My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JMFS, Jul 27, 2010.

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  1. JMFS

    JMFS New Member

    My name is Jaye and I live in St. Louis, Missouri.

    Back in November, my girlfriend of 2 years hung herself....on my birthday. 2 days later, my nephew hung himself. I found my girl, my immortal beloved, dead in a tree behind our apartment. In the weeks and months following, I found my mother in the floor from an overdose attempt at suicide, and I've lost 2 other people close to me from suicides.

    Since then I have suffered an immeasurable amount of grief, guilt, and have been on a downward spiral with respect to my life that seems to be taking no turns for the better.

    I think of her every single day. Every day I think of the letter she left blaming me and only me for her action. I have been depressed, and sad, and my capacity to be self-sufficient has dwindled to the point of virtual non-existence. I have lost my job, have pushed every friend I've ever had away, and have isolated myself from the rest of the world to the point where I doubt I'll ever be an active participant in society again.

    On July 4th, the pain and hurt and guilt became so much for me to deal with that I, too, made an attempt to hang myself.

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: methods>

    What a horrible way to go. I now know what they felt in their last moments and since then, I only feel guiltier, and sadder.

    I don't want to die. I will say that. Simultaneously, however, I don't want to hurt anymore.

    Please note, I haven't spoken of these feelings to anyone. I am a man. My thoughts are that, as a man, I don't talk about my feelings. I don't share with strangers what I've been going through. I punch you in the face and go eat a steak. That's what men do. But what I've been doing obviously hasn't worked. I refuse to seek clinical treatment. I refuse to be medicated. I am a strong believer in the power of self-healing and I have to believe that there is something I can do to ease my suffering that doesn't involve some quack doctor or a bottle of prescription meds that will accomplish nothing other than turning me into a lethargic, shell of my former self. I want to be dependable, reliable, and stand on my own two feet without the burden of these thoughts eating away at me every hour, of every day. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for the last time and have the capacity to move on with my life.

    I pray that no one ever has to go through what I've gone through. I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone. Mostly, though, I just want to be myself again.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2010
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Jaye, I am so sorry for your tragic losses. I can't imagine what you are going through. I don't know what I can say to make you feel better, but I am sending this post to you with the hope that this can make you feel someone cares and is thinking of you. I know that there are many here who care, so I hope that you stick around on this forum, and get some support here.

    Here are some ways I hope that might help you without you seeking a doctor or getting on medication. Though I personally think at times those things are necessary to save a life. And that, there is no shame in that.
    our kidneys break down, our heart breaks down, we can get diabetes. Also life can break us, no matter how strong we are, and at those times we need intervention. We are only human.

    Ways to help without seeing doctor or getting a prescription:

    Go get counseling from your priest, minister or rabbi.

    Join a grief support group in your church or community.

    Exercise everyday, and take walks in nature.

    Keep occupied, so depression does not get inside you and paralyze you.

    Just as important, rest and get enough sleep, so you can heal.

    Give yourself a certain amount of time to grieve everyday, whatever is comfortable for you, like an hour or so, then carry on with your life.

    Self-help books that deal with grieving.

    Forcing yourself to go out with friends, even when you don't feel like it.

    Volunteer work to get the focus off your pain.

    Eat a well balanced diet.

    Give yourself something to look forward to every day, like renting a movie.

    Reading a good book, it will help your mind escape your pain.

    Call someone who is sympathetic with your situation, and talk about what you guys are feeling.

    And don't forget, prayers.

    This is not your fault. Your girlfriend decided to take her own life. It was totally her decision. You are not to blame for her actions.

    The pain will lessen. In time, you will move on. I know that is hard to believe right now, but time can do that.
    So cry your eyes out if you have to, but keep going, the sun will come out again.
    You'll be in my prayers.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow I am sorry to hear so many people who are close to you have done this. Even worse you were blamed for actions of another. All I can say is I am sorry.

    I think you needs to talk about your feelings more openly. Drop the man act friend we all have emotions and feelings. We all need to feel safe and warm. Sometimes we cannot do things on our own either.

    I think you blame yourself for all of these incidents. Let me ask you this. About your girlfriend, did she ever tell you that you were causing her pain? Did she ever make anything like that known before she went? You are not responsible for this. Yes it hurts, yes it sucks, however, it is not your fault.

    There are lots of ways to heal. Maybe go out and meet a new female? Maybe go ffor a run. Working out always makes me feel better. Above all else realize this is not your fault.
  4. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I'm really sorry for you, I have no idea what you must be going through.
    I'm afraid I can't offer you any great advice, only my sympathy.

    Just remember that it wasn't your fault, you cannot take responsibility for someone elses suicide.
  5. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    I also wish to express my regrets that this has happened to you.
    It remains the hardest thing to deal with in life, and to involve your partner is something all the more distressing.
    If she blamed you for her decision, she was wrong. I don't want to appear callous or uncaring (it upsets me hearing of any loss), but whatever you do don't believe a person can cause another persons death by suicide. The fact you feel bad after the event is proof you are not a horrible person, and you are not culpable.

    I respect you for your desire to continue living, and it takes courage to discuss your problems and feelings. I hope you'll continue if you ever feel hurt or in pain, know that you're not alone, if you need anything let me know!
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Jaye. I'm so sorry to hear about all of the loved ones that you have lost to suicide. I can't imagine the kind of pain that you must be going through. Suicide is so awful, because the loved ones left behind are so heartbroken that sometimes, they too turn to suicide to end their suffering. It's ok to get help when you're suffering. It doesn't make you any less of a man to admit that you need help. Please don't give up. :hug:
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Youve been through so much. Im deeply sorry. I m praying for you and your loved ones. Try to make your life a monument to them. NEVER hurt yourself PLEASE. You need to be on therapy and maybe meds and friends. WE will provide the friends!!!! Sending love and hoep to you!!!!

    Write me,

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