So its the 1 of december again. And like evry year the worst time of the year for me. I dont even know why im writing this. Its realy suprizing that im stil alive. Have been thinking about it for years like evry day. Last year evry night before i feel a sleep i think of that special place that i have in my mind. Its behind our house up a hill a little just before the forest. Above me there are stars and beneth me my village. Im laying there slowly moving on thinking about how it will end. Maybe i started my story wrong and shuld start at the begging. Im 22 years old and im from Slovenia. The first years of my live where like evry childs mostly happy. My parents they are well lets get back to this later. Somewhere in the 5th grade i was wery sick had to take some medecine (thats when my mom say's it all started) me getting bigger and bigger. And when your fat (i would say flufy but i see my self as ugly and flufy mask's that.) your classmates will notice it. and say alot of hurtful thing (not all). Years have passed and im in high school. Well prety much evry thing stayed the same namecalling, etc only the stress increased because of school. You know when you someone and you can just tell they are depresed ? well that was me in high school. My father didnt beliave in my that ill make the first year and the years afther that. I did make them. i was depresed and thot about suicide but not evry day. from time to time. Then college came you would think that someone who's in college would be educated eneugh that they would make fun of someone. would you guest wrong. First year was the same as in high school only the name calling etc was at a minimun. The last 2 years it stoped. But then there are moments when you go out. I dont go out much. I dont go out at all. And evry time i was out i had to listen to some drunk guy's/girls about my look's. And i just cant owerhear them. Evrytime i hear somthing at my expense i took it in deep. Maybe if i didnt then i wouldnt be here. That was the back story. and not how i feel. Im the guy that will listen to ervy one's problem's help them if they need help, help them with school etc and when they dont need me then i dont exist. I have no friends. Yes i do have some people that i would call friends. But thats on Facebook so that realy doenst count. Im not like evry one else i think alot. Im 22 and never had a gf, while other i know from school olredy have children. and i think how much of a loser i am, i never even had sex and they olredy have children. evry time i go out i see people smiling, holding hands, laughing i see somthing ill never have, feel. Lately nothing interests me. i spend my day alone in my room. Thinking about life how i have nothing and never will have. I have a ruf over my head, food on the table , clean clothes and im stil not happy. When i see my self in the mirror i see the most ugly person alive. many times i think that if i was born in sparta they would dispose of me when i was born. There is nothing positive to write about me. i have tried to think diferently to lose weight so i wouldnt discust my self evry time i see a reflection of me, but nothing helped. I have no hope left. No will to continue. I dont know why im writing on this forum. and looking and how bad i wrote all this i want to just delete it.