My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shaun0810, Mar 13, 2010.

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  1. Shaun0810

    Shaun0810 New Member

    As others have said in their posts, this will be long, so I really would appreciate it if you took the time to read it and I thank you for doing so (even if you didn't read it, I still thank you).

    I'll start from the beginning. My depression started way back in early 2007, when I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. After the usual winter break, at the start of the new semester, I got my schedule for classes. One of those classes was obviously science, and it will be a class I'll never forget. The first day, I walked in, and the teacher assigned me to my seat. Then, only a few moments later, the defining moment of my life unfolded. A girl whom I instantly fell in love with walked into the classroom. She was beautiful, and I would soon find out she was smart and funny too. Her name was Melanie. She was just stunning, the type of girl that guys fight over. I wanted so much to tell her I liked her, even though I've NEVER had a girlfriend before.

    However, at the same time, I was extremely low in confidence and self-esteem, mostly because I got teased everyday about my weight and my behemoth nose. I began cutting classes, not to go have fun somewhere, but to get away from it all, and I even started putting up big fights with my mother in the mornings because I didn't want to go. I must have only gone through a full day of school 2 or 3 times a month, and when I did go the whole day, it was like I was starting all over. The boys and girls I once called "friends" were all getting 80s and 90s, and their attitude towards me changed, as if they no longer wanted to be "friends". Because of all this, I kept my feelings about Melanie to myself, as I was too much of a coward to tell her. And even if I did, I figured there was no way in hell she was going to go out with fat, ugly me.

    So I said 'the hell with it'. Around May 2007, I sat my parents down one day, and told them I wanted to make a big change in my life. I wanted to change my appearance. And after a long talk, they decided to let me do just that. My father even said he would let me leave school for a little while, only if I focused solely on my objective, which I did. I spent every single night running 30 minutes on a treadmill and began lifting weights. I used to have very short hair, but I decided to grow it out like a rockstar. I was 230lbs when I started and I was 170lbs when I finished (which is still my weight now). I thought all my friends would be shocked at the change I made, and I would be confident enough to tell Melanie what I thought of her.

    But I was actually way too naive. When I told my parents of my intentions, I was naive enough to believe it wouldn't take me too long to change. 3-4 months, tops, and I'd be back in school like I never even left. But in reality, it took me 2 years; because I didn't go on any diet, it took me a lot longer to lose weight.

    So, by 2009, I had missed 2 years of school, and I haven't gone back since. I'm a drop-out. All of my "friends" are now either H.S. graduates with jobs or in college, while I'm just sitting here thinking about what could've been. And Melanie...she's the main reason I'm so depressed and want to commit suicide. Not her herself, but because of my 'unfinished business', if you want to call it that.

    I soon realized she was also "gone". She graduated. Moved on. But I still have the same feelings for her as the day I met her. And that's when things went from depressive to suicidal. As the months passed, I began thinking more and more about her. I searched for her online, and found her on MySpace. I added her as a friend, and hoped to rekindle some kind of friendship. But then I found out she had a boyfriend, and it all spiraled out of control. I wanted to tell her how I felt very badly, but I didn't want to interfere in her current relationship, as I wouldn't want any other guy to do the same to me. So I thought I would take it slow. But again I was naive enough to think she would remember me as easily as I do her. I asked if she did remember who I was, but got no reply. Months later, I asked again, still no reply.

    So now I'm deeply depressed. My passion is at the point of obsession/infatuation. I can't concentrate on ANYTHING without thinking about her. Day in, day out, it makes me cry so hard, knowing if I would've opened my mouth in school, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation. It makes me cry knowing she calls some other guy "her hubby". It makes me cry knowing that guy does all the things with her that I want to do, such as going out, kissing, hugging, etc. It makes me cry knowing that, being the loser that I am, I stand no chance with her, and will most likely never get the privilege of being with her. In fact, the pain is sometimes so unbearable that I cut my wrists with a dull knife. I have even, at times, opened my bedroom window and seriously contemplated jumping.

    I know all of that might make me sound creepy, like a stalker or something, but I know what I'm doing. I'm not crazy, and I wouldn't dare hurt anyone (but myself). I've told my parents a portion of what I've said here, and they just keep throwing the "move on" speech at me, which I detest. I know they don't know what else to say, but I can't just move on. Some people can, but I can't. I've been wanting to commit suicide for about a year and a half now, and I keep telling myself I will do it. But I never do because I need to know. I just need to know. Who knows, maybe if she ended her current relationship, and gave me a chance, I would actually see she isn't the girl for me, and would THEN be able to move on. But I can't now. I just can't. I wanted to tell her 3 years ago, and I feel I have to tell her now since the feelings of affection towards her has not only remained the same, but intensified.

    There is some more to my story, but at this point, I've said enough and have probably bored you long before the ending. So, I apologize for the length of this post...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2010
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Shaun,
    Hang in there bud..You are going thru life changes at the moment.. Why don't you go back and get your GED.. Then you can go to JR. COLLEGE..Your story doesn't have to end here..There are several options for you..You just need to pick a positive path..As far as Melonie goes you probably should look past her.. I'm sure there is a woman out there for you..I know you have your heart set on her but it just isn't going to happen..Maybe you need to see a therapist to talk all this over with.. They can be very insightfull..I wish you luck and think about what I said about the schooling..Take care!!
     
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