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My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by chidori, Nov 10, 2008.

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  1. chidori

    chidori Member

    Last night I was a little too emotional to tell my story. I didn't even feel I could articulate everything into proper words.

    I'm 28, and recently divorced with a new boyfriend. I'm not sure if the recent intensifying of my suicidal feelings are because of all the changes in my life or not but here goes.

    Up until this past spring, I thought I had all my ducks in a row. I had married my highschool sweetheart, had a steady job, owned my own home, bills where paid and I had food in my stomach. I also had a very close best friend whom I spent time with almost everyday. I told myself life couldn't get any better.

    In April, my friend really wanted me to try out a mud game (like world of warcraft only without pictures, all text). It had sounded like a pretty lame idea, but she bugged me for a while, so eventually I joined, I had a great time, it was a lot more fun than i had realized. Thats when I met my current boyfriend. We played the game together, and before I knew it I was venting concerns that I had just recently realized I had for my marriage. I had always been submissive about my life and goals and allowed him to have his carreer. I had decided that I wanted to go back to school and quit my job to do so. My husband really hated the idea and suddenly I was realizing how unhappy I was, how i had been lying to myself (feelings of "He doesn't beat me, rape me or verbally abuse me in an aggressive way, so you should be happy!!"). How alone in my relationship I was. My new male friend had been there for me giving me advice on what to say to him that might make him understand.

    Eventually I ended up deciding to get a divorce after trying repeatedly and getting little to no response from my husband. The end of May I asked him for a divorce, by this time I had also developed a relationship with my online friend. I got him a plane ticket and he came up to be with me.

    End of June, he had to go home for a while as I hadn't found a part time job yet and ran out of money. He went home just before my birthday which was hard on me. I had to live with my parents who where very supportive but I still felt worthless. I had no job, no home and couldn't be with the one I loved.

    I had expected my long time friend to be there for me in my time of crisis, but she was strangly absent. I would call and text her with very little response and when she would respond it didn't feel like she was really there. I also confided in a friend that I had been out of touch with for awhile, who ended up taking me to a secluded place and sexually assaulted me. I came very close, closer than I ever had, to killing myself then. I even wrote a note and tried to give away my possessions to friends. Some how I did make it through.

    I got a job at an awesome place called Spankys pizza. A place where many of my true friends already worked. I started to feel better. I was walking to work lost alot of wieght. Putting money aside for my boyfriend, to get him back here also helped.

    I then found out that the reason my best friend wasn't really talking to me was because she had started a relationship with my ex husband. I did my best to be a bigger person and continue to be friends with them. She became so uncomfortable she attacked me verbally and that was how our friendship ended. Even after all the nasty things she said, It still hurt to lose this relationship.

    In august, my boyfriend came back and we got an apartment together. I had done it. I had some one who cared for me, a job, a home, and was back in school. He really makes me feel like the most special girl in the world.

    Yesterday was his birthday, and he left the house for a minute and I saw that he had been asking some girl to get naked on secondlife. I was utterly crushed. And the pain was just so overwhelming I had random crying spurts and could hardly breath most of the time. I couldn't help but wonder, did I really get my life back on track or am I still that useless person I was? He told me that he just wanted to see boobs, that it had nothing to do with the girl he was talking to. He really felt like crap all day, saying "you know I love you right? More than anything?" or " I'm sorry I messed up today." I'm trying to be a more understanding person and not call it cheating but I'm not sure where I want to draw the line.

    If you got through all this I give you a gold star lol. Sorry for ranting I just wanted other peoples opinions of wether or not this level of stress in such a short period of time would explain why I feel pain so much more acutely? Thanks for reading :)
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry ppl have been so disappointing...you are not the good you or the bad you...you are you, worthy, valuable, compassionate regardless of whether you are employed or living on your own...sometimes, we repeat the same senerio...and it is when we do this, that we have to know why...maybe exploring this with a counselor would be helpful...you deserve to be loved and treated well...big hugs, J
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Betrayal, disappointment, financial stress, and sexual assault, how difficult it must be! I'm sorry to hear you're having such a painful time.

  4. chidori

    chidori Member

    Thank you both so much. Its really nice to have people understand how hard it is. I've tried to be so strong for so long, I'm tired.
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