My Story

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by lost, Aug 4, 2006.

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  1. lost

    lost Member

    Firstly i am so thankful for this website and the people on here who have taken the time to care about me. It is greatly appreciated. I now feel ready to share my story but this is mostly for my thereputic value so don't feel compelled to comment. It's nice to be able to write it all down and get it all out. To understand why i hurting at the moment i have to give some background info, sorry.

    I grew up with a mother who was (is) an obsessive compulsive liar and spender. She is seriously fucked up in the head. My first memory is of saving her life at 4 years old and getting abused for it. (If i hadn't have done what i did she would have died as she is diabetic and was in the last stages of hypo before coma and death. this is something that really bugs me - i should have let her die and life would have been way better) Anyhow, she never controled her sugar levels and my entire childhood was spent nursing her through those hypos. She is also very abusive and physically & sexually abused me as a young child. This stopped when i got smart enough to tell people what was going on - i have a big loud mouth LOL!! So then she controled me in other ways by using social abuse (isolated me from everyone) psychological abuse and mental abuse. Then i became reponsible at about 8 fro my whole family (call me mini-mum). I was doing the shopping,cooking, cleaning, making lunches, raising my brother and sister. You name it i did it. I was a very mixed up kid and used uni as a way to escape her. My brother cursed me the day i left and told me he hated me cos now he was going to cop what i had and the burden would be his. That hurt. Both because i wasn't able to sheild him and because he hated me.

    I was diagnosed with boarderline personality disorder during uni (which i put myself through). Got engaged. Got unengaged and became an alcoholic (i found out he was cheating on me and then he replaced me with his new boyfriend and girlfriend!!:blink: ) Became self harming. Met a new bloke and was forced into living with him cos his mum threw him out. Became suicidal. Got help and went through 2 years of therepy. Fell in love with new bloke and married him. Was fixed (HA!!) and discharged from therepy. Then i had a baby. Husband couldn't cope with my feelings after baby was born and became physically abusive - shoving me around etc. Fell out of love with husband, but stayed cos i felt it might have been becuase of circumstance and things may get better once baby was olderr. Told him if he touched me again he'd never see us again. (and he hasn't). Bought a house. Started renovating house. Fell pregnant. So sick i couldn't work. Husband started applying for credit cards to see us by. Had baby. Day after the i birth died and had an NDE. Recovered then got a virus when baby was 5mths old. Nearly killed me & the dr thought i was dieing). No support from hubby (he took the time off from work to be with me at hospital but was never there - actually cut a tree down instead of visiting me on the day they thought i was going to cark it). Recovered and begged dr's to let me go home. They did on condition i ws to stay ion bed for a week. Cooked tea the night i went home.
    Renovations continued. Life got worse. I became more unhappy - wnated to get back to work. Husband insisted i work as the credit card debt was ludicrous. Got a job - a good one that i loved and it was full time which was too much of a job for my husband. Now he was cranky cos i was never there and he had to do stuff around the house. Relationship deteriorated. Became suicidal and tried a few times again. Self harming again after many years of not cutting myself.
    Decided to sell the house to allow us to pay of card debts but can't do that till renovations finished (he started 10 jobs and none got finished, everything was half done).
  2. Callan

    Callan Guest

    I can't beleive you have been through so much and you are still able to care about and support others on here. You are a very very strong person and your kids are really lucky to have you as their mum. I don't like your husband. If I was your husband I would treat you nicely.
  3. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    First off welcome. You are an extremely strong person to have been through all of that - and that is an understatement. Men are like that sometimes... my dad is sometimes a pain... Hope to see you around.

  4. lost

    lost Member

    Ohh, crap - i didn't realize that i had posted that - it's only half finished and not edited (blush, blush!!).

    To continue...(the bit about why i'm struggling now)

    So, my hubby's dad & step mum were going to live oversees so dad offered us his place while we finished our renos. We accepted and planned around when his house was to be finished (he was completing a house lift and remodel downstairs). That decided we prepared to move. Hubby started gutting bathroom so we moved into our downstairs 1 bedroom granny flat. It was supposed to be for one week. It lasted 3 months cos dad didn't get his place finished (and he blamed us for pressuring him to get itfinished by a certain date but he told us what date to move in -tossa). We were also waiting for him to finish making his house safe and legal. Which he didn't do. So as a result we moved into his place (to do this i had to go and paint the bloody place cos otherwise painters were going to do it 2 months later and we'd have to move our furniture all over again). He was supposed to organise balistrades for the stairs. He didn't. The house is 3 meters off the ground. I badgered everyone i could to get it done but shit all happened. While this was happening my step-mother-law lied and did a few underhanded things once we moved in, including having the gas and electricity disconnected (we were living there). Bitch had wanted her daughter to move into the place but dad offered it to us first.

    In the meantime i was promoted at work and given a pay rise with out asking (he he - clever me!!) but this meant even longer hours. I was absolutely exhausted and as a result my disability got worse (i have degenerating connective tissue which means my left side is fucked so bad at times i have trouble walking). Because of that i tripped over (my own feet - do'h) at work and injured my whole right side, neck and arm. Couldn't move for a week. Went back to work (for a whole 5 days) and i broke my foot volunteering at the community centre. Had two weeks off as i was on crutches. The day i was supposed to go back to work i got out of bed and promptly had (a very minor) brain hemorrage. It has cause some very frustrating side affects which really upset me and no one else gives a damn and just expects me to continue on like i used to (have short term memory issues, have trouble reading - this kills me cos books are my life and i used to read at least 3 or 4 novels a week (not crappy romances, real books, mostly non fiction), and my brain has trouble processing language - typing etc is very hard now - lost ability to touch type). I took two weeks off (i wanted to take more cos i was still feeling really crappy). I had also caught the flu. The day i was supposed to return to work i had flu so bad i went upstairs as i was so snotty and coughing i was worried i'd wake the whole house. It 7am my son called out to me. I went to the door - it opens out onto the stairs (which is illegal) and because of this i called out to my son to make sure he wasn't behind the door. He said nothing. I opened the door. It knocked him over the edge of the stairs (no balistrades!) and he fell 3 meters onto his head onto a cement tiled floor(he is only just 2) . He was rushed to hospital (by the same ambos who took me two weeks earlier - they were great) and went straight to a&e. Where they gave him nurofen (pain killer). That contributed to his injury cos it thins the blood which means you bleed quicker. That was at 7:30. By 9:30 they still hadn't done anything to help him and i knew something was wrong. He was white as a ghost, freezing cold and falling aslepp. He also couldn't keep anything down. I asked them to scan him and they refused. All they said they would do is wait untill 11am and then send him home. Both the intern and head dr said to let him sleep becausde he'd feel better after a nap. I told my hubby to keep him awake and to not let him sleep for any reason. That's when the first miracle happened. I was thinking that i should just trust the doctors and let it be and someone behind me to my right told me not to give up until they scanned him. They said he'd be fine but only if i got him scanned. I turned to talk to this person and there was noone there. I now truely believe it was my son's guardian angel. I then upped the anti and become a bitchy parent telling the dr's to get their fingers out and scan my son. None of them would and they said it would be fine for him to fall asleep (fuck wits). I eventually talked the head dr into an xray of my son's chest, thinking he was bleeding internally due to a problem he has. Got back and insisted on head CT which they refused but they offered him morphene for the pain in his head (had i said yes it would have killed him instantly). They did nothing until they heard me recount a story to another patient about when they nearly killed my daugther at 2 months old and i'd threatened to sue them. Once they heard that he was scanned within 10 mins. By this time it is 10:40 (yep - they stuffed around for an hour). I walked outside as he was wheeled back to a&e to call family to come and get my daughter. I was gone 7 minutes. When i got back the surgeon was ther and my hubby had signed the consent form for surgery. He had (at miniumum) a clot that was 7.3cm x 3.4cm x 5cm and growing. He was in surgery within a half hour.

    We were then lied to continually by the hospital as they were trying to cover their incompetant arses. The only honest people were the surgeon and his 2ic. They told us he had had minutes to live and the clot wasn't big, it was massive, taking up approx a third of his skull. The dr said he ws amazed that my son had still been awake and talking to us - he should have been unconscious. we were told to expect to have to teach him how to walk, talk,etc all over again and that he may be brain damaged. (luckly, besides a 25cm scar on his little head, you'd never know it had happened - the third mirical). We spent the next week while he was in icu and paeds ward awake. It was a tough time. After he was discharged we went back to see the surgeon as a follow up. At this time we were told by him that he had started an internal enquiry into why the sonographer hadn't followed protocol and informed surgery that my son needed surgery. We had been told that they had called the dr which is why it was so quick that he was there. In actual fact that sonographer had said nothing to anyone and the dr had been walking through the emergency room on his way home out of habit and noticed my son's scan result and flipped. (2nd mirical)

    All up i had about 2 months off work. I made the decision to quit but because of the job i have i couldn't just hand over to anyone else. It took 4 weeks to get out and now i am only working for 10hrs a week.
  5. lost

    lost Member

    I think why i am so upset now is that once my son was okay and at home i was on the verge or a nervous breakdown. I was extremely upset one day and slammed a door. It is a temperary door and shoddily built so when i slammed it the door went past the jam and locked me in the bedroom. My hubby then ranted to the kids to keep away from the door cos they might get glass in their feet (the light is above door and was slightly dislodged). He made out i'd destroyed the light and door. (there was nothing wrong with the light) He then told my kids that i was really good at breaking things and that'w what i was good at. I really flipped at that one. He kept saying it until i yelled out in respose that, yep i was really good at breaking things, including my own son. I then went outside and sliced my legs to pieces, deeper than ever before. He didn't try to help me or anything. Since than he has been saying and doing things just to upset me.

    And, because of the time off we had and the bills we didn't pay we are now seriously sinking financially. big time.

    I seriously think i'm loosing the plot and know i need to go and see my councellor but i just can't afford it. So every day i tread water, not feeling human and too depressed to even pretend i am. I am being a crap mum. I have wild mood swings and can't sleep. When i do sleep i get woken up by my body going numb / tingly cos of my disabilty. I don't rememeber the last time i slept the whole night through. I know i am not being rational at the moment and am willing to take responsibilty for that. i figure my hubby is only resposible for his 50% of the shit that goes on and i am responsible for the rest but do you think he will admit that he's got a problem. NUP. He is perfect and the only one with a problem is me. It sucks. Don't get me wrong, at times he is great and does work hard for our family (he's renovating our house on his own) but i don't want him to help my physically. I need his emotional support. He was the ONLY person i trusted. The only froiend i had. Now i am too scared to talk to him (besides the fact that he won't talk without trying to bait me). He treats me like i'm an idiot. I am scared of him rejecting me. Or woirse still using everything as ammo against me.I feel like i'm living with my mother again.

    Speaking of her (and hence the childhood rundown) i found out from my sister that she supposedly had a stroke last week. I say supposedly because she is a hypocondriact and uses illness to get attention. After she found out about what had happen to us (through my siblings as i haven't spoken to her for 8 years) all of a sudden she is in hospital. I found out she has been discharged today as they couldn't find anything wrong with her. Before i knew this i was really struggling with how i should feel about her being in hospital and the possiblity of her death.
    Ohh. And our dog died too.
    All of this, from my son's birth till right now has only been 2 1/2 years. I feel like i'm loosing the plot big time and am scared of what is going to happen next. I'm even starting to feel really uncomfortable leaving the house.

    I feel like such a looser - i have been blessed with dying and coming back and having my son saved and yet i can't get over my feelings of complete hopelessness.

    I feel so much better getting it all out. It's almost a novel!! I know no one will read the whole lot but that's fine cos this was more for me than to tell everyone else.
  6. Callan

    Callan Guest

    I read it all.

    Thats a lot to happen in that small amount of time. Maybe you've been given all the bad stuff in life at once and now it will start to get better and the rest of your life will be brilliant? I really hope it helped to write it all down and I know I said it before but you are a very strong person and I don't think you are a bad mum. I think you are a really good mum. It's not your fault what happened to your son. It's obvious you love him a lot. I'm sorry you are in pain and I'm sorry it's harder to read your books now. Maybe that will get easier again someday?
  7. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I read it too... and not meaning to echo but thats a LOT to have gone through already... it doesnt stay dark forever though, things do get better. :hug:


    PS oh and sorry for chat before... i wasnt at the computer.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow that is quite a story. I am sorry for what happened in your past. It sucks when you parents mentally abuse you, I can relate.

    But you have inspired me to not do certian things in life many times over and I thank you for that.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you decided to share your story with us. It is amazing what people can survive. You must be a very strong person to have come this far. :hug:
  10. lost

    lost Member

    Thank you. I am feeling so much better. I was feeling really bad about what was going on with my mum. I went to my quantum physics study group and we did a maditation excercise to release what's holding us back. Surprise surprise, guess what came up? So i bought a card and sent it to her in hospital. In it i outlined that, although a relationship was not possible i forgave her all the abusive things she did. I just feel so amazing for it. Like a big weight has been removed from within me (as opposed to it being lifted off my shoulders. It's a very different feeling). I feel so much better now.

    My hubby must have been worried about me cos he looked up my councellor's number and suggested i make an appointment asap :biggrin: Isn't funny how whan we are in a low we really see the worst. Like we have warped vision. Although he did do and say some bad things i'm sure it wasn't on purpose. He's so tired and he's sick too. I hadn't really noticed because i was so wrapped up in my own torment. Which seems to be for a particular rreason, hey my friend? :)
    Thank you so much for your well wishes and i am glad my story has helped some people find a better feeling inside to help them change.

    After everything that has happenen, i HAVE to say, GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU, Lost xxoo
  11. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Well Lost, I think that that was a very mature thing to do... big big big hugs to you. :hug:

  12. lost

    lost Member

    Thankyou, TDM!
    I was absolutely shitiing myself. Knew that i wanted to do it. Felt tlike i had to do it (not for her, but for me). I carried the card around in my handbag for a day, trying to get the nerve to stick it in the post. I kinda felt like i was going to be giving her a way to control me again. Once it was done i felt huge relief, but still some uncertainty. Then a lady who was really nice to me when i was growing up called me yesterday (talk about synchronicity at it's best LOL). I told her what i had done (she knows my mum and feels the same as me about her). She told me that by forgiving mum i had actually released all of the control she had over me, which is why i felt so much had been released. I actually feel, for the first time in ten years, that if i saw her i wouldn't want to go over and lop her head off with a samurai sword. I was so terrified of her. Now i just feel free. It is just amazing.
    I found a really good book the other day - i'll start a new thread about it. Definately worth reading, it's briliant.
    Have a great day, everyone. Love, lost xxoo
  13. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I read it all too. You write very well and with great details, thoughts for someone to have your disbilities. I would be proud to have you for my friend. I am glad you shared yourself with us. Most of us have so much pain and sh** it our own small envirnment that we are inspired by other overcomers.
    I am glad you have not given up on your kids or your husband. Sounds like you have a tight bunch that does need each other.
    Stay safe,
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