My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Taga123, Oct 13, 2010.

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  1. Taga123

    Taga123 New Member

    Hello.

    I guess I find it easier typing on here than speaking face to face with people. Actually that's not true I don't have anyone to talk to, no support structure, no friends and my doctor looks at his clock when you near the 10 minute maximum appointment time.

    I took an overdose a couple of months ago because of, well, a lot of things. Things I haven't ever dealt with.

    At age 11 I caught my dad attempting to rape my mum after they separated.
    At age 13 my mum told me her life with me was over as she had met a new man (her husband now).
    At age 17 his brother, a social worker, came back after being out with them to our house and attempted to rape me. I told my mum about this at the time and she promised he would never get back in the house. There was no mention of police involvment. Two days later he was back in the house when I got home.

    I tried to keep a relationship with my father but he slowly but surely stopped returning my calls and stopped asking me to visit. The last time I went to visit him he decided to not be in but be out drinking without letting me know. And it was a 3 hour trip to get there.

    I've cheated on every single partner I've ever had. Not for thrills but, I now believe, because I was looking for someone, anyone, as many as possible to love me. Basically I've lied my whole life and done so much damage along the way.

    I cant go back to the job I love because I've been off now for 6 months for depression after I raised a grievance against them and they've just lied and concocted a rubbish response.

    I'm on my third doctor, and my third counsellor so there's no continuity.

    No-one cares. Honestly, there's such a stigma attached to feeling like this that I get the distinct impression normal people feel like feeling suicidal is contagious.

    I have zero friends. Not one so-called friend has been in touch since I've been off. I have no family really. When my mum and dad got divorced his side of the family divorced me and my sister too. They also cheated us out of our inheritance. My sister doesn't want to know me. I have no prospects, no motivation, no future. I'm too much of a coward to even try and get past all these things. It's too much. Who's going to want to give me a new job after hearing I've been off for 6 months for depression!? no-one.

    A friend of mine killed himself just over a year ago. I'd known him all his life. On his mums death bed she made me promise that I would protect him.

    I just keep falling apart again and again and again. I know I'm a coward and a cheat and useless so really why should it be a waste if i go? Please tell me because I dont know!

    I'm just tired of feeling alone. I'm so very lonely. Tired of feeling guilty and ashamed. I'm tired of feeling tired.
     
  2. Khloe

    Khloe Well-Known Member


    Hello

    Thank you for sharing your story.
    It made me emotional reading it, because alot of what you've been through, is what i have been through too. So i can kind of relate to how you must feel.

    I'm from the UK, i'm 20 and female.
    if you ever feel like you want a chat, please please pm me.
    I'm on msn too :) and im more than happy to listen to you.

    Everyone on here is great and all pretty much in the same boat hun!

    xxxx
     
  3. fallingangie

    fallingangie Well-Known Member

    Hey... We all are going through shit in life.. i cant even accept the stuffs that happened to me and i know its never going to change. But hey.. we are still alive right? why? must be a reason for living... you know theres a saying "The fools who laugh on earth will be left to mourn in hell."

    The ones who messed you up will definitely suffer some point in future.. and as for you.. just hold on... things might turn out to get better in future.. but for that you need patience and faith in yourself. I know it aint easy.. but that is what iv been trying to do... lets give it a try atleast and see what happens to both of us in the end :)

    God bless and cheers!
     
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