My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by J-Hay, May 3, 2009.

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  1. J-Hay

    J-Hay Member

    I was fine, not great, but fine nonetheless, until about a couple of months ago. I was sort of seeing this girl with whom I work with. As it turns out, I was merely nothing more than her "crutch", so to speak. You see, she's married to an abusive asshole who treats her like shit. So she comes to me one night, pouring her heart out about how unhappy she is and tells me that she's interested in me.

    And so like the sucker that I am, I went for it and eventually I fell for her. To cut a long story short, she went back to the shit stain she calls a husband and to make it worse she kept it from me and continued to lead me on and make me cling to the false hope that she really wanted to be with me.

    To top it all off, I'm stuck at home supporting both parents, 2 sisters, whom one of them has a newborn, and I'm doing it all while working at fucking McDonald's. Needless to say, with rent, bills, gas prices, we're not making it on an income of just four-hundred dollars or less every two weeks. Which means I'll have to get a second job and I don't even have my own vehicle. When I needed someone most, the bitch goes and stabs me in the back.

    I'm losing weight as the result of not eating. Sometimes I go days without an ounce of sleep. I have no life, all I do is work and go home and get inebriated in some way or another. I'm sometimes unpleasant to be around as I tend to fly off the handle over minuscule, insignificant bullshit. I have friends, but yet still feel so alone. All this shit is taking it's toll on me and I don't feel like I'm strong enough to keep going on much longer.

    I've already made two attempts on my life in the past 8 weeks. The last time I got the brilliant idea to drink myself to death, only to wake up the next afternoon with a godawful hangover and a nasty cut across my eye of which I have no recollection of how I got it.

    I know there are folks out there who have it so much worse, and still I struggle with the urge to end my life, which in turn just makes me loathe myself even more. I'm sick of working my ass off to only have to give up my whole paycheck just to survive and not being able to keep a penny of it for myself. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at nights(if I ever fall asleep, that is). I'm gradually growing sick of living altogether.

    I've come here because I do not wish to talk about this with my family and friends, and the anonymity of the internet makes it so much easier to unload.

    Can someone, anyone, help?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Is there a reason you're the one supporting your whole family? That doesn't seem fair!!
     
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum.

    First, you've got to forget about the woman in question because she obviously used you to get back at "her man" and might continue to do this to you or others. I suggest you stop her in her tracks if she tries to get together with you again. You've got enough on your plate.

    To follow up on what Wildcherry said: Is there any chance of your parents getting work in the near future? You certainly can't be expected to run a household of several people no matter what kind of job you have?

    Also, your friends should be supportive. Have you tried talking to them about these issues. If not, maybe you should try with one of your better friends.
    If not, or even if you do, SF could be a good place for you. If you want, you can send me a private message anytime.

    Don't be discouraged if you do not get many responses initially. There are many different time zones and a lot of people here with various issues. If your post runs off the screen (and it may, as things move very quickly here), try again or send me a pm. Also, maybe try chat and talk to some there. It always helped me.
     
  4. J-Hay

    J-Hay Member

    Thank you wildcherry and shades for taking the time to read my post and replying. To clarify, I have washed my hands of the said girl and hopefully I've learned my lesson to not mess around with married women anymore. But it still hurts like hell, and even though I now know she's just a callous, manipulative succubus, I still care for her and can't stop thinking about her.

    To answer the question, I'm currently the only one working because my old man just lost his job, my sister is still on maternity leave, and my mom can't work for various reasons that are too complicated to get into right now. My dad has however found some temporary work, but that'll only get us so far as the job is only for a week. I live in an area where job opportunities are scarce, and it's already damn near impossible to find a place that will hire you at his age, as it is.
     
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Has anyone in your family at least thanked you for what you're doing. I don't know your family dynamic, but I really think you should sit down with all of them and let them know how you're feeling. Easier said than done...I know, but you've got to get them to understand the affect this is having on you. Like I said before, if your thread drops off the board of if I don't get back to you right away, send me a pm and let me know how you feel about this.
     
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