My story.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Gem_Gem, Jan 23, 2010.

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  1. Gem_Gem

    Gem_Gem Well-Known Member

    Hello, I hope everyone is doing O.k.

    Um, so someone on this forum convinced me to make a thread about this and I now think it is a good idea because I think I need to get it out. In advanced I don't expect anyone to reply I just really want to get it out and speak about it.

    Ok, so from the age of about 2 I was best friends with my cousin. She got brain cancer when she was 6 and died when she was 8. Her dad/my uncle use to be so cool and fun and would do anything for me and her. After her death she moved in with my family, he was really depressed and had changed he started abusing me daily, but I thought this was justified as he had lost his daughter so he had a right to be upset and angry.

    My other uncle also moved in with us him I had never liked and he always use to scare me. Not long after moving in he started abusing me and raping me. I then thought this is what I deserved and there was nothing I could do. They were family I didn't want to say anything to anyone else.

    Um this bit I am not sure if I am allowed to post or not but um yea, My uncle the one that was raping me use to come into the bathroom when I was in the shower and then yeaa I don't really want to go into detail, but I then started to only shower when my whole family was home so he wouldn't get away with it but my room was at the end of the house and when I got out he would be there waiting, I was young and didn't know if what he was doing was right.

    This went on until I was 13. My teacher at school noticed the bruses and asked me what happend I just broke down and told her that it was my uncles she rang my parents and my parents didn't want to believe it and did nothing so my teacher rang the police.

    Before the police could question my uncle...the one whos daughter died, he commited suicide...In my room. I was the one that found him and my family blamed me I blamed me I still blame me, and my other uncle told me it should have been me dead not him.

    About 6 months after my other uncle ended up having to go to court and I had to testifie and my parents hated me so much and told me if he goes to jail I am ruining his life. He was found guilty and had to go to prison for 5 years. My parents still didn't believe me I don't know what more I could of done to prove it to them.

    Not long after he went to prison we moved to another country, my family were ashamed of me and everything that had happend and wanted a fresh start. Thing is my uncle just got out of prison and they said he could come live with us. I am 18 and I am planning on moving out of home except I have to wait another month before I can do that and have the money.

    I am not doing good at the moment. I attempted 2 weeks ago, and was in a coma for over 50 hours and had to stay in hospital. I couldn't talk for over a week and I now have bad memory and forget things really fast. I know I should regret what I did, but I don't. I was so convinced that this is one thing that I would nto fail at but I did.

    I am sorry if this post upsets anyone. I just really needed to get it out because it's like eating me alive.
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni


    I'm kinda speechless because that is an awful thing to go through...

    It is absolutely enraging that your parents didn't believe you and I find it incredible that you made it through all that.

    You did not ruin either of your uncle's lives they did it themselves. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. They were fucking adults and you a child.

    I think you need to do everything you can to get out of there and away from your family because, no offense, they seem absolutely toxic and a mar on your potential happiness. I hope I'm not seeming to blunt or forward on that and I know you've better knowledge of your family and what you want to do.

    With the help of the law I managed to cut an entire half of my family out of my life 5 years ago. Not a great option but it had to be done and I feel I'm better off without them. Again not recommending that but if you think they're holding you back it's somethinhg to consider.

    You deserve better and I think you should go over your options and think about starting a life away from all the bad things that happened to you.

    Just remember it's all in the past and though you can't change it or forget it you can rise above it. Perhaps cheesy but true nonetheless.

    Stay strong. :hug: I'm around if you need anything.
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello Mel, well that must have taken some guts to open up to us like that, you are very brave. I am so sorry really sorry that's a terrible story, a whole load of terrible things to have to go through, and as Fawkes said almost the worst part is that your family not only haven't supported you but made out it's somehow your fault.

    The thing you most need to do now is hold on, hold yourself together while you wait to get away - you deserve your life, they are the ones who have made you feel like this not you. If you can hold on until you can get away then you can start dealing with it from a safe place, until then, keep posting here, please - know that you are amongst people who care and want to be there for you.

  4. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    :hug: well done for posting, that must really have been hard, you have started opening up now, and that is an amazing thing, you have alot more courage than i have :hug: im so sorry that your family did not believe you, that is devistating news, im really sorry! you have done an amazing thing by posting, and im speechless right now, that you have managed to do it. im so sorry that you had to find your uncle, that wasnt fair :hug: i hope that you can get out of your family house in the next month, you deserve to be happy!! and its not your fault, non of this is, please try not to blame yourself!!
    tc :hug:
  5. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    You definetly first need to forgive yourself, you can not blame yourself for any of the events that took place.. It took an immense amount of bravery to post what you did and for that I am proud of you.. Shows that you are on a good path.

    I am very worried though about this man having any sort of contact with you, it sounds like a tremendously dangerous situation... Will he be there before you are able to move out? if so then I strongly strongly encourage you to reach out to your community and gtfo of that place.. Have you talked with any professionals about it? have you voiced your fears? you deserve to be heard and you deserve to be taken seriously!

    Your taking a stand and we are here to hurt with you, to laugh with you, to cry or sing.. keep us posted.
  6. Gem_Gem

    Gem_Gem Well-Known Member

    Thank you all so much for your replies, they mean a lot to me!

    You all say that I did not ruin my uncles lives but I for some reason can not convinse myself otherwise. I feel like my uncle who's daughter died only abused me because he was upset and depressed and if he had just gotten help he could have been happy but instead I get him into trouble and he ends his life. I feel like I did not handle things in the right way.

    As for my other uncle I know he had no reason to do what he did to me but again my family remind me almost every day that they could have handled things themselves. But how would they have if they didn't even believe me even after they found out they left me alone with him.

    My uncle gets here next week. and I do not move out until about the 21st of Feb but I will definitely be trying my best to stay away from him and staying else where. I also feel a bit safer knowing that a police just moved next door to us and our neighbours are really close so there is always that.

    The one thing I am most worried about when seeing him is that all the memories will come back and it will push me over the edge. But my family are telling me that i have done enough damage and that he deserves another chance.

    Still feels like he comes first in the roll of things. Like I am the outcast of the family. But I guess thats fair enough of them to feel that way after I ruined 2 peoples lives.

    I haven't spoken to any professionals about this issue. I see my psychiatirst and counsellor tomorrow and am considering telling them just bits about whats happening cause maybe they can help me get out of the house sooner.

    Thank you's so much for replying and being so caring as I do find it extreamly hard to trust people in talking about stuff so I guess this is a good start. Next step hopefully telling someone in real life.


  7. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    i no how hard it will be to tell your psyc and counsellor, but i think it really will get you out the house sooner, it is good news that police moved in next door :hug: but you need to try and stay as safe as possible, having flashbacks could be a problem with having your uncle under the same roof as you again. trying to avoid situations where you are not alone with your uncle etc, will be very draining, i would say try your best to tell your psyc and counsellor, they may be able to put a plan together with you to keep you safe!! please let someone in real life how your feeling :hug:
  8. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    You DID NOT ruin anyone's life!

    I don't expect you to see that right now after having words otherwise drilled into you for so long.

    You handled things fine. He had NO RIGHT to EVER lay a hand on you. Being depressed is absolutely no excuse. He should have known better.

    As for your other uncle, be very wary if your still at home when he gets there... Those kind of people like to play mind games. Not trying to freak you out or anything but I've dealt with sickos and they get a kick out of fucking with you. Be careful.
  9. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    You certainly have the right to feel what you are feeling, but taking the blame for ruining their lives is a burden that can not be carried for long, it has allready robbed you of so much.

    I will say that your uncle deserves a second chance, but not with you! You still have a wound that is open and it needs to scar and it wont do that without you being able to stay far from him (that is what I gather from what you have said).. you have every right to fear what may happen.. and I think the only way you are going to put that to rest is to have your own place, your own sanctuary, a place that you can control who is there or not.

    and I will say that you have reached out in real life.. we are pioneers of a new age, a new way communicating, this is for real, and you really need to open up to those professionals..

    good luck
  10. Gem_Gem

    Gem_Gem Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies.

    I am going to try my best to tell my psychiatrist tomorrow. I know I will not be able to tell her very much as I can hardly type about it let alone talk. But maybe just tell her my abusive uncle is moving in with us I don't know I guess I will see how it goes tomorrow.

    Fawkes I know what you mean about mind games, um I don't really want to bring this up but my mum who went to Aussie a couple of days ago to go help him rang up last night to talk to everyone and she made me talk to him on the phone I know she didn't really make me but I felt guilty cause my dad was telling me it was the least I could do. I put him on speaker phone because I yeah didn't trust him and I never spoke he was just asking all these questions and I was frozen his voice scared me so much. My dad got angry at told me to speak to him properly and took him off speaker phone and gave me the phone and agh, um he told me that he can'ts wait to see me again and get close again. I just brokedown and ran off. Maybe I am over reacting here but it felt like he was trying to mess with me. Anyway I am making arrangements with my friend who I am moving in with to try stay with her but she is going away for a week so I duno yet.

    Again thank you for your replies.

  11. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    Gem_Gem I have to agree with you, your uncle making a comment like that is absolutely terrible and is very much a cause for concern! And your family forcing you into this position just breaks my heart.

    Do you think you would be able to print out what you have written and take it to your psychiatrist, this way he/she can read it without you having to explain it?
  12. Gem_Gem

    Gem_Gem Well-Known Member

    I think that is a really good idea to print this out. Thank you. I will try that and hopefully be able to give it to her.
  13. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    That would be so awesome...
    We are very concerned about your safety and well being in this whole ordeal.
  14. Gem_Gem

    Gem_Gem Well-Known Member

    Yea, hopefully I can. Although I am doubting myself more as it gets closer.

    Don't be too concerned. I will handle things somehow.
  15. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I think it is natural for us to doubt ourselves the closer to some major task we get.

    I have no doubt that you will handle things, you seam bright and capable to do so. It still does not alleviate my concern, and the warning bells are going off in me like mad concerning your uncle, what he did to you was a true act of evil, you were brave enough that you testified against him in court, and he makes the comment 'he told me that he can'ts wait to see me again and get close again.' like what the hell does that mean? That really alarms me above all and makes me question your safety. Jail is not a fun place, it is not designed to rehabilitate it does not correct behavior, at least not in my opinion and I think there would be a rather large consensus on that, I cant imagine he was respected there and he could very well be jaded and angry and have a huge amount of internalized anger towards you. I am concerned for your life and I think with good reason, don't wait to act, it can be to late.
  16. Gem_Gem

    Gem_Gem Well-Known Member

    I printed it. My appointment is in half an hour so hopefully i give it to her but I am extreamly nervous!

    Yea that is understandable concern. I don't know why he said it I am guessing to mess with my mind but then I don't know if he will hurt me or try anything because if something happends he will be the one that gets blamed probably not by my parents cause they are in like denial but by others.

    I guess I will just have to see what the psychiatrist thinks.

  17. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I am very proud of you for taking this step.

    He is allready hurting you, imo the hurt never stopped.. you were never given permission to be ok about yourself, and you were blamed for many of this.. that is hurt

    You are deserving of joy and living guilt free, it is a hard road to be on, but one that can surely be walked.

    I am nervous with you. Be encouraged.
  18. Gem_Gem

    Gem_Gem Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your support.

    I gave it to her but not until the end of the appointment. So no doubt I will hear from her soon.

    I did mention that My abusive uncle was moving back in before I gave it to her and I now have to see a counsellor every day to ensure I am safe and a check up and yeah.

    But I guess she will understand more once she reads what I gave her.

  19. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I'm proud that you took the step. :)
  20. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    That is awesome, you have done the right thing.

    I am glad that you have daily access to a counsellor.
    Opening up can be very difficult especially for those whom's trust has been betrayed.

    Your strength builds, your path into adulthood can be a wonderful journey.
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