My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Vee, Feb 6, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Vee

    Vee Active Member

    I guess some background first.

    I grew up alone, I mean totally alone. Didn't have any friends until I was 20. Always struggled to not be lonely. All that's kept me going has been massive willpower. (That's why what I write is going to sound cold and calculating, it's just who I am)

    I moved 2000 miles from home awhile ago to try and find better (liberal) surroundings and work. But it's not changing anything. My other half is sending money for me to live on, but they're slowly tiring of the drain. I haven't been able to find any contacts, much less any work.

    At the moment I just sit around and try to amuse myself. If I go out i'm always afraid to say anything to someone because i'm sure I look stupid. Nobody ever seems to take much interest in me. I don't drink, dance or do drugs. I've always been judgmental, and bore easily which aggravates the problem.

    There is a considerable sum on money in savings right now and the last move is to just transfer that over to my other half and say "I love you, have a nice life" and go remove myself from the problem. I can't stand dragging them down until they hate me for being a weight around their neck.

    It's this ongoing fight of willpower versus the uncaring world around me. Where "do you want to be my friend" is a point of ridicule rather than a request for help, and people only want friends around like themselves, without any issues.

    And i'm slowly losing.
     
  2. angeliamarie12

    angeliamarie12 Active Member

    Hello,

    My name is Angelia, I am 20 years old.... and delt with alot of what u have... I never had any friends thru school..... I guess I just didnt fit in with anyone.... Someone had came up to me one day and had said why are u anit social.... I looked at them and said I am not anti social.... I just dont like u lol.... but I had realized with growing up around computers.... Chatting meeting people on the internet was the best thing for me... and thru that years I have met alot of wonderful people on the internet...... and have known them for years...... and I have never been more happy to have the friends I do..... Try the internet hun.... u sometimes can even find people that live around u that u can meet up with....... Its great......

    Take care

    Angelia
     
  3. angeliamarie12

    angeliamarie12 Active Member

    Hello,

    My name is Angelia, I am 20 years old.... and delt with alot of what u have... I never had any friends thru school..... I guess I just didnt fit in with anyone.... Someone had came up to me one day and had said why are u anit social.... I looked at them and said I am not anti social.... I just dont like u lol.... but I had realized with growing up around computers.... Chatting meeting people on the internet was the best thing for me... and thru that years I have met alot of wonderful people on the internet...... and have known them for years...... and I have never been more happy to have the friends I do..... Try the internet hun.... u sometimes can even find people that live around u that u can meet up with....... Its great......

    Take care

    Angelia
     
  4. ChronoCrusade

    ChronoCrusade Member

    you can't make others respect you unless you have confidence in yourself.
    if u think ur no good, then others will view you that way.

    now, since you already know your personality problems, you should try change it slowly. it might take weeks, months, or even years, but keep trying and you'll get there. our personality are inherited from genetics, there's nothing much we could do about it, unless we fight against it.

    i hope this helps. good luck on your life, and Happy Chinese New Year!
     
  5. ChronoCrusade

    ChronoCrusade Member


    lol Angela, i guess a lot of us have the same problem. :tongue:
    i was alone through middle school to high school. i was born shy, i mean really shy. I am 100% sure that i inherited this from my family, because my mom and grandpa and uncle have the same problem. well, upon realizing my defects, i tried hard to overcome it and open up to others. i admit this is hard, but i'm slowly making friends, and it feels great:biggrin:


    P.S. Happy Chinese New Year!
     
  6. angeliamarie12

    angeliamarie12 Active Member

    WEll I must have recived it from my mother.... but in a way most times I like to be by myself... its just the people that use to pick on you in school years ago.... see me these days and there like holy crap she looks good.... and come up and talk to me and I cant help but to chuckle and walk away.....
     
  7. Vee

    Vee Active Member

    The net has just been a stopgap measure for me. for the most part it feels distant and impersonal, but at the moment it's all i've got.


    Part of the problem is I can't "make" anyone think or do or feel anything. It would be wrong if I could. Isn't a real friend supposed to like me as I am? I can deal with almost any problem in my own life that comes along. But the need to have other people around me throws up a massive list of variables that I have no control over. And it's a problem that nobody ever wants to help someone else with.

    As for trying to change it, i'm going on 15 years, and nothing has changed.


    Some possible solutions I flatly refuse, such as medication, if I can't be "myself" then i'm just faking being someone else so people will like me, they're not really liking "me".


    The only serious thought i've had anymore has been to drop everything and everyone here and hop a boat to Europe.
     
  8. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time, sweetie. But please hold on and don't try to hurt yourself. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... :(

    But... If you want to talk about ANYTHING, feel free to PM me. I'll try to help the best I can. Just don't lose hope. Please take care of yourself, love. *hugs*
    -Courtney
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2008
  9. angeliamarie12

    angeliamarie12 Active Member

    Vee


    Running from ur problems in life is not going to help.... its going to follow u everywhere u go... and about u changeing who u are for someone to like you.... You dont have to.... Ur just meeting the wrong people.... Do u go out to events in your town....????
     
  10. Vee

    Vee Active Member

    That's the biggest problem. I know I can't run from it forever.

    I'm in totally the wrong town and I didn't know it until I got here.

    I go to events, but people just don't "connect" and the place is notorious for that.

    I want to move to another place where I have some family, but my other half isn't very interested in that. Of course they say "Whatever you need to do" but to me it needs to be a partnership decision, and instead they just say "I can't tell you what to do, because if it doesn't work out you'll blame me".

    Another problem is my very odd hobbies that tend to not be group activities, i've never managed to find much enjoyment in "common" hobbies. I've tried to get involved in some new ones, but they're things I found online that aren't local things.


    I want conversation, real, not typed. Real voices. That can talk about intelligent subjects. That don't shy away from tough topics like politics or social problems.

    I hate the USA (Even tho I was born here), with it's ongoing "Every person is an island" feelings. And the general tone of "If you can't handle your own problems, you're worthless".
     
  11. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    What made you decide to live in that town?
     
  12. angeliamarie12

    angeliamarie12 Active Member

    Well mabey the people that u are looking for are people like u..... so its hard to connect with someone such as urself sometimes... because there shy and or.... are not around.... and people like u.... its like I just wanna jump on a plane and come hang out to prove to you that there are great friends out there that u can talk to and hold secrets with...... and i know that we would get along great.....:biggrin::hug:
     
  13. Vee

    Vee Active Member

    It's young and liberal.

    You can probably easily guess where. I didn't intend to live *here* instead nearby, but twice now i've had to move because the people locally i've relied on have let me down.

    I can handle it, but it stretches my self-support strength very thin.
     
  14. ChronoCrusade

    ChronoCrusade Member

    human beings need to interact and live with each other, because we are social animals. you can't deny the fact you want to be happily with someone, or else you wouldn't be in this forum. We have to be who we are, but in the same time, be someone that others will like too. yes, when you don't get along with someone, you could be meeting with the wrong people. however, you might still not get along with someone that are the right people. so, we just need to change our attitude a little, but not completely change our personalities. if we do that, the "wrong" people might become the "right" people.:tongue:
     

  15. That was one of the most accurate and best statements which I have ever read. I totally agree with you, though it isn't just limited to America. Anywhere that society is against a person, will cause the person to have that horrible feeling of worthlessness. Anyways, welcome to SF, Vee.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2008
  16. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    word

    I can attest to that and I don't live in the USA or any of the western societies.
     
  17. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    Same boat dude!! well i don't want to die because of it. but it certainly is indering my determination to get laid. I sympathise with you:biggrin:, being a pro life forum you can expect us to do the best we can to beat that idea out of your head though
     
  18. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    where do you live
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.