My Story

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Aimee_in_Wonderland, Jul 2, 2009.

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  1. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    Id had a pretty good life right up until i was 8 i had a family full of love and support i was well protected and i didnt need anyone else i had a pretty good relationship with my uncle he did everything for me, gave me everything i wanted no matter what the price was i trusted him... more than anyone in this world..

    But it was when i was 8 that my life changed for the worse. i didnt understand why but it was at that age that my uncle start with sexual abuse i wasnt sure what was happening but i knew it was wrong... it started with him touching me and each threat he used against me such as my family wouldnt love me anymore and no-one would want me
    i can remeber eachtime he did it eachtime he held me down while he did what he wanted and made it "our little secrate" no one could know what happenes between us... and that he did it because he loved me...

    I started to withdraw.. i didnt want anyone around me my school work began to suffer but no-one ever took notice of me it didnt matter what was happening to me not one person even suspected it.. i was just a problem child...
    when i was 10 i started to have a form of selective mutism it was only with men who i didnt know... i was scared of them all i thought they would do the same as he did,

    this contiuned until i was 12 years old... that was when he finally raped me... and i remeber exactly what happened i get flash backs of it he continuisly raped me this could happen atleast 4 times a week i was a nevrous wreak everytime my parents left me with him, they both had very busy jobs and i know they didnt realise what was happening to me.

    i used to cry myself to sleep everynight i needed to know why he did it to me.. what had i done wrong to deserve this? i could never come up with the answers it was just more questions
    i started selfharming, i thought it would make him less attracted to me.. and maybe he would leave me alone but he'd still do it even when i was bleeding infront of him he looked past it all.. he didnt care.

    this continued for more years i never told a soul about this because i truely believed everyone would think i was crazy and it was my fault i still think it is my fault to this day.. i dont think anything will change that.

    at the age of 16 i had my first boyfriend i wouldnt let him to close to me the most he got from me was a hug and a kiss... i saw the way my uncle used to stare at him when he was around me he was jelouse he started doing things to make this boy break up with me... he made me look like i was crazy and out of my mind... it wasnt long before he did give up on me and run away.
    by this time i had started my periods but that still didint stop him with my rape i became pregnate a few weeks before i turned 17 i didnt know what to do. i couldnt tell anyone who the dad was...

    i went to a family planning clinic i got tested it was positive.. the nurse there helped me sort out what i wanted to do.. i never told her but i think she knew even tho she never acted on it.. i told her i didnt know who the dad was... i lied i knew exactly who it was... i had an abortion... i couldnt have had his kid it would have destroyed me completely... id hate the child for what he did. my parents never knew.

    i then went to the doctors and i had myself put on the pill... i told my mum the doctor suggested it because of how many problems i had with my periods she agreed that it could work...
    but he still continued to do it right up until i was 18. i couldnt take anymore i told him i was going to come clean and that i knew what he was doing was wrong he had no hold over me anymore..

    it was the day after i said that.. he threw himself infront of a train... i was never going to tell anyone.. it just made him believe i was going too.. and now he doesnt have to live with what he did... but i do... i live with it everyday
    i have night terrors from it i wake up everynight kicking and screaming... he never leaves... i can still feel his touch and i can still smell him on me
    he'll never have to live with the conciquences of what he did.

    he ruined my life. he took away my innocence... and ill never forgive him for it
     
  2. just.me

    just.me Account Closed

    :hug:
    I wish there were a magic pill that could of make you to forget it all
    like to erase it from your memory, like it never happaned
     
  3. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there..
    im so sorry u had 2 go through this .. i can relate 2 ur story alot.. if u ever need 2 talk feel free 2 pm me x
    :hug:
     
  4. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    Thank you...
    its always the thought of thinking im starting to move on from it to have it pushed back in the front again
     
  5. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Such a painful story - I'm so sorry. He betrayed you then took the "easy" way out. In my opinion, he deserved much more suffering!

    You can get thru this - it will take time and no, you can't erase it, as much as you want to. Be kind to yourself -

    Is there somewhere you can go for counseling? I've found it to be very helpful in sorting out the affects such ongoing horrific abuse can have on you.

    :hug:
     
  6. Lizzy17

    Lizzy17 Member

    I am crying from reading that, its just so aweful. It makes me feel like my rape is not bad at all, I feel lucky. I really wish there was a way too make everything all better, but there isnt. Living with this is the only thing we have, it will never go away.
     
  7. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    i do wish i could go back in the past and change that moment maybe done somethign different but life isnt that easy all ive learnt from it is i cant trust anybody not even my family for me.. life if cruel and turned like that in the first 5 seconds
     
  8. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. I cant offer anything else except to tell you that you are not alone in what you feel.
    many people never speak out loud, they never say the words but somtimes you dont have to.
    Yes you are left behind to live with it, but you have proven by comming so far already that you are capable of leaving that atrocity behind you.


    Thankyou, you have no idea how much reading your story helped me.
     
  9. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    atleast someone got something out of it i guess :)

    I havent even come that far... im fake. the only time i can truely be me is behind the closed doors.. and i sometimes think my parents dont even know the real me
     
  10. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    but you do,,,, thats the hard bit is knowing who you are inside.

    some people spend their entire lives trying to be somone they are not.
     
  11. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    im just numb inside if im honest.
    i mean it doesnt make a difference to what happened,
    or even trying to understand why he did it, because ill honestly never know the answer and i want to know, what gave him the right to do what he did.. how could he? why would he do that to me?

    ive tried getting help with this... but i had 5 sessions of being told that it was something i did to cause him to be attracted to me in such a sense.
    if you can even call it that.
    even if it was my fault i was just a kid right? he should have known better?
    He ruined my life. because i still cant sleep at night.
    i can still smell him
    sense him
    and in my nightmares he dwells because then i can feel everything it plays out. i cant commit to moving in with my boyfriend because i cant share a bed with him... not without kicking him eachtime he tries to cuddle with me.
    and when i do stay over his... it leaves me feeling so guilty because im scared of him... im scared of everyone in touching distance of me
     
  12. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    you didnt attract him in anyway shape or form. whoever said that needs their licence to practice revoked.

    he had no right to do what he did.

    in his mind he didnt need a right to do it.

    he chose to do it, that was all the authority he needed.
     
  13. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    I must have done ssomething to cause him to see me like that.
    i dont understand how he just switched to another person like he did
    i just dont understand and cant understand
    i cant keep living with this
    its my fault that he killed himself too if i hadnt made that threat
     
  14. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    whilever you think like that, you will re-live it and question everything.

    leave it in the past where it belongs, hes already fucked up the first part of your life, dont let it taint the rest.

    he made his choice.

    you have to make yours.
     
  15. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    Eachtime i try to put it behind me something is stopping me i dont know what it is
    when anyone mentions him... its all about "how great of a man he was" but if only they knew.
     
  16. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i am so sorry you had to go through all this. and i am sorry you were told such a thing in therapy. it wasnt your doing, you were a child and could not have done anything against him. he was in the wrong he knew it was wrong. i wish i could do something for you anything just to make it better for you. it will be a long road to recovery but it can happen. please stay with us
     
  17. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Aimee,
    I am so sorry for what he did. I can't even imagine the feelings that you live with each day. Whatever you need, I'm here for you. Hopefully I can help you out, even make you smile a little. You can always talk to me if you feel alone, or just want to talk.

    Ronnie :hug:
     
  18. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Whoever you went to for help was completely wrong. If this was a professional then he needs to be reported. There was absolutely nothing you did to encourage your uncle. I used to feel it was my fault too. That something about me made him do what he did. It has taken many years of therapy for me to come to terms with that thought. Please do not think it was you. It breaks my heart to hear you were told that by someone that was supposed to help you. As was stated above, you are a survivor. You will move beyond this with time and effort. We will help support you along this journey as we can. Take care. :hug:
     
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please Please don't listen to the ass who said it was you please you didn't do anything I would get a new therapist and fast You need to see a assault councillor it is NOT your fault it is his Im sorry for you i know the sleepless night please don't ever ever blame yourself and fight and beleive you have a right to happiness and whatever happened it had nothing to do with you. He was the ffff adult he knew and let noone ever put the blame on you I hope and pray you find someone who helps you heal a therapist who knows what the hell they are talking about take care
     
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