My story

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by istvan, Oct 1, 2009.

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  1. istvan

    istvan Member

    Before I tell about what happened yesterday, I'm going to reveal my main problems , so you can understand why I'm on this situation.

    I have a shit job. It's my second job, the first one was pretty much the same.
    I feel hopeless when I'm at work, everyday. No one really knows how smart I am. They just know I'm different than the rest. Basically, people, mainly my family have created way to big expectations around me since I was a kid. I learned to read ( alone ) when I was 2,5 years old, and to write when I was 3. When I joined school, I was the black sheep of the class. No one really liked me. I was the "smartass", the wonk, the Mr. knows-it-all. But I understand them. I couldn't wait for my turn to answer the questions. I wanted to be the first to finish and to do everything. As I was getting older, I started to act different. I no longer wanted to show I knew everything.

    While everyone else had to work hard and study a lot to get good results and marks, I didn't need to do anything. So, because of that, teachers would compliment me a lot. Everyone asked me why I wouldn't work harder, to be brilliant. It felt so good. It made me feel special... Teachers saying I had charisma and that I was good at pretty much everything. I was also the class clown. Humor and jokes are my shield. And my weapon. My shield against awkward social situations, and my weapon to socialize. Or at least, it used to be like this.

    The years passed, and everything was getting harder. When I was 16, I actually had to start studying. But I couldn't. I couldn't focus. I always failed to finish or to even start my plans. I also failed to finish my 12th grade, the year before university.

    Today I haven't finished it yet. And that's the reason I can't get a decent job. I didn't finish it because I accommodated myself during the last years. And now, I think it's too late. People tell me the opposite, but it is late. I want to go to university. I don't know how to integrate and to meet new people. I suck at that. I also never had a serious relationship with any girl.

    And this is where the problem resides. I fell in love with 2 girls in a matter of 3 years. And, please, I know the difference between love and liking someone. I don't know why this happens. This doesn't happen very often. In fact, before these 2, it only happened once when I was much younger. I look at them, and I don't know what happens.. it's a click. It's their eyes. It's like they cast a spell on me. I look at them, I feel something special. I don't know them, but I start convincing myself that they are the ONES.

    The first time, and to sum it up, it was kind of a platonic love. I knew I didn't have a chance. But surprisingly, this were going well, till a "friend" shows up and ruins everything. Just for the sake of ruining it. I had a severe depression. It was my first one. It was horrible. I didn't know this side of me. I lost 10 kg's in one month. And I'm not fat. I could write a book about this phase of my life. I'm agnostic and I even started going to the church every Sunday morning, so I could see her.

    I went through that. But now it happened again. I'm cursed again. When I realize, I'm thinking of how my life would be with this new girl. About marrying, having kids. Loving her. I think of her every minute. I don't know what to do. I had to ask 2 friends of mine, to get her number for me. They failed to.

    I felt so bad, and she didn't even say NO in my face. So the next day ( yesterday ), while working at the warehouse, this woman asks me to help her with a heavy box. The box slipped from my hands and it hit her and hurts her in the neck. I didn't know what do to. Mainly because she's pretty and I get nervous around pretty women. She called me an animal and stuff, in a joking tone, but I was so fragile that those words echoed in such a horrible way inside my chest... I walked away, and all of a sudden everything bad about my life, starts popping in my head. I cried, I cried so much. It was break time and I sat on the ground, crying. I looked up to the racks, and checked how high it was, to jump from there and end everything. But it wasn't. My boss passed by and caught me... she asked me what was going on, and I only told her about how I felt while working there. She told me she noticed I was different and that she even calls me "the intellectual guy" when I'm not around. She also offered me a lot of possibilities, to kept me motivated. But it wasn't good enough.

    I'm tired. No one ever takes me serious enough. I'm also tired of this country. All the people I know are a bunch of brainless muppets. I know I'm not meeting the right people, but where can I find a group of friends that I can identify with myself ? I'm willing to go to another country, I wanna share new experiences, with new people. I feel I don't know where to go. I'm at a dead end. Why are we so complex ? Why is life so complex ?
  2. I need help

    I need help Well-Known Member

    Hey istvan
    I alway ask myself and others why life is so one knows the answer..but I'm sure things will fall into place...about that you said she was just joking...just let it go and try talking to her..see how she reacts to she'll flirt! :)
    love is really complex...but if one tries hard enough he or she will find the right person for themselves! might even happen when you don't expect it!

    It's never too late to finish highschool..I know lots of my friends did it...and are doing it now..3-4 years after highschool ended..even some that are older then me are doing it now....
  3. Mr A and the sky pilots

    Mr A and the sky pilots Well-Known Member

    Well its alright to fall in love with two girls in 3 years, Iv only fallen in love twice and Im still with my second. Failing at school really isnt as big as you think. In the UK i did the same as you and i failed english and maths (Big right?) well turns out not to be as i re-did them at college ( course work based instread of exams) and did a National Diploma in forestry. Now going from no qualifications to that, i then progressed to a HND which is one day a week for 2 years. Its great, and its all free from our government.

    So i know things are a little different in your country but can't you do night classes? I mean yeah jobs suck, they really do, even if you get the one you want its still gona suck. If you want to get out of the area come to the UK on a student visa, although theres no jobs here:sad:

    If you want a challanging job, why dont you look at the public sector after you sort your education out? The police, fire services, FBI, civilian staff etc.

    The good thing is that you have a job(s) and friends, somthing a lot of other people in this world dont have. If you want to prove to everyone, you should go for night classes and go on the honour roll.
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