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My story...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OceanBlue2, Oct 16, 2009.

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  1. OceanBlue2

    OceanBlue2 Member

    Every time I talk about the past 5 or so years of my life, I feel like all I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself, but I don't think I'll accurately be able to put into words just how emotionally and mentally fragile and traumatized I really am. There just isn't a way.

    I was married at 23 to a really wonderful guy, we had 2 children early in our lives and although hectic and hard, life was good. I started becoming clinically depressed I believe after my 2nd child, but nothing that was severe. I think it was just that my husband and I worked, had two babies to take care of and were not doing that great financially, but those blessings were always there.

    Over the years, my husband began to drink, and when he did, he became incredibly hostile. He moved up in his company, so did I, and we bought a house and had our condo to rent, so financially, we were doing well. I was able to quit my job when my girls were about 6 & 7 to do what I wanted...become a fitness trainer. I had an Ebay store, was working out a lot, and being there for my girls, which was the most important thing.

    My husband's company was bought out by another, and he got a package. He was crushed, and the drinking became morning until night. I started taking prescription pills so I could "calm" myself, and that escalated as well.

    3 years ago, my husband died of a heart attack at the age of 42, but it was brought on by taking massive amounts of steroids, going into severe alcohol withdrawal and an overdose of something else. Before that though, we were becoming financially incapable of taking care of the mortgage, my husband was taking pieces of furniture and re-attaching them to other pieces?? This was part of the brain that was being damaged by the steroid and alcohol usage. He had actually lost a year in his life, and I had to take him to the hospital, where he ran away from, up into our attic and found a stashed bottle of whiskey. After that, he remembered everything. At this time, he began spitting on me and becoming increasingly volatile. One night, he lost it and threw me to the ground over and over until I landed on the back of my head and had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. The state pressed charges and which he was later charged with assault to a family member. He also had another charge, harboring a runaway, which my girls said they had sneaked in their friend to our house and he didn't know about it. I kept on going back and forth, hired a lawyer to get the girls out of there (they were 14 and 15 at this time and were able to choose whom they lived with, and Dad partied, so that was fun for them).

    I got a call from my daughter who found her Dad in bed unresponsive. I will NEVER forgive myself for not being there and having her have to discover her Dad dead. Afterward, I was there for the girls on autopilot, but after 2 weeks with people coming over (teenagers) and not being able to even cope anymore, I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the psychiatric hospital 5 times. I was jailed as well for "failure to stop and give information", taken away, and my sister-in-law (husband's sister) got custody of them. When that happened, my world fell apart (as if it hadn't already). I filed Chapter 7, surrendered my home and everything else and moved into my Dad's house. My girls would not talk to me. (now, we are so close, and they see now what they didn't see then and have a lot of guilt which they SHOULD NOT HAVE). They have been in counseling ever since and will not talk to their aunt.

    I cannot get a job, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, there is no money, no nothing left. It's as if my life has been erased completely, with nothing, I mean NOTHING left. My husband and I were married 17 years, and I loved him with everything I had. I was not a good wife...I was on prescription medication, abusing it to numb my pain, just as he was trying to numb his.

    There is a lot more to this, but I believe this is long enough. It's hard for me to get up in the morning. It's hard for me to function. NOTHING ... not one thing that I used to enjoy do I find enjoyment in anymore. And I've tried every anti-depressant under the sun, going off the medication to see if that would help (I became increasingly worse) and have seizures because of the Klonopin they had me on and I tried to stop taking it. They said I HAVE to take it, or I will have seizures.

    I'm 43 years old, my daughters are grown, and I've already attempted suicide and it didn't work. I cannot do that again, because I feel that I was kept here for some reason, of what, I do not know. All I know is I just wait from the beginning until the end of the day so I can sleep and not have to think about having so much hurt inside of me.:sad:
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are here. You have had it very rough and you can talk about it here. Since your daughters are grown you will probably have grandchildren soon. Keep going for them, it is wonderful to be a grandma.

    Have you applied for disability so you can have bread and butter money?

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    no not everything is gone you have your daughters love back. They lost their father they do not need to loose their mother. No matter what age they will always need you so stay strong okay lean on us if need be. we are here for you.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You have had a rough life.. I relate to loosing everything you had..When I had my breakdown I lost my job, my house, my new truck, and my fiance'..I have been hospitalised ten times..I agree you should apply for disability.. Get letters from you doctors.. It helps you get thru the process a little easier..You have nothing to be ashamed about..Talking is one of the best things you can do to help let those negative thoughts out..We are here for you and if you need one on one talking then PM any of us..
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i hear you..... you are not alone as ive experienced a similar situation......
    stay on the site a while and gain support for those hard days you face.
  6. OceanBlue2

    OceanBlue2 Member

    Wow, I appreciate the support. But does anyone really know where the precipice begins and where the fall happens?

    I read, I read, I read. I want to help others. That's what I believe my experiences have shaped me to do. Yet I cannot get over the fact that my own sister screamed in my face that I was a loser, that I should kill myself and I was a waste of space in this world. I wouldn't care normally, but I have adored this woman my entire life (she's sixteen years older than I, and I've always looked up to her). HOw can someone tell you that you are a piece of shit, that you are not worth anyting, send you back to where you live and actually live with themselves, knowing that they invited ;you to go there with the intention of starting a new life? I would DO ANYTHING (except unlawfully) to gain employment. I will work until I bleed. I just cannot believe my own family doesn't understand what has gone on.??????

    I OWN what I've done. I will ALWAYS take accountability for it. But should I be punished for it forever????? I can tell you now, I have been punished 20x over.
  7. OceanBlue2

    OceanBlue2 Member

    I have gone to the social security office, human health and services and have applied, but have been turned down. I'm going to try again - I have my doctor (family practitioner and counselor) who I've been seeing for quite awhile. I think it just takes several tries..I'm hoping, anyway.

    I live for my daughters. They are my heart. That's why I couldn't put them through losing their mother, but I was so suicidal right after their Dad died that I did call 911 to tell them I was going to hurt myself and I needed hospitalization, thus, the 5 stays in the Psychiatric hospital. My oldest daughter comes over 2 or 3 times a week with her boyfriend and my Dad, who has been through enough already, has to be up all night long listening to her rummaging through the house for I don't know what. My youngest is working, going to college, has an incredible amount of patience and when we talk about what has happened, she says that she is proud of me. That means more than anything in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a waste of space, but I mentally kick myself for that because I feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I grew up in a house of very tough individuals, my Dad was in WWII, and we didn't express our emotions....ever.

    I'm going to take the advice given here and look into disability. I really do appreciate all of the support. I was just dealt a little blow today. I thought I would go out on a date this weekend (I don't date normally at all), and the guy said something to the effect of it being a physical thing, and I told him it wasn't going to be and he said he has plenty of backups. I've been friends with this person for 10 months, and we were each other's confidante's, but you know what? I would NEVER go out with anyone like that...I have walls up which helps, I don't need a male in my life, and every woman or man should have respect for themselves. I don't think I've had that before, and if anything, I've gained some sort of toughness out of this.

    I may not have the life I had, I may not ever have the life I want because I can't see those colors, but maybe that is the purpose.
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