I guess I have been depressed since I was a teenager, if not earlier than that. My mother is a terrible abusive alcoholic who has ruined my life in many ways, my father is just as bad. I have not spoken to either of them in over a year now. When I was a teenager I used to escape by cutting myself and then hiding the scars under long sleeved shirts and with bracelets so no one could see. One night I took the cutting farther than I ever had. I cut my left wrist so deeply that I could see the veins inside my skin. Well that was enough to make me panic, as I was not trying to kill myself. But at the same time, in that moment I did not know what I would do if I was left alone anymore. Would I cut too deep next time? I was really afraid I would hurt myself badly so I went to my mother. You have to understand what a huge deal that was for me because we never had a good relationship. She was always a monster to me, but I was at the end of my rope. I talked to her about it and the next day she took me to the ER to get help. I mean the ER because I'm a cutter? They gave me a tetnis shot and sent me to see a psychiatrist who told me I seemed sane and that the people he treated were seriously mentally unstable. So that was all the therapy I received and I was so embarrassed. My mother called the entire family and told them that I had tried to kill myself, what a joke. It was more a cry for help than anything. Anyway, that was the last time I hurt myself and it has been over 10 years. So now I am in a situation where I just got out of a 5 year relationship. I wanted to get married and start a family and when discussing it one night with my boyfriend he comes out of nowhere and says he is unhappy and did not want to get married to me. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, there were no words that can describe how hurt I felt. I was planning to spend the rest of my life with someone, and this wasn't the first time we had talked about it, and he basically says he wants out. Well we talked it over, both cried, both said we loved each other and could make it work. Days passed and I could not shake the feeling, the hurt, pain and knowing that the person I want to spend my life with does not feel the same for me and that he is not happy, that just breaks my heart. I thought the right thing to do would be to let him live his life and that maybe we should take some time and go our seperate ways. I want him to find happiness because he is a great guy and he honestly deserves it. So here I am living with my cousin and her husband in a house they will lose in a few months. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents and no one will ever know how hard it is not to have a mother, a mother who loves you like a mother should. I am now out of a job because of the move I had to make and don't have any friends, just my cousin basically. The other night I got in to a mood and checked my ex-boyfriends e-mail to be a snoop. Yeah I know I have no business prying in to his life, but what can I say..I can't help myself. I still love him. So anyway, I found some e-mails from E-harmony. I mean I haven't even been moved out for a full month and he wants to commit to another person when he couldn't even commit to me? Seeing those emails was like a dagger to my heart. All I want for him to realize is that he still loves me and made a mistake and to come get me. Now that I know he is moving on and so suddenly, I just can't handle this. I can't even imagine him with another person right now. This has been so hard on me already and I am so sick of hurting and feeling bad about myself all the time, there is so much pain and that is all there ever will be as far as I am concerned. I can't even talk to him. I still wanted to be apart of his life, even if that mean as a friend but when I call him he has nothing to say to me, like he just can't even stand the thought of me. It has been bad since the break up but after find the emails I just can't deal with this. Today I thought of how I might kill myself and actually imagined it happening, which is why I came here..to find some kind of support and understanding. Yeah I guess I am feeling sorry for myself but I am so lost and desperate I just don't know what to do.