So where to begin... My father beat me until I was 10 years old, my mother smothered me and chased away all my friends growing up, I'm 29 now and I've been afraid of girls since I was 10. I'm a virgin. I hate my entire family. I have 1 IRL friend and a few online friends. I told them I want to jump off the highest building every day because I hate myself and their response was "So many people have it worse." or "Stop being emo". Treating me like I'm some kind of idiot who doesn't know people have much worse problems. I lost 20 lbs and put on some muscle in the past 6 months. Didn't help my self esteem at all. I eat fairly healthy and still go to the gym, but I find less and less motivation as the days pass. I never really thought being a virgin was such a bad thing until I had a girl online break my heart. She seduced me to boost her own ego and destroyed me mentally and emotionally. Funny thing is I don't even like her anymore, but it's like she broke something in me that I can't seem to repair. I used to not care what anyone thought about me. Now I feel like the most insecure person in the world. My IRL friend convinced me that it's because I'm a virgin and somehow getting laid would cure all my problems. I wanted to believe it so I asked for his help (something very difficult for me) and he said he would, but he hasn't. Deep down I know that won't solve my issue, heck I've got severe intimacy problems anyways. So I'm not even sure I could go through with it if I was put in the situation. My irl friend has at least sort of tried to help. He made me buy nicer clothes, dye my gray hair, and convinced me a waitress liked me who probably didn't. I tried asking for her number, but I did it horribly cause I was so nervous so I'm more inclined to believe I blew it rather than she didn't like me to begin with. Anyways my friend says when I lose another 30 lbs and have a great body all this will go away, but I don't see it. I'll still be lonely, socially inept, have no useful skills (nor do I have the motivation to learn some), find no joy in anything, etc, etc. I've considered seeing a doctor, but to be quite honest I think the reason I don't is because I'd rather give up than keep hoping that life will get better "someday". It hurts to say but I don't think I'm strong enough to get over my irrational fear of girls and it hurts even more that I told this to my only friend in real life and he basically shrugged it off as nothing. He'd rather play video games all day and patronize me with "If you killed yourself I'd be miserable" every once in awhile. Like somehow my life purpose should be to stay around and entertain him. Anyways, let me apologize in advance for this last part I know I might come off as an asshole here saying my honest feelings... I know it's a shot in the dark here but I was hoping someone here might have some non cliche words of wisdom for me. The last thing I want to hear is "things will get better" or "your friends will be sad when you're gone" because my counter is "WHEN!?!?!?" and "If I'm dead I won't have feelings so that's not my problem".