Firstly i am so thankful for this website and the people on here who have taken the time to care about me. It is greatly appreciated. I now feel ready to share my story but this is mostly for my thereputic value so don't feel compelled to comment. It's nice to be able to write it all down and get it all out. To understand why i hurting at the moment i have to give some background info, sorry. I grew up with a mother who was (is) an obsessive compulsive liar and spender. She is seriously fucked up in the head. My first memory is of saving her life at 4 years old and getting abused for it. (If i hadn't have done what i did she would have died as she is diabetic and was in the last stages of hypo before coma and death. this is something that really bugs me - i should have let her die and life would have been way better) Anyhow, she never controled her sugar levels and my entire childhood was spent nursing her through those hypos. She is also very abusive and physically & sexually abused me as a young child. This stopped when i got smart enough to tell people what was going on - i have a big loud mouth LOL!! So then she controled me in other ways by using social abuse (isolated me from everyone) psychological abuse and mental abuse. Then i became reponsible at about 8 fro my whole family (call me mini-mum). I was doing the shopping,cooking, cleaning, making lunches, raising my brother and sister. You name it i did it. I was a very mixed up kid and used uni as a way to escape her. My brother cursed me the day i left and told me he hated me cos now he was going to cop what i had and the burden would be his. That hurt. Both because i wasn't able to sheild him and because he hated me. I was diagnosed with boarderline personality disorder during uni (which i put myself through). Got engaged. Got unengaged and became an alcoholic (i found out he was cheating on me and then he replaced me with his new boyfriend and girlfriend!!:blink: ) Became self harming. Met a new bloke and was forced into living with him cos his mum threw him out. Became suicidal. Got help and went through 2 years of therepy. Fell in love with new bloke and married him. Was fixed (HA!!) and discharged from therepy. Then i had a baby. Husband couldn't cope with my feelings after baby was born and became physically abusive - shoving me around etc. Fell out of love with husband, but stayed cos i felt it might have been becuase of circumstance and things may get better once baby was olderr. Told him if he touched me again he'd never see us again. (and he hasn't). Bought a house. Started renovating house. Fell pregnant. So sick i couldn't work. Husband started applying for credit cards to see us by. Had baby. Day after the i birth died and had an NDE. Recovered then got a virus when baby was 5mths old. Nearly killed me & the dr thought i was dieing). No support from hubby (he took the time off from work to be with me at hospital but was never there - actually cut a tree down instead of visiting me on the day they thought i was going to cark it). Recovered and begged dr's to let me go home. They did on condition i ws to stay ion bed for a week. Cooked tea the night i went home. Renovations continued. Life got worse. I became more unhappy - wnated to get back to work. Husband insisted i work as the credit card debt was ludicrous. Got a job - a good one that i loved and it was full time which was too much of a job for my husband. Now he was cranky cos i was never there and he had to do stuff around the house. Relationship deteriorated. Became suicidal and tried a few times again. Self harming again after many years of not cutting myself. Decided to sell the house to allow us to pay of card debts but can't do that till renovations finished (he started 10 jobs and none got finished, everything was half done).