My story

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ash7614, Jun 11, 2009.

  1. Ash7614

    Ash7614 Active Member

    I want to get this all out because there's not one person in my life that I can say everything to.

    I've written it down but i need someone to hear it. Not for a response.. just to be heard..

    in a nutshell:
    tormented as a kid for being fat.
    losing weight through unhealthy habits leading to eating disorders and hospitalisation.
    virginity stolen at 14.
    started a 4 year drug binge which landed me in hospital on one too many occasions.
    my stupid teenage drug abuse almost ripping my family to bits when i flipped out on acid (last time i ever took drugs)
    I had almost 2 years of pulling myself up and away from the after effects of my own stupid decisions.
    Then a long time friend of mine committs suicide.
    Back down into my little hole of terror.
    i get back up again
    8 months later i'm diagnosed with lymphoma.
    The whole time wishing it would kill me so i wouldn't have to put my parents through anymore worrying about whether or not i'm coping.
    2 weeks after staring chemo another friend of mine committs suicide.
    again back into my hole.
    The day i went into remission i cried because i thought it wasn't fair that i had to keep living when all i wanted was to die.

    I've been in remission for just over a year now but i have lumps in the same places the cancer was found last time.
    If it's back i don't know if i'll tell anyone as i don't know whether i want treatment. I used to be happy that i was getting a cheat out of life when i was sick.

    i'm not the same person i used to be. I volunteer for cancer council helping lots of people and have a great stable life but there is always this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to live it.

    I have more consideration for the effect suicide has on loved ones but there's a part of me screaming that i don't care. I've seen how it effects my family every time i've attempted and i hate making them feel that way but my friends didn't care so why should i?

    I'm being haunted by ghosts that i've had since i was a child and i feel like they're never going to let go.

    Everything i've ever tried to do in my life has been stopped by something.
    I let drugs stop me finishing school and quit dancing after making it all the way to world championships.

    I went back to TAFE and aced all my classes but come exam time my friend committed suicide the night before the first exam.. i couldn't sit through any of them.
    So i tried again the next year.. same routine.. then couldnt sit my exams because i was having chemo..
    why bother?
    if everytime i get back up i'm going to be knocked straight back down why should i bother

    I've hit yet another wall..

    Should i bother getting back up?

    Like i said this is not a rant to gain a response.
    i just needed a vent
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You've been thru alot.. I think it is great that you do voluntter work helping others.. It shows that you do have compassion.. Why not reverse the effort you put into negative thoughts into fighting for the positive ones.. You really should tell your doctor about the lumps..You should live for the moment because no one knows for sure what happens after death..