First of all I would like to say thank you to the owner and those individuals who are serving the forum by helping others in need. It is much appreciated, you are all truly doing a great thing. My first suicidal thought came into fruition at around age 12 or so. I began smoking marijuana regularly at 13. Tried various other drugs and became a regular meth user at 16. Went to rehab for meth at around 17. Came out clean for 3 months but became a regular marijuana smoker and alcohol user. I didn't touch meth again until somewhat recently. I became a heavy MDA/MDMA user at around 19 and that went on for over a year. I attempted suicide about 1 year and 1 month ago by <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. It was quite an experience, one I will never forget. I will not go into all of the details unless someone is interested in hearing about it. Very negative. I shook it off, continued working.. This happened in like Nov 08. New Years Eve 08 I partied it up of course but told myself 09 will be a year for change. I have not used ecstacy for about a year now but have done meth a hand full of times this year, and still smoke and drink. This year has been up and down, left and right, side to side, front to back, etc, etc. I quit my job in the first quarter of this year because I felt it was not what I wanted to do with my life. The money was great, that I miss because I'm broke now, but the enviroment was questionable and the work was a dead end. I'm wanting to give up again. I have family that loves and cares about me, friends as well - that I have been neglecting, unfortunately.. my teeth are rotting out due to neglecting them all throughout my childhood.. i'm sure the meth didn't help.. my credit is fucked, i owe family money, i owe the banks money.. I consider myself a spiritual person. I recognize the inter connectedness in which all life shares. I was staying in the pacific northwest for several months after quitting my job here in the city and felt so much more at peace, however my physical integration was indeed lacking. I was not applying myself at all aside from my spiritual website/blog.. It was still a lot nicer than where I am now.. but like they say, no matter where you go, there you are.. I do not see it as a coincidence I incarnated into the shoes I have on now... I truly don't. I believe in karma/cause and effect and I truly feel that this experience is a result of previous mis-use of power, or whatever.. i could ramble on about various spiritual concepts but I will spare you. I am staying with my fathers side of the family here now.. prior I was sleeping in parks.. the weather got nasty so I had to try to find a place to stay in doors. It was quite liberating, sleeping outdoors and experiencing the homeless life.. I feel that I gained a lot. I do not feel comfortable here so much because some of my family sees me as a failure due to my decisions and choices.. if they only knew what I tried a year ago.. I Love all of my family the same, they are all just at different points in their experience.. There is a reason why there is a Usenet group called suicide.holiday which is all about discussing why there is an increase in suicide cases on the holidays... I have nothing to contribute and this side focuses heavily on material... I definitely don't want to be here.... I think it all boils down to physical integration for me.. i had a dream where I was facing a river which was flowing incredibly fast and I had to get to the other side... i believe i was telling myself there will be hard times ahead.. seemingly impossible... i just feel so hopeless... my credit, my mouth, what i owe, etc.. <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> [Suicide] really sounds somewhat pleasing..i do believe, without a doubt, if i choose to do so i will have to repeat all of the lessons i am currently learning now and probably end up with even more unique "shoes"... but... i don't know......... deep sigh.