My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mj99, Feb 22, 2008.

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  1. mj99

    mj99 New Member

    Hello everyone

    I hope people don't take offence to this but I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be registering for a forum like this. Right now I feel ashamed, low, empty, numb and pretty desperate. For the first time I've started to consider ending my life and I am scared. I just wanted to come on here and see if anyone else was feeling the same and see what people were doing about it, either going over the edge or pulling away from it

    My name is Mark and I am 36 years old. Up to 4 years ago my life was going great, I had lots of friends, had graduated from university, had a good job and a lovely girlfriend and had moved overseas to start a new life.

    Then in 2004 my brother was taken from us after a battle with cancer. I had to move back to the UK and my girlfriend left me soon after because she didn't want to come back to the UK. My parents were devastated and in such a state that I was unable to leave them. So I was back in a town I didn't want to be, having given up the life I'd made for myself.

    Since then, in a nutshell, I've abused alcohol and taken out a lot of anger on my friends any girlfriends to the extent that they have walked away from me and left me. They never talk about my brother or about the problems I've had, they've seen my behaviour and have turned their backs. I guess I don't blame them. My parents are both in ill health, my mum was diagnosed with cancer soon after my brother died and my father has serious heart problems. I feel that once they've gone I have nothing to stay alive for.

    Just before my brother died I discovered a lump but was so scared of what it might be and what was happening with my brother I thought no way could I tell anyone, especially my parents. My mum said to me just after my brother died that if anything happened to me she would shoot herself. Since then, over 4 years, I have been hit by very bad pains throughout my body, in all the key places that indicate something serious (I know a lot about this I'm afraid). Right now I'm off work because the pain is so bad but still I daren't go to a doctor and if I did I'm sure it would be much too late

    All I have left are my parents and I just wanted to look after them but as time goes on the pain of losing my brother and my life falling to pieces are pushing me closer to the edge. I am no fool and no drama queen but I am utterly sure I have a serious illness and have even took out £600,000 life insurance so at least someone can benefit from me not being here

    I am utterly ashamed of what I've done and the pain of everything that has happened to me is becoming too much to bear. I'm not a talker and would never instigate going to see someone about this. It has just escalated over 4 years to the point where I almost don't give a f*ck what happens to me

    I used to be so "normal" and disciplined and happy. I feel I've spiralled out of control and there's no way back. I'm not bothered about my life anymore, I just don't want to hurt my parents anymore. But my pain, physical and mental, gets worse and worse and I am scared of where I'm heading

    I'm sorry about all that ^^^. I just thought coming on here might help somewhat. I hope other people find solutions to their problems

  2. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    hey Mark, welcome to SF.

    I´m sorry about your brother. You aren´t doing your parents any good by not going to see a doctor. Please go to a doctor, having an illness or something else does not mean certain death. In such a difficult time try to get closer to your parents, talk to them. Tell your friends that you are sorry what you´ve done to them. Friends are a great thing to have in such hard times.

    Best of luck
  3. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    I think it's too late at this point - If you've ignored something that can be cancerous this long, it's probably too bad. By not getting it checked out, you more then likely commited a more in depth form of suicide.

    I would have it checked ASAP. Then just realize he's in a better place - He was in more pain then you are right now, due to him being in a further stage. So for him to have escaped to pain, was simple bliss for him.

    I was an intern at Sacred Heart for 3 years. I saw a lot of people in his shoes, and they were welcoming death. Just to be relieved of the pain.

    Maybe I'm a hypocrit, but instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you get yourself checked out, and invest the rest of your life researching, and fighting cancer?

    The fake heart was made by a person who's father was killed due to heart failure. Now the artificial heart has saved almost 500 million people.

    Think about it - No offense on any my crude points. Had to say it bluntly.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Hey M, I'm so sorry about all the losses you have experienced. What a lot to handle.

    You say that "there's no way back" but there surely is... you can start with the decision to reach out for some support and help. You'll find sharing here to be one of those supports, people here are kind, for the most part.

    I read somewhere else that thoughts of suicide are like a red warning light on your dashboard saying 'service me'... that's given me some comfort... just reframing my thoughts as my body and spirit saying 'hey.... i'm not workign properly... get me looked at.'

    while you are getting that looked at, why not have that lump examined, too? you can speculate all you like but won't know for sure if it's too late unless you see a doc. we'll be here for you until you are ready for that step,


    ps -- viskar -- how the hell would you know if it's too late or not? you say you are speaking bluntly but i think you're just being mean. try a little kindness sometime...
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 22, 2008
  5. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    Finally, a real doctor who's willing to make a diagnosis via a chat room! Thank goodness. Who's your malpractice insurer?

    Huh? Why bother getting it checked out asap if he's a goner?

    No, and you're not a hypocrite, either. You're an airhead.

    People who want to be scientists have to be good at math. They don't just make numbers up off the tops of their heads. 500 million people saved by artificial hearts? That's off by at least four orders of magnitude.
  6. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Hey man I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel normal and disciplined too (don’t know about the happy part though). Full on hope for the future with many prospects and dreams of happiness, only to have it all take away by the sudden realization that its all for naught and my future is hopeless and I have nothing left to strive for.

    The only difference in our situations is that you are not sure yet (of the cancer) and that you haven’t tried to overcome these new feelings of hopelessness. The first step is to go see a doctor. Find out for sure. Maybe you just have a tumor.

    And whether or not it is cancer, you can still try to live meaningfully. By that I don’t mean that you will be happy or have hope for the future (although all that is possible). I'm talking about spending time with your family, friends or giving advice to people in your situation.

    So the next step after the doctor is to be honest with four friends, family and ex-gf about your situation, feelings and why you lashed out at them. You may be surprised by how understanding they are. Then go see a doctor about your depression.
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