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My story

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Prophet, Nov 8, 2010.

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  1. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Well, here goes. This post may contain elements some people find upsetting. My name is Prophet, I'm 25 years old.

    The first elements of depression occurred to me when I was in high school, around 15/16. That's when I first realised I have no regard for my own life. I always hated school, I wasn't bullied, I had friends, I just hated the place, the teachers, the system. I have an older family, so I've been around adults most of my life, so I always had a massive problem with the way teachers talk down to you. In my reports there was always praise from the good teachers about my level of communication, nothing like the 16yr olds around me.

    They talked down to me and I hated them for it, I was always told if you didn't like something, don't do it, walk away, I took that literally and basically went to school on my own terms, couple days a week, lots of absences. Then I took it further, I didn't like life, so I tried to stop it, I took an overdose of some pills, my dad had a physical disability (motorbike crash) so there was always lots of meds around.

    I took a load of pills and went to bed, woke up the next day. Guess I fucked it up. I was ill for a couple of days but I was still alive. I told no one about this, as far as I was concerned, it was my choice. I didn't see anything wrong with it, we're born with free will, why shouldn't we be able to check out whenever we want.

    I put the feelings away and coasted out of school with enough GCSEs to get into college. Best years of my life, met some friends I'm still with some, met some teachers I still know now. Turns out you can't put feelings away, I still held no value to my life. I got into drugs of all kinds, up to and including class A. I got myself off the hard drugs, still smoked some weed socially and came out of college when I was 18 with a couple of tatty IT qualifications. I had the knowledge and intelligence to do much more but I didn't care, I can build PCs, I can design websites to a high level but I don't care.

    I got the name Prophet given to me in college after I was attacked and I was set on fire, you read that right, set on fire. However, I put myself out and I had no injuries, no burns, no scars. My druggy friends said something along the lines of "you're like some sort of bible person man, a Prophet!". It stuck.

    My body's will to live stayed stronger than mine too, I've been set of fire, stabbed, run over and caught in a gas explosion. All apart from the stabbing left me with no injuries. No will to live, not allowed to die.

    I messed around for a year or so after college, odd jobs, sex, drugs and rock n roll. Then I got a job in a casino, croupier, dealing the games. The hours were insane but it was amazing, good people, good work, I'd lost about 40 pounds and I was happy. I started to save up to go on some travels plans that had been in my head for years, always wanted to travel. Finally happy, I'd made it out the other happy, will to live, body to live in.

    Everything was going great until July 2005. I was on a night out with a few friends for a birthday, I slipped on some wet grass and I fell at just the right angle to permanently damage my spine. Everything I've been through and I got taken down my some wet grass. Over the next couple of years I experienced the NHS, months of waiting for scans and eventually surgery. Over those years, I made several attempts on my life and spent one night cutting into my arms with a knife. Again, I tell no one of these things.

    Skip ahead to 2008. My injury effects me as follows, I can stand up straight and I can walk around, but it's very painful. I have constant leg pain as the spinal injury damaged my sciatic nerve. The government went on an anti benefits rampage and I was kicked off incapacity. I had to find work.

    I took an office job in Jan 2008 and I'm still employed there. I hate every single thing about it. When I first started, it was new and interesting, I made a good group of friends there but I soon realised I'm not cut out for the office life. Talked down to my people barely older than me who passed some mickey mouse school of management and think they are somehow better than me and they can talk down to me. I do my job and I do it well, but I hold no illusion, it's worthless, a monkey could do my job. I can't stand the office ways, the constant meetings, we spend more time talking about our jobs than doing them. Just leave me alone.

    It got too much for me and I lashed out, stopped caring, became enclosed and very blunt with my colleagues, my manager came to tears and took me off to find out what the hell was going on. I cracked, I just broke down I told her I don't want to be there or anywhere else. I was placed on the employee assistance program and given 5 therapy sessions, they were interesting and they were gone. All you get is 5. Then I had to take it up with the NHS.

    I was diagnosed with severe depression and red flagged and a serious danger to myself. I had a few therapy sessions and was placed on anti-depressants, they did nothing. I'd become a shell, just going through the motions, waiting to die. Then it got worse, my dad become ill.

    We thought he'd had a stroke, it was cancer, lung, brain and lymph. I helped him around the house, the brain tumour caused stroke symptoms, he fell a few times, lost mobility. I got him a wheelchair and I took him to Christie's. I divided my time between him and making sure my mum was ok. It was hard, he was and is, the strongest man I've ever known and there I was picking him up off the floor because the paramedics couldn't. He still wouldn't quit smoking, it's hard to wheel your dying father outside a hospital for a cigarette, but I understood, he knew what was coming even if we didn't and at 63, he was ready to go.

    October 7th 2009. My dad had been taken into a hospice for a chest infection. I spent that day with him, then my mum came after getting home from work. He was bad that day, she decided to spend the night so I went home to get something to eat, said I'll see you tomorrow dad. 8:45pm, I got the call from my mum, he's on his way out. I damn near crashed my car driving to that hospice. I was maybe a minute too late. He was gone.

    After that I lost a few other family members and my cat over the next year or so. It's just me and my mum now, she's not much better off than me mentally or physically, she told me about around our first Christmas without my dad and she was going to just go out in the snow and sit down. I've been up and down, ignoring work's bullshit and just doing my job and going home, trying to lose weight, I went to the gym and I took up martial arts. I study a system of Shaolin Kung Fu. I guess I pushed too hard.

    A few weeks ago my back went out, the regular right leg pain I've had for 5 years is now left leg pain and pins and needles. GP has sent off for another MRI scan and I maybe looking at surgery again, it might as well be 2005. I don't think I can go through it all again.

    All I think about now is suicide, I'm signed off work by the doc, in my head all the time are images of my own death, I can't sleep, I just go over it again and again. A few days ago I started cutting into my arm again, no one knows about that, I hide the wounds. I saw this forum while searching about self harm as I don't really know why I'm doing it. I figured I'd post my story, see what happens.

    It's a raw deal and I don't see why I should have to put up with it. I have a duty of care to no one, my friends and family will get by without me. Why shouldn't I be able to go, I fucked up my life and I want out.

    If life is a gift, I'll take a store credit. If life is precious, what will you give me for it?

    I know this is long and I thank anyone who took the time to read.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Prophet i read it and i am sorry your dad suffered so and i am sorry you are still suffering. Life can very hard fo r some yet as you say there are times when it is peacful joyful even.
    Your family can take care of themselves yes physically but if you left they would have a HELL of a time emotionally. Suicide does not just kill one it kills eveyone involved but unless you have suffered like this you won't understand

    i can't explain the deep pain one feels and we do forget move on as you say
    Your life not what you want it to be time to change it then Start looking for new employment, move join different things change up is good sometimes

    i hope you are getting help for your depression meds therapy keeps you focused on what is real

    Glad your here and hope you continue to post and reach out for support
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    prophet I read all that :sad: and i'm sorry for your loss and all you've been through...
    you sound like a very strong person to survive what you have but I can hear your pain
    I hope you'll keep on fighting...
    having the op may be a positive - it may reduce your pain and give you a new lease on life....new procedures are being invented every day.
    there are new anti depressants coming out all the time..I hope you keep trying till you find one that works for you...

    I lost a child to suicide and 'life' is now a living hell...I want to be with him but don't have the courage to go...
    I don't want any other parent to go through this..it's the most horrific thing ..there is no word to explain the pain it causes..
    I'm not trying to make you feel bad ..I want you to see that your Mum needs you...
    we're here for you..
    please stay safe...:hugtackles:
  4. bleanne

    bleanne Member

  5. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies.

    I'm not currently under the care of any therapist, nor am I on a waiting list for one. One of the meds I'm currently on is licensed as an anti-depressant but I'm taking it for nerve pain. So I'm not really on anti-depressants specifically.

    I don't mind really, I don't see a problem with it. I'm hanging on for the moment for my mum as I do know it would destroy her, my grip is loose at best but I'm hanging on. I hold no illusion though, when she goes, I go. It's just a matter of time.

    The changing my job point I'm looking into but it's very hard, the current job market is terrible and you have to sell yourself to get a job and I just don't care about these companies and their goals. I just want to be able to do my job and go home without all the added bullshit "drive the company forward" blah blah fuck off.

    The only thing that's confusing me is the self harm. I can't understand why I'm cutting into my arms, it hurts, it bleeds everywhere. What the hell am I doing?
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your are in pain sh is used to stop inner pain that is happen i really think youwould benefit from some therapy maybe even ask you doctor to put you on a antidepressant med that is stronger newer ones work great and stay on the one for your nerve pain as well. i understand i would keep your job definetly until you find a better one Get help for you okay so you don't sh anymore.
  7. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    I don't want any more meds if I can help it, due to my back problems, I'm on so many meds that I damn near rattle when I walk.

    I understand I should probably talk to someone about my cutting but I don't really want to talk about it with people, I don't understand it, maybe I should just show them my arms and sit quietly.

    Thanks for your support Violet.
  8. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    A spine injury ruined my life as well... what's your injury level? About 6 months ago I fell 30 feet off a roof onto concrete fracturing L4-S2. The following months have disillusioned me to any potential happiness in the future.. other than being emotionally/mentally scarred from that accident and my time spent in the hospital, my right leg has gone retarded, my back aches, i have tingling/numbness throughout my entire groin/anal area, urinary retention, and e.d.. my pelvis area and the organs within are virtually ruined and im miserable. Goodbye sex, goodbye chance at a family or a normal life. I have no motivation to continue with my prior goals... none.

    So yea I know what you're going through. Some problems just arent temporary and are even expected to worsen with time. I just want to press a fast forward button on my life so i could die naturally right away and with a little more grace but thats impossible. i dont see torturing myself by living this way for another 40 years so suicide is looking like a very real solution.
  9. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Hi Jimmy,

    I damaged the discs at L4/L5. I had part of a disc removed and the nerve area made larger to ease the pressure on it. This allowed me to stand up straight and improved my mobility alot.

    The best way to explain it is a bad case of sciatica that lasts 5 years. Now it's moved from my right leg so my left leg. I have always pain at the top of my leg and pins and needles from my knee down to my foot. This is like you said, perm. and will worsen over time, I was told my back is 10 years my senior. I also have arthritis in those discs.

    I'm not suffering physically as badly as yourself but I feel the same way. If I was a dog, they'd put me down. I'm not going to make any great contribution to humanity, I don't see why I can't just flick my off switch.

    I'm here for my mum, I don't want to be here at all. I will end my life eventually, I should probably stop carving my arms up in the mean time. I'm confused, tired and broken.
  10. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Hello Prophet,

    I have just read your story and posts and im deeply sadened. Im extremely sorry that you have been through some of the things that you have.

    Firstly i have sciatica and i know how painful it is, i work on my feet for nearly 10 hours a day and sometimes dont know how im going to get through. I only have mine in my right leg but for now that is enough. I hate it.

    Secondly im so sorry to hear about your father. He sounds like a very passionate, strong willed man! I dont blame him not wanting to stop smoking, you only live once and he lived his final days doing what he wanted. You really do need to be on this earth for your mum. She has already lost her husband imagine if she lost her son as well. Please try to stay strong for her now, she nees you.

    Thirdly, i hate office workers, im with you on that one. (hope i dont offended anyone on here) by saying that! there are alot of office workers where i work and they are so stuck up themselves and rude. I want to smack them. Have you thought about trying to get back into the computer aspect of work? Especially if that is what your good at best?

    Im glad you have joined us here at SF.. there are alot of caring genuine people here, keep posting and i hope things start getting better for you..

    Emma. x
  11. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    P.s please try to stop cutting yourself, you will cause so much pain for yourselve, i defintely recommend you tell somebody. x
  12. Nox Immortalis

    Nox Immortalis Well-Known Member

    okay, Prophet. here goes nothing. I'm only on SF for the friends I've made here. I'm looking for a pro-choice forum. All the "stay okay" comments got annoying after a while, and I didn't want to be okay. I wanted to be dead. Wish I could tell you things were gonna get better, but I can't guarantee that. All you can do is show the world it can't screw you like that, be the strong one who can get through anything. They talk down to you? Hell, show em what you have. hang in there babe:)
  13. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Hi Emma, thanks for reading and posting.

    I don't know how the hell you manage that. I can't stand up for more than about 30 mins without intense pain. Like fall down pain. You're a superstar.

    Thank and yeah he was. Like I said, the strongest man I've ever known and probably ever will know. He didn't care what anyone thought of him and he could take on anything. He was my dad.

    I am trying to stick around for my mum but it's damn hard.

    As far as my job, I'm actually studying Games Design, if I pass at the end I'll have a Diploma, I see it more of a knowledge base though, it would be my portfolio that gets me work. It's all kinda slipping away now, I find it hard to get motivated to design.

    I'll try to keep posting like you say and stick around. I'm still working on the self harming. It doesn't cause me much pain really, I'm already in more.
  14. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Prophet...I also know chronic pain first hand (chronic neuropathology and in a wheelchair since July which is the last time I walked) , and found that pain management is a crap shoot, but worth seeking someone who does know what s/he is doing...your love and admiration for your dad is something I am sure he felt and that you continue to feel so close to your mom is such a wonderful trait (I would say my parents were primates but I do not want to insult primates)...please know we are here to support you and also know there are ppl here who truly care...welcome and so glad you found us, big hugs, J
  15. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the post and the honesty foreverlost01.

    The world didn't screw me, it's nobody's fault but mine. I made the mistakes and I pissed my life up the wall, I'm done trying to sort it out. Fucking done.

    My friends all think I'm so strong and they always tell me good things and all that crap. Some even say I have white knight syndrome because I saved their lives a couple of times. They don't know how broken I am, it's all a front. I don't want any of it.

    My arm stings.
  16. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Ah so many replies, I mean this in a good way.

    Thanks for reading and thanks for the post J. I'm sorry to hear of your pain.

    Yeah I am close with my mum, I'd die for her in a second, sucks really. I'm stuck on this planet.
  17. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Showed my arms to my mum. Bad idea, bad bad idea.
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    what happened prophet? is she supportive?
  19. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    She got very upset. She doesn't know what to do and I know she feels she's failed as a mother.

    Should of kept it to my fucking self. A mistake I won't make again.
  20. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    hey there..
    ive read what you put up, as promised... took me a little exploring but yeah, im here.. must say.. im just wondering here how strong you are, you really really are... youve had a terrible time lived through such less years... but im just, awed, really i am.... youre an incredibly brave man Prophet... all this would have cracked an broken a lesser a long while ago..
    you are a brave man.. a strong man.. and you need to be here.. its not just for your mum prophet.. its for you as well.. stay here. stay strong..
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