My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Oct 15, 2009.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    My name is Aaron, I am 17 years old. I am an FTM (female-to-male) transgendered person. I am currently still female in body but I have a referral in for a Gender Identity Clinic, which will take about 6 months for me to reach the front of the waiting list.

    It was March when I realised that I was transgendered, and it was then that I chose my new name. However, the reality of it didn't properly hit me until 23rd September, and I spent about 2 weeks in the worst depression of my life, where I just woke up, went to college, came home, and didn't actually live life at all. In fact, when I finally came around from that depression, I couldn't actually remember a lot of what had happened over the week-two weeks. Apart from that I actually felt so shit, I didn't treat my boyfriend like a partner. I just talked to him about how shit I felt. And I couldn't have sex with him without breaking down and feeling horribly wrong.

    During this period, (3rd October) I came out to my mother. At first, during the conversation, she was supportive. She was saying that it was my life and that I could live it how I wanted to, and that she had no right to stop me. But then, she started freaking out. She started researching gender dysphoria, and quoting websites at me to try and contradict me and tell me that I am wrong.

    Not long after that, I got a text message from her saying that my nanna and grandad hadn't reacted very well to the news. I raged at her for telling people about this obviously very sensitive issue, and I found out that she'd actually told three more people on top of that. This resulted in rage from me, and us not talking to each other from Saturday to Wednesday. During this time, I had my first suicidal thoughts.

    As a means to test the waters, I allowed my boyfriend to tell one of his friends (he worries about what his friends would think of him and the fact he is staying with me until my transition advances so much that he doesn't feel comfortable/attracted to me). The friend that he told swore he wouldn't tell, however, he told his girlfriend, who then told her friend, and now, all of my boyfriend's friends know. The original guy apologised only to my boyfriend, about breaking his trust. He didn't give a damn what he'd done to me, that I was pissed off/upset.

    Tonight, my mam told me that my boyfriend was no longer welcome at our house. Apparently she doesn't understand how I can still be with him (even though she apparently knows that gender identity and sexual orientation are completely separate). Apparently she's looking for someone to blame too, and apparently it's a three way split between her, my dad and my boyfriend (because I started having these feelings not long after we got together). She "doesn't know why" but apparently she feels uncomfortable having him in the house, and couldn't even bring herself to speak to him the last time he was over. So basically he's not allowed to come over to my house anymore. She is just making life more difficult for me than it has to be right now.

    Seriously. I think my boyfriend's caring and affections are the only thing keeping me alive right now. I wake up every morning with absolutely no motivation to even get out of bed. There's a box of painkillers on my bedside table, and I'm constantly aware of the fact that they're there. Every morning I have the same thoughts, that reaching over and grabbing them would be so much easier for me than continuing to force myself up on a morning to live through another miserable day. I think, at least if I had my boyfriend next to me to wake up to, I wouldn't have these thoughts.

    It just keeps getting worse. Sometimes it just comes out of no where, most days it's when I wake up, and sometimes it's because of something my mam's done (ie. now) or when my boyfriend gets irritated and pissed off at me and I feel like he'd be better off without me.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry your are feeling so crappy I hope you have a therapist you can talk to someone who can understand what you are going through. You can only be yourself when it comes right down to it and what people think is their problem.
    Try to get some therapy if only to have someone to vent too. Glad you vented here keep posting it does help
     
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