My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sheori, Jun 16, 2011.

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  1. Sheori

    Sheori New Member

    I guess I have been depressed since I was a teenager, if not earlier than that. My mother is a terrible abusive alcoholic who has ruined my life in many ways, my father is just as bad. I have not spoken to either of them in over a year now. When I was a teenager I used to escape by cutting myself and then hiding the scars under long sleeved shirts and with bracelets so no one could see.

    One night I took the cutting farther than I ever had. I cut my left wrist so deeply that I could see the veins inside my skin. Well that was enough to make me panic, as I was not trying to kill myself. But at the same time, in that moment I did not know what I would do if I was left alone anymore. Would I cut too deep next time?

    I was really afraid I would hurt myself badly so I went to my mother. You have to understand what a huge deal that was for me because we never had a good relationship. She was always a monster to me, but I was at the end of my rope. I talked to her about it and the next day she took me to the ER to get help. I mean the ER because I'm a cutter? They gave me a tetnis shot and sent me to see a psychiatrist who told me I seemed sane and that the people he treated were seriously mentally unstable. So that was all the therapy I received and I was so embarrassed. My mother called the entire family and told them that I had tried to kill myself, what a joke. It was more a cry for help than anything. Anyway, that was the last time I hurt myself and it has been over 10 years.

    So now I am in a situation where I just got out of a 5 year relationship. I wanted to get married and start a family and when discussing it one night with my boyfriend he comes out of nowhere and says he is unhappy and did not want to get married to me. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, there were no words that can describe how hurt I felt. I was planning to spend the rest of my life with someone, and this wasn't the first time we had talked about it, and he basically says he wants out. Well we talked it over, both cried, both said we loved each other and could make it work.

    Days passed and I could not shake the feeling, the hurt, pain and knowing that the person I want to spend my life with does not feel the same for me and that he is not happy, that just breaks my heart. I thought the right thing to do would be to let him live his life and that maybe we should take some time and go our seperate ways. I want him to find happiness because he is a great guy and he honestly deserves it. So here I am living with my cousin and her husband in a house they will lose in a few months. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents and no one will ever know how hard it is not to have a mother, a mother who loves you like a mother should. I am now out of a job because of the move I had to make and don't have any friends, just my cousin basically.

    The other night I got in to a mood and checked my ex-boyfriends e-mail to be a snoop. Yeah I know I have no business prying in to his life, but what can I say..I can't help myself. I still love him. So anyway, I found some e-mails from E-harmony. I mean I haven't even been moved out for a full month and he wants to commit to another person when he couldn't even commit to me? Seeing those emails was like a dagger to my heart. All I want for him to realize is that he still loves me and made a mistake and to come get me.

    Now that I know he is moving on and so suddenly, I just can't handle this. I can't even imagine him with another person right now. This has been so hard on me already and I am so sick of hurting and feeling bad about myself all the time, there is so much pain and that is all there ever will be as far as I am concerned. I can't even talk to him. I still wanted to be apart of his life, even if that mean as a friend but when I call him he has nothing to say to me, like he just can't even stand the thought of me. It has been bad since the break up but after find the emails I just can't deal with this. Today I thought of how I might kill myself and actually imagined it happening, which is why I came find some kind of support and understanding. Yeah I guess I am feeling sorry for myself but I am so lost and desperate I just don't know what to do.
  2. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums, Sheori. I'm glad that you decided to reach out to us.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your situation; no one deserves abusive parents. I can relate to the parent alcoholic part somewhat.

    Do you have any medication for depression? If it's possible and you can afford it, I would definitely go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant. You've been through a lot lately, and if you've been depressed since you were a teenager then an anti-depressant would probably make a significant difference.

    I understand how hurtful it is that your ex is already looking to date someone else, but hang on for the future. As hard as it is now, and even though it may seem impossible at the time being, you'll slowly heal from that relationship as time passes. You'll find someone else who really wants to be with you. There is still a lot of happiness ahead for you to experience, and many lives that you can affect in a positive way.

    I would try to refrain from checking his email though; it's kind of like pouring salt in an open wound. The less contact you have with him the better; it should make the healing process easier.

    Is there a chance that your cousin won't lose her house? Please don't give up hope. At least you have a place to stay for the time being. Maybe you'll find a new job and she won't end up losing her house. A lot can change in a few months.

    I wish you the best. :hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear that your relationship came to such an abrupt end. However, that is life. Sometimes one person just cannot feel the same way as you do.

    Please stop checking his email. Not only is it an invasion of privacy. It is also a crime. It will also stop the healing process. You will see things you shouldn't. In the end no matter what you see. You will likely not feel better.

    For now you should focus on finding work and your own place. You need a distraction. Get your mind away from what has passed and see the present.
  4. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Sometimes true love is letting go, its the hardest thing i have ever done, but i know i have finally done so.
    I have two young children with the woman in question, although she has chosen to direct hate in my path, i know she does not truely hate me, she is protecting her new mans insecurities.
    I do know what it is like to have parents that are cold and unloving, hell, when i look back i still find it hard to forgive and forget, i am a work in progress on that subject.
    But you have to let go Sheori, think about it.
    There is no time span for this to occur, it is like a living bereavement.
    The worse thing is, its you hurting yourself, no one else.
    It took a long time to realise, i would rather be on my own, than to live with someone who did not love me back with the same depth.
    We all deserve to be loved as much as we love.
    I know you want him back, all i can advise is to give yourself the space and him too, only then can people see when they really miss something, tell you something else too, nothing is more unattractive than self pity.
    Things are rarely the same though, once its broken its hard to fix.
    So, you have a new page now, up to you how you write upon it.
    Guess you can start by trying to be a better person and forgiving yourself and even him, perhaps.
    As far as him going on a dating website goes, do you think he is really happy?
    I would say no, he clearly can't be happy in his own company, love is very random, he will find rebound love a very painful experience.
    I hope you find time for you, to be yourself and to turn that page, do not worry if the old ink bleeds through, keep on turning, sooner or later the page will remain crisp and fresh.
    Time is a healer, you will get sick of those words, but its how you use that time and how much intention you have, then it can be slow or a quick process.
    I so wish you well, let go, let go with the love you have for him, always love him, stop being in love with him, become whole and ready once more.
  5. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    sorry about your hurt and the lack of parental support during the teen years. Your parents really mishandled the situation and it must have been very embarrassing for you that she told everyone.

    Sometimes people have been together for such a long time... they gradually grow a little more distant, fall out of love. I'm guessing that is why 90% of marriages end in divorce? Even so, tons of adultery being committed as of now with married couples, so the divorce rate should be higher if their lives weren't kept so secretive. He doesn't 'seem' to have any interest in you anymore, I know it stings for you to read this, but so should you move on with your life and find someone whom you'd be more compatible with. Someone who'd care a little more? I would work on getting a job first though. goodluck
  6. Sheori

    Sheori New Member

    It was hard to put my feelings on a public forum for anyone and everyone to read. There are things here that I have not told anyone, but I want to make sure to take the time to thank you for making me feel even worse about hats off to you. It was a part of a healing process for me and after I had written out all the drama, I did feel better. I am glad there is a place like this to come to when the world seems against you.
  7. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    In your post you said "It felt like being punched in the stomach". Hell I know how that feels, aint life a bitch lol, so we do as always and carry on, nothing I can say will stop how you feel but I honestly hope you feel better soon and I wish you the best of luck xxx
  8. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello Sheori,

    I totally understand that its hard to write down your feelings on a public forum.

    I personally understand your feelings and want to help you as much as I can.

    People leave all the time, you've passed through a difficult time - i do want you to be sad, i do want you to cry, i do want you to express your feelings to yourself as it is extremely important and will help you a lot.

    I can tell you that everything happens for a reason, although i understand that you will not understand the reason at this stage - this is fully understandable.
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Just because you are hurting does not make what you did any less wrong. That is like me saying I robbed someone because it was part of the healing process. I take cyber security very seriously as it is my job.

    I do not see how this is part of the healing process. You said yourself, you do not feel any better by checking the email, in fact you feel even worse. You tried to heal a cut with a hand gun.

    I am sorry if I made you feel worse that was not my intention. However, I could not just let that pass by. Trust me I have been through something similar. There was a time when my every waking thought was consumed by my ex. Until I started doing other things to distract myself. You have to get your mind off of him. That is the only way to really start healing.
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