My story.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Davidmike, May 30, 2011.

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  1. Davidmike

    Davidmike New Member

    So where to begin... My father beat me until I was 10 years old, my mother smothered me and chased away all my friends growing up, I'm 29 now and I've been afraid of girls since I was 10. I'm a virgin. I hate my entire family. I have 1 IRL friend and a few online friends. I told them I want to jump off the highest building every day because I hate myself and their response was "So many people have it worse." or "Stop being emo". Treating me like I'm some kind of idiot who doesn't know people have much worse problems. I lost 20 lbs and put on some muscle in the past 6 months. Didn't help my self esteem at all. I eat fairly healthy and still go to the gym, but I find less and less motivation as the days pass. I never really thought being a virgin was such a bad thing until I had a girl online break my heart. She seduced me to boost her own ego and destroyed me mentally and emotionally. Funny thing is I don't even like her anymore, but it's like she broke something in me that I can't seem to repair. I used to not care what anyone thought about me. Now I feel like the most insecure person in the world. My IRL friend convinced me that it's because I'm a virgin and somehow getting laid would cure all my problems. I wanted to believe it so I asked for his help (something very difficult for me) and he said he would, but he hasn't. Deep down I know that won't solve my issue, heck I've got severe intimacy problems anyways. So I'm not even sure I could go through with it if I was put in the situation. My irl friend has at least sort of tried to help. He made me buy nicer clothes, dye my gray hair, and convinced me a waitress liked me who probably didn't. I tried asking for her number, but I did it horribly cause I was so nervous so I'm more inclined to believe I blew it rather than she didn't like me to begin with.

    Anyways my friend says when I lose another 30 lbs and have a great body all this will go away, but I don't see it. I'll still be lonely, socially inept, have no useful skills (nor do I have the motivation to learn some), find no joy in anything, etc, etc. I've considered seeing a doctor, but to be quite honest I think the reason I don't is because I'd rather give up than keep hoping that life will get better "someday". It hurts to say but I don't think I'm strong enough to get over my irrational fear of girls and it hurts even more that I told this to my only friend in real life and he basically shrugged it off as nothing. He'd rather play video games all day and patronize me with "If you killed yourself I'd be miserable" every once in awhile. Like somehow my life purpose should be to stay around and entertain him. Anyways, let me apologize in advance for this last part I know I might come off as an asshole here saying my honest feelings... I know it's a shot in the dark here but I was hoping someone here might have some non cliche words of wisdom for me. The last thing I want to hear is "things will get better" or "your friends will be sad when you're gone" because my counter is "WHEN!?!?!?" and "If I'm dead I won't have feelings so that's not my problem".
  2. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    I wish we could be friends...

    I can't offer advice or words of wisdom, but I just want you to know you aren't alone. But there is also one thing I would like to advise actually. If there is one thing which has helped me get through life, it is exercising. Set a goal for yourself, it usually helps me forget about reality and facts. I truly hope you do ok for yourself. Life is a pain and I feel sorry, just sorry at the way things turn out for people. Would be nice if we lived in a world without despair...
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry that you are going through this

    I think that having the desire to get better is the most critical thing. If you want to get better, there are often ways to do it. I think that we can help and support you, but there is no replacing your own effort

    therapy might help you. there is also something called "sexual surrogacy". I don't know if it is legal everywhere. sexual surrogates help people who are having sexual problems, and I think that this sometimes involves having sex with them. I don't know much more about it than that.

    being a virgin is not such a bad thing. do you want to say what happened with this girl on-line?

    you really don't know for sure what you are getting on-line. It could have been a 50 year old man for all you know. It could be that you talked to some girl who lied about herself, and then said she was dumping you because she chickened out.

    meds or the book below in my signature might help. I hope that you will find a way to get better
  4. Bluewisp

    Bluewisp New Member

    We have several things in common. I'm also 29 and a virgin, somehow scared of girls, lonely, with no social skills. I'm lost me too. So I don't really have an advice for you, other than that you should seek professional help. To know someone that share a similar pain doesn't fix a screwed up life, but I must say that it does some good to not feel like the only one on earth. I hope you feel it too.
  5. erinwascool

    erinwascool New Member

    I'm sorry this is your reality.
    I know the cliches are annoying and don't even scratch the surface of your pain but some of them ring true.

    I doubt sex is what you really need. More than likely a loving relationship would fill that void. Although I understand the pressure being a virgin could bring with it. It might be worth it to just get it over with and then focus on something real.

    Like "Jonathan" said, I wish we could be friends. Someone to talk to and grab a hug from can make a huge difference.

    It will get better, things will change and progress, just hang on. this website is full of people with similar issues and even less answers. You've survived this long, please dont give up.
  6. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    it's unfortunate to hear about the physical and mental abuse you've endured. dont let anything trick you into thinking that if you were more ripped and had a relationship or sex everything will be all better. if you want this, by all means, go for it. however, when you finally have it and you sit back and think, "mann, im fresher than a mutha. i have a hot bod and a hot girlfriend, WHY am i still not happy?" don't feel hopeless!! what you need to do is get treatment for the underlying issues that the abuse has caused. a mental health professional will know the best way. good luck to you and don't give up!
  7. Davidmike

    Davidmike New Member

    Thanks everyone for your replies. Also I don't mind elaborating for you may71. Basically I started playing this video game, this friendly girl started talking to me on ventrilo, then eventually asked me if we could talk on Skype more privately. Me being the emotionally stunted guy I am I didn't think much of it. She just seemed like a nice person and I enjoyed talking to her about her problems and telling her about mine. Then one day she initiated phone sex with me and I didn't want to say no. Afterwards she told me she didn't even like me in that way and said she was drunk. So I kissed her ass for a month and tried to change her mind before finally she snapped because I was too clingy. I also knew she lied to me about the fact that she didn't do that with other guys and she lied to me about several other minor things but I ignored them because I really liked her and thought she might change. We didn't speak for awhile and eventually I talked her into giving me a second chance at being friends while admitting I still hoped for more. Anyways, in the end I found out that her pictures were fake and I finally stopped lying to myself about her lies and came to grips with the fact that she wasn't the nice person she pretended to be and I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I'm well aware of all the mistakes I made and I know I wasn't 100% innocent in the whole situation either, but for me that was the closest thing to a real relationship that I ever had with a girl so I don't really beat myself up too much over it. I just hope I learned enough that if I ever do get the courage to talk to a girl in real life that I won't repeat all the same mistakes.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2011
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that there tends to be an easy come, easy go rule with relationships. People who tend to come on strong also leave quickly. Often people who are aggressive about initiating relationships are selfish

    so I think that there is probably someone out there who would be good for you, you just have to find her.

    I bet that seeing a therapist about this could help a lot
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