Hello, My name is Jaye and I live in St. Louis, Missouri. Back in November, my girlfriend of 2 years hung herself....on my birthday. 2 days later, my nephew hung himself. I found my girl, my immortal beloved, dead in a tree behind our apartment. In the weeks and months following, I found my mother in the floor from an overdose attempt at suicide, and I've lost 2 other people close to me from suicides. Since then I have suffered an immeasurable amount of grief, guilt, and have been on a downward spiral with respect to my life that seems to be taking no turns for the better. I think of her every single day. Every day I think of the letter she left blaming me and only me for her action. I have been depressed, and sad, and my capacity to be self-sufficient has dwindled to the point of virtual non-existence. I have lost my job, have pushed every friend I've ever had away, and have isolated myself from the rest of the world to the point where I doubt I'll ever be an active participant in society again. On July 4th, the pain and hurt and guilt became so much for me to deal with that I, too, made an attempt to hang myself. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: methods> What a horrible way to go. I now know what they felt in their last moments and since then, I only feel guiltier, and sadder. I don't want to die. I will say that. Simultaneously, however, I don't want to hurt anymore. Please note, I haven't spoken of these feelings to anyone. I am a man. My thoughts are that, as a man, I don't talk about my feelings. I don't share with strangers what I've been going through. I punch you in the face and go eat a steak. That's what men do. But what I've been doing obviously hasn't worked. I refuse to seek clinical treatment. I refuse to be medicated. I am a strong believer in the power of self-healing and I have to believe that there is something I can do to ease my suffering that doesn't involve some quack doctor or a bottle of prescription meds that will accomplish nothing other than turning me into a lethargic, shell of my former self. I want to be dependable, reliable, and stand on my own two feet without the burden of these thoughts eating away at me every hour, of every day. I want to tell her that I'm sorry for the last time and have the capacity to move on with my life. I pray that no one ever has to go through what I've gone through. I wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone. Mostly, though, I just want to be myself again.