My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pluto, May 15, 2008.

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  1. Pluto

    Pluto New Member


    I've suffered from 'suicidal thoughts' ever since high school, where I was badly bullied, and which consequently destroyed my confidence, making me a nervous wreck.

    I've grown up and come a long way since then. Before, I couldn't walk down the street or go to school on my own without thinking people were laughing/staring at me. Now I have a good job, I'm progressing at college and I have quite a few friends.. but I unfortunately have not completely walked away from my past and often have moments where I go back to that nervous, self-conscious wreck.

    I work in an up-market fashion retailer, which means I am around alot of 'perfect', yet arrogant people. I feel pleased that I've achieved a job which is very people-orientated, and allows me to feel I've moved on from someone who sat alone in the corner at high school. But as a guy I feel there is so much pressure on 'image' and I constantly feel I have to go to the gym, get my hair cut, buy new clothes etc - which can be stressful. There are alot of big personalities at work and I often feel I revert back to what I was, and recently I've started to feel like they hate me, laugh at me, talk about me etc - all signs of lack of self-esteem and what I was before. I've also been quite sensitive recently, so I take people's jokes to heart, even if they are not meant to be nasty.

    I also havn't had a girlfriend for ages and ages, I wouldn't say I'm hideous, but I often attribute that to me believing I'm too ugly, weak etc.

    I guess my main problem is a lack of self-confidence, which I've tried so hard to get around but has recently come back. I also suffer from moderate acne, and I have to go through a ridiculous regime of lotions every night to try and take control of it, and last week my doctor prescribed me an acne medication which 'gets worse, before it gets better', so I guess a combination of these feelings and the acne flare up have just combined to make me have suicidal thoughts.

    In terms of my lack of self-esteem, thoughts I often get at the moment are:

    - People are laughing at me
    - People dislike me
    - People talk about me behind my back
    - My friends don't care about me and don't want to hang out with me
    - My family are ashamed of me
    - Appearance based (acne, ugly, fat)
    - People think I'm weak, too unconfident etc

    These past couple of days I've thought about how much I desire to just end it all and be 'free'. I don't see suicide as a cry for help, ending of life etc, but as something which would release me and set me free from the pain which circulates in my mind. I also thought how If given the chance, I would 100% restart my life as a different person, even if that meant destroying everything about me in this life.. which I guess is a sign of how ashamed/disappointed with everything I've done in my life, and what I've been doing has just been about surviving, not living.

    Thanks for your time.
  2. bb564

    bb564 Guest

    Other than the part where you gained confidence, that all happened to me.

    All day I think people are laughing at me, and I just hunch over in baggy hoodies at school. I also hate leaving the house unless I'm with friends(who rarely want to see me), because I feel so self conscious. And my family hate me.

    I don't really know what to say, but, I get you.
  3. Pluto

    Pluto New Member

    Thanks, its nice to know I'm not alone.

    Thats the same with me, not as much now but sometimes I HAVE to be with friends If I'm out of the house, or I'm afraid people will constantly think I am a loner/have no friends.. but I guess people always walk around on their own and nobody blinks an eye, so it helped to think about that.
  4. bb564

    bb564 Guest

    Yeah it helps to imagine what you would think if you saw yourself, if you were a decent person, you wouldn't notice.
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