My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BeautifulStill, Sep 3, 2010.

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  1. I'm not sure if I'm going to get through to posting this or not...I'm obsessed with thinking my situation through all of the time, but I don't know if I can honestly confront it in words.

    Background info: I was abused though childhood, raped at age 12, father died when I was 14, was in a gay relationship in high school and completely secluded myself because being gay in the Bible Belt isn't the easiest thing to be. Through all of my tough situations in my childhood, I lost my voice. I stopped talking. Then I got out of my mom's house and got a job. I worked with my hands because it didn't require me to talk or be social. Obviously, I lost all relationships with humans except my mom. Fast forward a few years...I married someone I didn't love...well, I loved him, but he didn't love me. His family was going to pay him not to marry me. I felt worthless again. A few years ago, he decided that he didn't want to be with me and we separated for 3 months. I started working in the sex industry. After being almost killed, I realized that I had to get out. I got a job as a janitor and started making my own money, legit. I finished my Associate in Arts degree and enrolled in Nursing School. Hubby and I got back together.

    Current: I'm in my last year of nursing school and I hate it. My social phobia runs my life and I have tested that I might be on the autism spectrum. We don't know this for sure, at all. Things are very hard for me to learn. My body doesn't do what I want it to do and it does things that I don't want it to. I feel so strange. I'm struggling because I work a little part time job and I make very little money. My husband is very well off. He has very nice things, and he buys me nice things, but I feel like a fraud because it isn't technically my money and I feel undeserving of those things. I wonder if we should even be together, not just because of this, but because our relationship is strained...there is zero romance, but this may be my fault...I still feel like I can't trust him and like he doesn't really like me, even though I know he loves me (if that makes sense), I feel very unattractive which I attribute to my body looking different than it used to. I have an eating disorder and my weight has been everywhere from obese to underweight...I just feel awful.

    So, I guess I wrote this to get it all out in print and maybe to get some advice or just a positive vibe or two. Thank you for reading...I'm sorry if there are typos, but I can't re-read this right now because I'll start deleting and this was a sort of stream of consciousness exercise, if you will...
  2. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    Very sad things happened to you. Some scars might never fully heal. But those feelings won't always hurt as much with time. Try to talk about it. Be it here it with a professional therapist. Hope you find the strength to do what you need to do to get better :)
  3. Thank you...I am thinking about maybe giving therapy another try. I went to therapy from ages 12-19 and it was wonderful. Then my therapist moved and I didn't go see anyone else for about a year or two and then I decided I wanted to tackle my eating disorder. Somehow I happened upon a terrible "therapist" that did more harm that I'm nervous about trying therapy again. I know the positive experiences I had in therapy outweigh the negative, but when it turned harmful, it was truly devestating.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You should get back in therapy..It helped you before.. Just see one, you don't have to open completely up until you feel comfortable.. If that one doesn't work then go see another one..It took me three before I met Gina..MY opinion is that women make better therapists..I saw a male and couldn't talk to him..I hope your marriage works out.. Have you sat down with your husband and talked to him about your fears?? I wish you the best....
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