My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BLee10, Sep 4, 2011.

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  1. BLee10

    BLee10 Member

    Alright, I’m a nineteen year old guy and for the last thirteen months, I’ve considered killing myself many a times. I’ve never actually gone through with trying because I’m not even close to sure enough how to go through with it and such. I’ve just sort of been a mess for about a year and a half now. It started off as just some mild anxiety but it escalated into so much more.

    My biggest problems come from being paranoid. I constantly feel as if I’m not living up to my friends’ expectations and that I’m being talked about. It stems from being overweight but also from experience. I’m a very observant person and everyone ends up talking badly about others while they’re not there. And I’m the kind of guy that takes things to the heart; it’s just how I am. So I spend much of my time trying to satisfy other people. At times I also feel like I don’t give my friends enough credit. I used to be a bit of an outcast in High School until my junior year and then ended up winning “most changed” in the yearbook and becoming one of the more popular people in school. At this point I had lost 60 lbs and come out of my shell.

    I’m not really sure what happened but around January of ’10, I started to have days where I just felt like crap. I wouldn’t get out of bed on weekends until 1 PM and I was a mess in school. People seemed worried about me but in my head I was just thinking they thought I was weird. Around March I started going to therapy because my feelings were getting the best of me. I had been staying home from school because some days I just wouldn't get out of bed. My grades weren't quite up to par either and my parents were getting really worried. Also during this time I had a helping hand from a girl that I had had feelings for since about 8th grade. She’d see me having a rough day sometimes and send me a text later that day asking what was up and such. It was great but after a while I felt like I was putting too much on her even though she never seemed to be bothered. I felt like an asshole though because I knew she had problems of her own. We ended up drifting a little but we still talk occasionally, usually just small talk though. By this point I had also gained most of the weight back.

    So my main group of friends are people I met about three years ago and became close with fairly quick. But there was one friend I’ve been friends with since about the age of eleven but he was kind of just an acquaintance, until the summer at least. During the summer I began to hang out with him more and his younger brother who is two years older than us. And I also met the person who I’d consider to be my best friend right now, who was one of his younger brothers’ friends. Over the summer I hung out with both groups and at times things were getting better. The four of us would have the best times because we could all really relate and had intelligent conversation which isn’t always easy to find these days. But then later that Summer I got a job at a Stop & Shop as a personal shopper in their peapod program. I was bad at the job because it was all about time. The faster you completed orders, the better and I was not good. I had thrown out my back one night near the end of my shift and I had to call in for the next day and I was told I was working Tuesday and Thursday the next week (this was a Saturday). The next day I get a call asking where I was and that I was skipping work. I absolutely lost it and broke down after I hung up. I don’t know what it was but I freaked out and that ended up being the last time I ever worked there. This was when the suicidal thoughts started to come into play because I had really been in a rough patch of just unsuccessful thing after unsuccessful thing.This was about 2 weeks before I was going off to college too.

    College has been alright so far. My roommate is a friend from home and while we get along great, we aren’t really the kind of people that share feelings on a very emotional level. Just never been that way with us. I did alright my first year at school with a 2.6 GPA. I have no idea what I want to be though and it’s something that I want to figure out soon. I consider this one of the four biggest things on my mind. The first is the people around me, constantly. The 2nd is my phobia of driving. I got my permit a couple years ago and started lessons but my anxiety got the best of me because I was awful at it. Just something that I know needs to be taken care of but I can’t seem to get over it. 3 is my weight issues. I’ve lost virtually all of the motivation I had when I dropped the weight and I’m not even sure why I did then. I also come from a family of overweight people and my mother has diabetes. And 4th is my career direction. One thing I do love is writing though.

    So now here I am on my last two days of Summer before going back to school. Other than a few moments this has been a bad summer for me. I’ve lost all motivation to get out of bed until after noon and I’ve had no luck with jobs. Even with the medication I take I have had horrible anxiety attacks at times. Sadly a majority of my favorite moments this summer involve alcohol too. I never mix my pills with them though as I’ve heard awful things.

    So with that being said, I feel so selfish for wanting to kill myself. I see posts on here all the time that are a thousand times worse than this and those people aren’t giving up hope. I don’t understand why I feel like this at all. Therapy comes at the worst times. I love my therapist but I never feel like talking when I finally get there. Honestly I guess I don’t feel like I have much of place in this world. The biggest reason I’ve never tried anything is because of my three best friends and my parents. I can’t even imagine what I’d put them through if I ever did but sometimes things are bad and I try to even rationalize that.

    I’m really sorry for this being so long, I just wanted to give a good backstory of who I am to see if maybe people would understand what I’m going through. People here seem so nice and accepting and that's why I joined.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2011
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Greetings! Best of luck with everything - driving, losing weight, being around people, finding a career, writing, and maintaining the current friendships you have.

    Hope your family stays safe and you do too. :hug: I know what it's like to have suicidal thoughts, and I feel for you. Take care, and thanks for introducing yourself more in depth...Mr. A
     
  3. BLee10

    BLee10 Member

    Thanks so much Mr. A. I really appreciate the kindness. :hug:
     
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    You're very welcome! :hug: And thanks for the hug. :)
     
  5. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    Hey man, I read your entire post and I can undertand what you feel.

    First of all I say: you don't measure yourself up to other people's standards. American culture specially can be very nauseating in this aspect.

    95% of people on this planet are mediocre, insensitive and just plain dumb.

    You were obviously born with a heightened sentivity; use it for the good of manking. Be an artist, do humanitarian work, get out of your shell.

    That's all I can say.
     
  6. All of the things you mentioned have the ability to be changed so I wouldn't end your life over those things. Even with all of the emotional baggage and the feelings you have you can start exercising. If weight is one of these main issues for you then you can sign up for a gym and get a few training sessions with a personal trainer. They can show you how to get results effectively and quickly. It may give you the self esteem boost you need to work on the other issues. Also just because of my experience, be aware of the medication you're taking and what its side effects and/or withdrawal effects are and make sure you communicate with your doctor about it. Hold on.
     
  7. musicalpsycho

    musicalpsycho Active Member

    Hey, I'm the same in a lot of ways with the suicidal thoughts (and the guilt for having them), anxiety and the struggling to do even the most basic tasks. The advice given above is good and in addition, we shouldn't feel guilty for feeling this way when we're better off than so many other people because that's not what depression's about. It's about not having adequate coping mechanisms to deal with our situations. Maybe read this: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
     
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