my story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sincredibly, Dec 17, 2009.

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  1. sincredibly

    sincredibly Member

    First of all I would like to say thank you to the owner and those individuals who are serving the forum by helping others in need. It is much appreciated, you are all truly doing a great thing.

    My first suicidal thought came into fruition at around age 12 or so. I began smoking marijuana regularly at 13. Tried various other drugs and became a regular meth user at 16. Went to rehab for meth at around 17. Came out clean for 3 months but became a regular marijuana smoker and alcohol user. I didn't touch meth again until somewhat recently. I became a heavy MDA/MDMA user at around 19 and that went on for over a year.

    I attempted suicide about 1 year and 1 month ago by <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>. It was quite an experience, one I will never forget. I will not go into all of the details unless someone is interested in hearing about it. Very negative.

    I shook it off, continued working.. This happened in like Nov 08. New Years Eve 08 I partied it up of course but told myself 09 will be a year for change. I have not used ecstacy for about a year now but have done meth a hand full of times this year, and still smoke and drink.

    This year has been up and down, left and right, side to side, front to back, etc, etc. I quit my job in the first quarter of this year because I felt it was not what I wanted to do with my life. The money was great, that I miss because I'm broke now, but the enviroment was questionable and the work was a dead end.

    I'm wanting to give up again. I have family that loves and cares about me, friends as well - that I have been neglecting, unfortunately.. my teeth are rotting out due to neglecting them all throughout my childhood.. i'm sure the meth didn't help.. my credit is fucked, i owe family money, i owe the banks money..

    I consider myself a spiritual person. I recognize the inter connectedness in which all life shares. I was staying in the pacific northwest for several months after quitting my job here in the city and felt so much more at peace, however my physical integration was indeed lacking. I was not applying myself at all aside from my spiritual website/blog.. It was still a lot nicer than where I am now.. but like they say, no matter where you go, there you are..

    I do not see it as a coincidence I incarnated into the shoes I have on now... I truly don't. I believe in karma/cause and effect and I truly feel that this experience is a result of previous mis-use of power, or whatever.. i could ramble on about various spiritual concepts but I will spare you.

    I am staying with my fathers side of the family here now.. prior I was sleeping in parks.. the weather got nasty so I had to try to find a place to stay in doors. It was quite liberating, sleeping outdoors and experiencing the homeless life.. I feel that I gained a lot. I do not feel comfortable here so much because some of my family sees me as a failure due to my decisions and choices.. if they only knew what I tried a year ago.. :p I Love all of my family the same, they are all just at different points in their experience..

    There is a reason why there is a Usenet group called which is all about discussing why there is an increase in suicide cases on the holidays... I have nothing to contribute and this side focuses heavily on material... I definitely don't want to be here....

    I think it all boils down to physical integration for me.. i had a dream where I was facing a river which was flowing incredibly fast and I had to get to the other side... i believe i was telling myself there will be hard times ahead.. seemingly impossible...

    i just feel so hopeless... my credit, my mouth, what i owe, etc.. <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods> [Suicide] really sounds somewhat pleasing..i do believe, without a doubt, if i choose to do so i will have to repeat all of the lessons i am currently learning now and probably end up with even more unique "shoes"... but... i don't know.........

    deep sigh.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2009
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have had a rough go of life. Would it be helpful to you to get back into detox for a bit to get you off everything again. There are people there that care and do give you coping skills to perhaps help you. They can also give you some advice on you credit situation. Whatever help is out there use it okay get yourself stable If the holiday season is going to be rough sign yourself into rehab now so you can be stronger then take care.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey reading your thread I see a real fighter. Someone that even when they want to lay down you are capable of kicking your own arse(lol) and picking yourself up again. This time the game may be a little different but you are still the same player. You're posting here so that just adds to what I already see. Posting is reaching out and looking for a little help to get back up. And SF is great for support and help and friendship when it looks like there isnt any to be found around you.

    I agree with violet. Although you may be with family right now, they cant really understand all that you are struggling with. If not detox or rehab maybe look into crisis shelter. It will be a safe place to stay. Kind of a little extra insurance to keeping safe when you might not be able to guarantee yourself that. They might also be able to steer you in the direction of resources that can help you with some of the issues you have.

    And you always have a sounding board here. Someplace to vent or talk or call out for help where no one else will judge. You wont be alone or misunderstood. Keep posting and let others get a chance to see how they might be able to help.
  4. sincredibly

    sincredibly Member

    Thank you both for your kind responses.

    Perhaps my logic here is erroneous however I will try to convey how I feel about rehab and "getting help" for my addiction(s)..

    I went to rehab for 28 days about 3 years ago now.. I went into it with a perspective of that I will learn something, I will gain something. Many others did not submit themselves they were "forced" and they did not hold such a perspective..

    I learned a lot.. It helped. However.. It did not help me see/realize the true reason as to why I was choosing to use.. Sure.. it gives one a "program" that allows that one to quit using and fulfilling their addictions.. but it is debatable that in actuality this just acts as a band aid.. the 12 steps.. the AA, NA, etc..

    IT DOES WORK.. I am not denying that.. Like they say, it works if you work it, and indeed it does work...

    HOWEVER... the root/core issue.. is often times still unknown to many rehab patients... it was this way for me..

    Without the rehab I would have probably died, for sure.. it helped me tremeoundsly....

    Now, though... I know that every time I choose to look for drugs or to get high.. or look to drink more than just a beer... I'm trying to aleviate an empty feeling... and once whatever it is I use wares of... surprise surprise... back to that same old empty feeling... now.. why is there that emptyness to begin with? what's missing????

    Physical integration. In my heart I feel that I should be helping others, serving others in some way...

    I am not a failure.. I have not failed. However, my choices and decisions have led me to a place where it is difficult for me to apply myself in the manner I envision...

    Humanity is in such a unique place right now... I speak of us as One.. The collective.. Humanity... It's tough, you know?? So many of us are so disconnected from the true essence of our beingness... It's sad. I believe we are all beings of sorrow.. and I believe many souls chose to incarnate here specifically to help others who have forgotten their true nature.... it's all speculation though really... but it just feels that way to me...

    Grrrrrrr..... GRRRR.... I would not only be giving up on myself.. I would be giving up on all of us... Having the knowledge I have is definitely supportive of this... On an individual level sure.. I would be doing "myself" in... however on the flip side I am also giving up on all of us..... I am saying I'm too weak to move forward... too weak to continue on this journey.... and that's totally not me.... another deep sigh..

    i just need to do something =/

    thanks again :)
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Well you could always find a job to occupy your time and thoughts..I was a heavy user when I was younger.. It took for me to have my daughter.. That made me quit using..I did become an alcoholic but eventually kicked tha also..About three years ago my neice bought me some weed and I kept after her to keep buying it for me.. She quit returning my phone calls and it made me realise in that short time I was hooked again..I quit cold turkey each time.. I never went thru rehab.. I just kept telling myself That I didn't need it..I do drink during the holidays because I have a rough time with them.. A long story so I won't go there..I guess what I am saying is you need to make up your mind that you are going to quit and remove yourself from that environment..You can do it, It justs takes will power..
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