My story

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Prophet

Well-Known Member
#41
I'm still hanging on for her. It seem thought because I cant kill myself, I dont get to be free, I've taken to harming myself instead.
 

flowers

Senior Member
#42
hi Prophet
I read your whole story. you are extremely articulate. I am sorry for all this pain. For the accident, passing of your father and your mum not being able to emotionally cope. My dad died whe30 years ago. It took a long time for me to deal with his passing. Partly because I felt he was the only person I could turn to. But he was quite ill for years prior to his passing. I still miss him 30 years later.

I hope that somehow there will be a light that comes into your life that can make it feel worth living. I hope that somehow there can be help for the physical pain.

I saw an interview with Marie Osmond who spent an hour talking about her son who committed suicide earlier this year. The base intense agony she was in, felt so excruciating to me that It took a long time for me to even normalize my body after watching. I wish I had an answer. If I did, I would follow it myself. And I know you were not looking for answers anyway.

I hope you will keep coming here. this is the only place where I can write and not be afraid of reprecussions for being so honest in what i say.
Finally, I love what you wrote at the end, . " If life is a gift, I'll take a store credit." Thank you for that !!!!!
 

Prophet

Well-Known Member
#44
Thanks for the kind words flowers. You're welcome for the phrase, that's a Prophet original.

I got the date for my MRI scan today, the events of 2005 begin again, I don't know if I can do it all again.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
 

flowers

Senior Member
#45
Prophet, brilliant what you wrote. I hope it becomes your mantra during this time of the dx etc. Sometimes things are different the second time around. I am someone who is plagued with intense fear. So its easy for me to say that I hope it becomes your mantra. But I do.
 

Prophet

Well-Known Member
#46
I won't be needing it my friend. I fear no man, I could walk the halls of hell itself to save a friend or family member and come out the other side but I cannot save myself.
 

Prophet

Well-Known Member
#48
I know me too well, I want to die and I don't want to stop it. It's just a matter of time, one day when I don't have a care of duty to my mum, I'll be free.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#49
i u nderstand that thought process i say that alot myself when i am no longer a carer then i can have peace I too so badly want to go but there willalways be ones that i will cause so much pain to if i leave. You need to know that if it not your mom it will be another you will hurt greatly You are not that kind of person who would knowingly cause somuch sadness to another .. Get help for your depression and stop the torment now okay just do it There is no need to live with the sadness I too am trying so hard to get help because i know down deep taking you life will only pass the pain on I will live with the pain and not pass it on it stops with me.
 

loopy

Well-Known Member
#50
Just read your origional post prophet. Youve had it really hard!
Havent got anything constructive to say whatso ever but just wanted to aknowledge what you have been going through!

You have my admiration for being this strong for so long xx
 

yursomedicated

Chat & Forum Buddy
#51
Prophet,

Your story is one that no one should have to deal with. The best things that I can tell you is that you need to get back to working, and somewhere that you will enjoy going to everyday. Go to therapy and keep up with the martial arts. How do you do the work outs with your back?

Anyway, you're young. Go out and have fun. Make some memories that will last you forever. I'm 18, I've been depressed since I've been 7. I'm finally happy and enjoying life. If I can do it, I know you can.

Ronnie.
 

Prophet

Well-Known Member
#52
i u nderstand that thought process i say that alot myself when i am no longer a carer then i can have peace I too so badly want to go but there willalways be ones that i will cause so much pain to if i leave. You need to know that if it not your mom it will be another you will hurt greatly You are not that kind of person who would knowingly cause somuch sadness to another .. Get help for your depression and stop the torment now okay just do it There is no need to live with the sadness I too am trying so hard to get help because i know down deep taking you life will only pass the pain on I will live with the pain and not pass it on it stops with me.
I can't be held responsible for the state of mind of everyone I know. That's too much. I'm mortal, I'm going to die one day anyway and they'll have to deal with this one way or another.

I've made peace with my torment. I take solace knowing one day I'll be free.

Just read your origional post prophet. Youve had it really hard!
Havent got anything constructive to say whatso ever but just wanted to aknowledge what you have been going through!

You have my admiration for being this strong for so long xx
Thank you for your kinds words.


Prophet,

Your story is one that no one should have to deal with. The best things that I can tell you is that you need to get back to working, and somewhere that you will enjoy going to everyday. Go to therapy and keep up with the martial arts. How do you do the work outs with your back?

Anyway, you're young. Go out and have fun. Make some memories that will last you forever. I'm 18, I've been depressed since I've been 7. I'm finally happy and enjoying life. If I can do it, I know you can.

Ronnie.

No, screw work, I want to be left alone. I don't like people any more, I want to be left to do things on my terms. Therapy never worked, I've been under the care of 2 therapists in my time.

I don't do the work outs any more, the pain is too bad now and my mobility is compromised. I'm not interested in going out and having fun, I just want to go.

I'm glad you've come out the other side still standing and I hope you enjoy a long happy life. You're stronger than I ever was.
 

Prophet

Well-Known Member
#53
I got a date for my MRI scan. December 5th. Sunday.

Whatever the results are will depend on if I need spinal surgery again. There's been no improvement and I've had a bad cold the last week which hasn't helped.

I still want to harm myself for some reason and I will kill myself eventually.

I spoke to my cousin, he's a specialist paramedic, like one step off a doctor and pretended it wasn't about me but he mostly likely knew it was. He gave alot of good advice but I don't know, I just don't feel the need to help myself. I have no regard for myself at all.
 

flowers

Senior Member
#54
..... He gave alot of good advice but I don't know, I just don't feel the need to help myself. I have no regard for myself at all....
Yes Prophet, its so hard to break through that resistance of not liking oneself, therefore not helping oneself. I know that first hand. More than one person has said to me " you can help other people so well. Why cant you help yourself?" The answer is that I do not care about myself like I care about them. I think its really hard to be in that position which for me is a vicious cycle. I wish you the very best with the MRI and your back. :pinkrose:
 

LogDork

Senior Member & Antiquities Friend
#57
You probably heard this before, try to find some time to take it easy on yourself. Living life full out out, it's hard to slow down. Your mind needs down time, let problems fall.
Kudos for sticking it out, man.
 

Prophet

Well-Known Member
#58
Sorry flowers, you've been out voted this time. I'm gonna keep this one to myself.

I've had a bad cold for a week now and I'm very run down, I need to get rid of it then consider my options.

Thanks for your help LogDork, it makes sense.
 

flowers

Senior Member
#60
Prophet, I do hope that you will not cause harm to yourself. I honestly am sorry for all the physical pain you are in. But still I hope you will stay with us.
 
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