 years we've known each other. But me being me, developed feelings stronger than friendship for her and seeing as she's out of my league I do what I'm used to doing and hide them. This however has made it impossible to talk to her about what I'm doing and now I just keep going crazy.

    I see a future where I'm in debt, have no job or a job that I hate just so I can make some money. I'm alone, and like I said, have no reason to be alive.

    I've wanted to die for the last few years but haven't killed myself simply because I haven't decided how and because I don't want to hurt the very few people I think actually care about me. I would never want to make them feel pain like I do. The thing is I just don't think I can really go on much longer. I know that the problems are really my fault and I'm the only one that can really change them but I just think that I'm too messed up to do it.

    I don't think like other people and feel like I'm just pretending to be the person that people see me as. I don't even know what I expect to get out of writing this.
  2. mango_goose

    mango_goose Active Member

    Hey, you dont know what to expect from writing what you have written... Maybe your looking for people that understand what you are goin through...
    If your are you have come to the right place...
    WE know what its like to be miserable and to feel like death is the one and only true option.... In reality its not... That nasty illness called depression that most of us have... just makes everything n the future look bleak and impossible. and death just seems like the best way to get out of it... In reality we dont know whats out there around the next corner.
  3. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    Seeing a girl as being out of your league is an obvious sign of lack of self-confidence. So you wonder why you 're always friend material and never the guy they 'd want to be with ? There you have it.
  4. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    It's not lack of self confidence, It's living in reality. Guys who are overweight don't date model calibre girls. If they do, it's a 1 in 10,000 chance. I know who I am and I know what girls are most likely to take a shot on me.
  5. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Not only have I known plenty of fat dudes who managed to do fine with girls, but you can lose weight if you want to. You may be genetically predisposed to be heavy, but if you burn more calories than you consume you will lose weight. It is a simple matter of math. Get in the gym. Lift some weights. Go for a run. You might puke everytime you work out for the first few weeks, but eventually you'll get where you want to be. Channel that anger you talk about into improving yourself. Moreover, don't blow off school. As you get older, girls will be more interested in a stable successful guy with a decent job than some broke jackass with abs. Also, college is the most superficial environment there is for trying to meet people of the opposite sex. Almost no one has healthy relationships in college. It will be better when you get out. Also, some may not find this to be appropriate, but call an "escort" service and get yourself laid. You wont be as intimidated by girls afterward.

    Oh and by the way, "overweight guys don't date model caliber girls." You can't date a girl that doesn't look like a model? Whats wrong with dating an average looking girl? Also, you might be surprised what your little crush would say if you actually told her how you felt. Lots of fat guys have hot girlfriends simply because they went for it. After all, what do you have to lose? You don't have to be smooth about it, just tell her how you feel. If she rejects you, so what? Hot girls reject a different guy every day. Theres nothing to be ashamed of.
  6. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    i just have to say... my bf is not very attractive, and not to sound vain but i am pretty attractive. firstly being attractive doesnt make one bit of difference if you dont have the confidence & personality to back it up. secondly my bf is one of those 'nice guys', he was basically my best friend, actually i didnt even like him too much, he was very annoying (still is), i say best friend because he was the only one i had to do anything w/ and he stood by me through everything. i knew he loved me, man he was so smitten it was unreal, kinda cute really. but at the time i had no interest in him and i rejected him a few times, once so badly he was crying for days, bless him. but i relized that there could be something and despite some complications we gave it a shot and here we are a couple of yrs later, still got a fantastic relationship because our foundation was friendship.
    all im saying is dont give up and think that because you are unatractive that you wont find somebody you like and make friendships, even if nothing comes out of it, sometimes you will have to go thru a lot of rejections before you find the one and maybe that one could end up being one of your friends that you never thought could happen. whats that song by phil collins... 'you cant hurry love'! so true. give it time.
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