my story.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nimitzhunter, Apr 4, 2011.

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  1. nimitzhunter

    nimitzhunter New Member

    I am an immigrant. All my childhood spent waiting to move to the U.S. I had no friends then because I knew I would have to say goodbye to them. I always have a hard time saying farewell. I came here during the highschool years. They were difficult time to adjust. Luckily, I managed to make some friends the first year. But my parents eventually drove them away. I had spent many summer and breaks alone. I would wake up to an empty house and surfed the internet for endless hours all day. School was a reprieve because I was surrounded by people. I was not sad then because I had hope of leaving someday. However, I could never manage to forsake this feeling of loneliness. I did very well in school. But I refused to study for the SAT. I find studying alone was boring and could not do it. In a sense, I was sabotaging myself. Even with abysmall SAT score, I got into a university and moved away from home. I brought up all kind of reasons to stay away because I could not bare those lonely time at home. Whenever I return home, I would suffer insomnia.

    The summer of my sophomore year, my mother found out she had cancer. I went home to take her to the hospital everyday for radiation therapy. That fall when I returned to school, I hung on with these feeling and buried it deep. It was when I began to smoke. One day during final week, I obtained 3 bottles of wine and drank them alone. I only remembered the beginning and the end of that night. It was a touch with death that I can't forget.

    I managed to finished my degree in three years. Didn't want to return home, I decided to take on a minor. This was when I began to smoke a pack of cigarrete a day. I had a research assistant position. But the job was too boring so I didn't really work at all. Instead, I raked up huge credit card debt in order to support myself. Eventually I returned home, deeply in debt and jobless. It was 2008 when Leahman's Brother bankrupted and the economy was flushed down the toilet. Like many people my age, I returned to school for a master. I never had the intention of finishing the master. My plan all along was to get some financial aid money, stretching out paying for student loan, and find some form of dead end job. Well, I found one. I was offered the position of TA for the college.

    TA is the most fucking retarded position. Everyday, you have to deal with students who have no clue of what's going on. They ask you the mundane questions. You tell them a thounsand times what not to do, and they still do it on the tests; then they ask why they got such low grades. I want to slam the tests down their throats and tell them to fuck-off; but I would lose my job, would I?

    So, I was attending school for free because I had a grand and a teaching position but pays me to be in school. Life was good. Life was going somewhere. One of the opportunity to graduate is completion of a thesis. I had no desire to work on it. I took the classes, they were fun because I had to compete with other students in that class and showed them how much smarter than them I am. But, I keep delaying on choosing a thesis topic. I just chose my advisor and thesis when it was required just so I could keep my job for another year ( this is a 2 year position.)

    The time is up, my job is going to end. It's been almost a year since I first chose my thesis topic, and I still haven't started it. I just copied 27 pages from a book, and showed it to my advisor to create the illusion that I am doing something. I can't find the passion to work on this topic. It is tasteless.
    I think it's about time to end it all. I have no friend every since I return home. I continuing to isolate myself. I have stopped picking up my phone or returning calls for a while.
    Lately, I've been feeling down a lot. I have wasted enough time and sabotaged myself long enough. It's been a long lonely life. It is time to end. it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    no not time to end it time to start it okay time to chose something that will bring you joy. finish the dam thesis at least do that then move on to something that will matter for YOU okay
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