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My story!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Absum, Nov 9, 2010.

  1. Absum

    Absum Member

    Huge wall of text incoming.

    I joined this forum last week after crashing unusually hard. I slept next to nothing last week and got to the point where i was starting to hallucinate. At that point my thoughts was spiraling downwards and I couldnt see any other way out but to end it all.

    That was when I found this forum. Since then I have contemplated if I should share my thoughts here.

    I am on nightshift duty this week and after getting back from work this morning I went to bed. I woke up after two hours having endured a nightmare.

    I tried to fall asleep again but with no luck. I knew as soon as i woke up there wouldnt be anymore sleep today. So I sat down by the computer and started reading other peoples stories here.

    I got so overwhelmed that i started to cry uncontrollably. There are so many people in need of help. The sad part is that it seems that often what people need is a shoulder to cry on and somebody to simply listen. I wish so deeply I could be there for people on this forum.

    At that point I decided to share a part of my life. And I actually have a guilty conscience for doing so. Since there are so many other people in dire need. But.. having adapted a pirates motto.. 'Sharing is caring' I will do so anyway.

    I'm 27 years of age and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder some years ago. I started on meds but quit a while after. I never had confidence in the doctor I was seing so I simply quit going to the sessions.

    I have since then backtraced the years of my life and I remember signs of the disorder at an age of approximately 14. I lived about 10 years in confusion about myself and how I functioned.

    I have always been the clown in my family. Always making people enjoy themselves and making them laugh. Always ready with a witty comment. Somehow that was so much easier then not taking that role. I never wanted anybody else to make those witty comments and acts of humour. Never wanting to expose myself for not laughing and not enjoying myself.

    The fact of the matter was that I wasnt that person at all. I didnt enjoy life. It was just a role I took on because I couldnt understand the damp and destructive emotions and thoughts I had. And I was afraid of letting anybody else know of them.

    Now, at the age of 27 and knowing of the disorder so many things makes sense. I have done so many things not knowing the motives and beat myself up because of lack of understanding of myself. I have hurt so many close friends around me just because I couldnt explain what was going on inside me.

    I have hurt and pushed away the only person who truly was willing to accept and love me for the person I am, with all my faults.

    So I have punished myself for this. Letting the feeling of regret dominate my life and isolating myself. I dont know how much longer I can bear this burden.

    I am terrified of opening myself up to other people. Even my family. I have two persons in my life that know to a certain extent of what I am going through. There is nobody who I can fully share my feelings and thoughts with. (except you fabulous lot of people :) )

    It's a heavy burden to bear. Not being able to share you true self with the people around you. Even heavier when you have pushed away so many people that did care in the first place.

    I'm so afraid of letting people in that during the few attempts I have made the past years I have started shaking and gotten severe anxiety. I'm afraid that I have passed some kind of line, I dont know if there is any going back. I'm not sure I will ever be able to open up to the people close to me.

    I also suffer from bulimia and dipsomania. Last summer was particularly difficult. I got intoxicated up to 5 times a week. Often I started out on a good day but at some point of the day my mood changed like the flip of a switch. As soon as I was done at work I rushed to the store and bought myself as much as I needed. Often drinking alot and very fast. Then I ate. Then I puked and finally I passed out. Waking up, ready for another go at it.

    The reason for my excessive drinking is that I have found the end of my rainbow about half an hour before I pass out. By then I'm so intoxicated that I am unable to function. I just sit at my desk staring into nothing. I simply dont think or feel anything. It is so liberating being in that moment.

    I have been living with this pattern of behaviour for about 8 years. It is more dominant during the periods of time when I have a hard time sleeping. As soon as I go 3 days with very little sleep the bulimia becomes very dominant. Nobody knows of this. You, whoever decides to read this. You are the first to know of my bulimic problems.

    In real life I am very ashamed of how emotional I am. It stems from a very deep desire to help people in need. I took on that role aswell. Being the go-to guy when in need for a chat. It got me to the brink of destruction.

    I'm not sure I am willing to see my life through. From my experience I am not able to overcome my inability to function. I am afraid that I will continue to lead an extremly imbalanced life. I am afraid of living in solitude for the remaining part of my life. I dont want to live in fear of human interaction. It's simply a burden I cannot and will not bear.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Now that you are older time to take steps to get you well you balance okay
    Go see a different pdoc get on medication it is necessary to keep stable
    Give yourself that chance okay You can feel better with meds new doc and then repair whatever damage you can and move on take care of you now okay