My story...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LittleMissSunshine, Mar 29, 2009.

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  1. Allow me to introduce myself firstly. I'm Jaz; rather young, merely 17. I have had my own brief experiences with death but never specifically lost someone to suicide. However, I myself do suffer mentally and myself feel suicidal.

    However, I am not here for pity or anything of the sort, I am here to share my story and enlighten people here just as those who have lost a loved one to suicide have enlightened me. I also posted this on a seperate site; - the main chat room I use. This is lenthy - be warned.

    There are acquaintances that have committed suicide but no-one close to me.

    I used to believe suicide was selfish and to some degree I still do. For a long time though I have had suicide thoughts, despite this belief. At first it was marginally tolerable, but by the time I was 15/16 and up until now it worsened drastically. Whenever I saw water I imagined drowning. Whenever I stood on a high surface I imagined falling. Whenever I saw sharp objects I magined slitting my throat. I knew there were people with such worse lives than me. I’m sitting on the internet right now. Many people don’t even have that and for someone living in such a disgustingly spoilt society, that’s hard to imagine. However, these thoughts were unstoppable. Literally impossible to block. Circumstances only seem to be part of it, it’s definitely an issue with mentality, somewhere within the brain too. Something fuels it. I don’t know if this applies to everyone though, it’s just my personal finding. You will often find, however, that suicide is not usually spontaneous but has been considered for a long time for most who commit it. I reckon there could be a common trigger somewhere, something that they all have in common, even if it’s a tiny detail; it’s there. Depression is a huge factor for many suicidal attempts, as is money. I’m not officially diagnosed with depression, but I’ve had the symptoms endlessly without any relief for so many years (I’m not referring to the occasional bad day in which anyone could have every symptom of depression, I refer to consistent misery) that it’s the only explanation I can find. I lack emotion. I can sympathise for others, I can care and love, but I feel numb, constantly. Like everyone, I laugh, cry etc and have my five minute interludes but apart from that - nothing. Add that to a negative cycle of thoughts constantly regarding events, along with thoughts of death, killing and suicide. Then you’ve got a serious self-destructive issue. But I’ve tried a lot of methods to stop it, it never went away. I even gave advice to those who described similar problems. They got over it and thanked me. I never did. Whether I follow my own advice or anyone else’s, this cycle is permanently lodged in my brain and I can’t get out. This only ever increased the already existing suicidal thoughts. It was always there at the back of my mind, but I never honestly believed it would escalate. It did and I briefly attempted to gas myself. Except a part of me also felt as though it was in a daze, controlled by depression rather than myself and will to live. Thankfully I thought of my aunt and snapped out of it. Then I had a break down. During that time I had also self-harmed anyway, which further encouraged suicidal thoughts. I know how selfish self-harm is, so for now I have control over it. When my aunt found out (on my birthday…) about the self-harming I was eventually able to stop. She said virtually nothing about it but I didn’t want to put her through any pain, which is why I kept it a secret in the first place and had a bit of self control.

    Since then I have slipped back into harming many times but always stopped myself. I haven’t attempted suicide since the last time. Temptation is often there. If I’m alive for anyone in particular, it’s my aunt. A fact I know deep down inside me is that if my aunt died, I wouldn’t withstand it. I wouldn’t be able to take it.

    Despite negative thoughts I never ever thought I would self-harm, nor did I ever think I would attempt suicide, but I did.

    Maybe some who commit suicide truly are selfish yes, but I reckon it’s a very loose generalization and that there is much more to it in reality. There is also more to combating it than just “thinking of how lucky we are.” I reckon some kind of psychological issue can probably be found in many who self-harm or attempt suicide. I can refrain for my aunt, some people can’t. Others on the other hand have no-one anyway. I think suicide itself and the other reasons vary from person to person and it isn’t just cowardice either. It’s something people fail to truly understand though until it happens to them. Nevertheless, despite my own position, when others here speak of suicide or self-harm I encourage them to stop or seek help. I don’t want others to feel so as though there’s no other way.

    I would describe incidents that may have lead to the this in some way, but I couldn’t do that publicly.

    For the moment, my suicidal thoughts and harming tendencies are on the increase but rather than seeking help I aim to provide help. I believe that by helping others we can help ourselves.
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

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