My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by josh87, Sep 14, 2009.

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  1. josh87

    josh87 New Member

    I have been clinically depressed for about 10 years. (im 22) I have attempted suicide 3 times. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. The first and second time I was confused about where I stood on my life. I have had a fucked up life and screwing up in some college classes was the last straw for me. I have been to a therapist and been on medication after the first 2. I was EXTREMELY fucked up when I first started talking to him... I have little control over some of my emotions. I was a small kid growing up and got picked on beat up all that for my whole life. If I have to talk about anything and im upset,(to whoever) with anger even I lose control and start to cry, for no reason. I guess it feels like another situation where I have no control.

    Anyways, the therapist gets me some effexor-xr and i build up to 3 of those horse pills a day. I was so happy from the change in how I felt and lack of over-emotion and over-sensitivity I carried. Every thought of suicide I had was completely gone and I felt renewed. I told myself im not gonna let anything hold me back anymore, im gonna keep my focus and try harder in life. I get a new job (shitty, but a job) and don't worry about school for the moment.

    My job doesnt cover the insurance on the medicine, so my therapists are able to hook me up with trials that last me a few months. The trials run out and the medicine costs me 300-400 bucks a month. Also therapy is expensive. I'm running out of money and there isn't anyone who can help me with that kind of money. I stop going to therapy. I stop taking the pills immediately even though I still have some. I get a headache the next day but thats it. Im not depressed, but im not exactly thrilled with my current life. I told myself life might suck, but I might as well live it.

    A few months go by and I completely realize I am getting suicidal thoughts again. I cope how I have for ten years, thankfully not alcohol or illegal drugs but by ignoring what I hate and hang out with friends, play games, listen to music, just things that entertain me. A few more months go by. The depression starts to come back. My job sucks. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore. I question my religion.(christianity) I become an atheist. I attempt suicide for the third time. The first 2 times were far from a cry for help. I wanted to die, I felt like I had screwed up. This third time was different. Much more "insane". I knew I could work my way out of that shit job or go back to school. I didn't want to experience any of it. I still don't want to know the meaning of life from living it. I'm an atheist now. I believe when I die, I will just no longer exist. Why the hell should I even live at all. Its not going to matter. For my family? My family is dysfunctional sure but I don't want to make their lives harder. I would say I care deeply about my family but that is a lie. I care deeply about NOTHING. I am completely unmoved.

    Every night when I go to sleep I am thinking of killing myself. The question never is should I or shouldn't I, but what way. I'm sick of fooling around. However, sometimes I still can block the feelings and have fun or enjoy something for a brief moment. If you ever met me in real life you would have no idea about my state of mind. Ten years of gradually worsening depression is very easy to mask for me. I know my life by comparison is much much much better than some other people in this world, do you think that is supposed to make me feel better?

    I remember when I was a kid I used to think anyone who thought of killing themselves was an idiot. That is was selfish and pointless, you can always just live your life however bad it is. A lot of other people seem to think if they would kill themselves they would do it in an awesome way or go rob a bank or something. Its amazing how much someone can't understand what they don't feel.

    I don't really know what you can take away from this. Its just the truth. Feel free to ask whatever kinds of questions you want... im not doing anything yet.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2009
  2. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    i know exactly what you mean. im 22 also and ive been suicidal since i was in junior school. it does get easier to hide it from others but harder to hide from ourselves.
  3. josh87

    josh87 New Member

    Also im very obsessive compulsive about some things, im an insomniac, and have extremely vivid dreams. I know most dreams feel real but mine are incredibly lifelike, in a terrible way. Sometimes they are normal enough but occasionally it will be the worst type of dream I could ever imagine... just completely realistic things happening in my life including killing myself then waking up drenched in sweat.
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