My story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nobody00, Dec 1, 2011.

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  1. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    So its the 1 of december again. And like evry year the worst time of the year for me.

    I dont even know why im writing this. Its realy suprizing that im stil alive. Have been thinking about it for years like evry day. Last year evry night before i feel a sleep i think of that special place that i have in my mind. Its behind our house up a hill a little just before the forest. Above me there are stars and beneth me my village. Im laying there slowly moving on thinking about how it will end.

    Maybe i started my story wrong and shuld start at the begging. Im 22 years old and im from Slovenia. The first years of my live where like evry childs mostly happy. My parents they are well lets get back to this later. Somewhere in the 5th grade i was wery sick had to take some medecine (thats when my mom say's it all started) me getting bigger and bigger. And when your fat (i would say flufy but i see my self as ugly and flufy mask's that.) your classmates will notice it. and say alot of hurtful thing (not all). Years have passed and im in high school. Well prety much evry thing stayed the same namecalling, etc only the stress increased because of school. You know when you someone and you can just tell they are depresed ? well that was me in high school. My father didnt beliave in my that ill make the first year and the years afther that. I did make them. i was depresed and thot about suicide but not evry day. from time to time. Then college came you would think that someone who's in college would be educated eneugh that they would make fun of someone. would you guest wrong. First year was the same as in high school only the name calling etc was at a minimun. The last 2 years it stoped.
    But then there are moments when you go out. I dont go out much. I dont go out at all. And evry time i was out i had to listen to some drunk guy's/girls about my look's. And i just cant owerhear them. Evrytime i hear somthing at my expense i took it in deep. Maybe if i didnt then i wouldnt be here.

    That was the back story. and not how i feel.
    Im the guy that will listen to ervy one's problem's help them if they need help, help them with school etc and when they dont need me then i dont exist. I have no friends. Yes i do have some people that i would call friends. But thats on Facebook so that realy doenst count. Im not like evry one else i think alot. Im 22 and never had a gf, while other i know from school olredy have children. and i think how much of a loser i am, i never even had sex and they olredy have children. evry time i go out i see people smiling, holding hands, laughing i see somthing ill never have, feel.

    Lately nothing interests me. i spend my day alone in my room. Thinking about life how i have nothing and never will have.
    I have a ruf over my head, food on the table , clean clothes and im stil not happy.
    When i see my self in the mirror i see the most ugly person alive. many times i think that if i was born in sparta they would dispose of me when i was born.

    There is nothing positive to write about me. i have tried to think diferently to lose weight so i wouldnt discust my self evry time i see a reflection of me, but nothing helped. I have no hope left. No will to continue.

    I dont know why im writing on this forum. and looking and how bad i wrote all this i want to just delete it.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i do hope you reach out and get some support for you okay in real life too Have you talk to your doctor about your depression he or she can help you h un to get you out of that dark hole your in. Glad your reaching out here hun keepposting okay hugs
     
  3. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Thank you for your replay. Actualy last year i didnt talk to my doctor and got some antidepresion pils. Wich did not help at all. I feel the same. The only thing that they did was help get 15 kg (if google is correct that 33.069 Pounds) more on my weight.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There are antidepressants that help decrease your weight wellbutrin being one of them i am sorry to hear you last meds did not work but there ones that will help keep the depression away and help you loose weight as well ask your doc about them okay wellbutrin has helped me some
     
  5. b-rock

    b-rock Well-Known Member

    It's cliche, but you just can't focus on what other people say about you. A-holes will be a-holes and haters will hate. It is like the circle of life. I'm not the most outgoing person, but I think you should hit up some of your acquaintances (instead of them contacting you) and ask them what they are doing later tonight and whether or not they want to meet up and ect. Putting yourself out there makes a difference. Also, If you feel insecure about your body you should try to shed that weight. It is obviously easier said then done though. but i am positive you could do it. May I ask what you have tried to loose weight in the past?
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It seems that sometimes we take on the actions of the aggressor/s...you were the 'victim', as such of the medication and then became the victim of the people bullying you...this is very sad...maybe talking to someone about this would help...I found the best way for me to lose wt was to care about myself...I went from 300 to 135 pounds in 2 years
     
  7. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Since then i wasnt at the doctor's. Well afther all that happent me gaining weight i lost around 10 kg (22 pounds) But in the course of the last 5 mounths i got them all back.

    I what they are and then dont deserve my atention, but whats done is done. I cant even go out and have fun. Im constantly watching around me. its like i see evryone staring at me and wondering how can smoeone so ugly exist :(
    I do hit them up. To make sure they are oky. Dont know why but most of them that i talk to had some bad time in their live's and i was there for them.

    Well i tried it all expect for medication to loose weight. Went on walk's, worked out, changed my diet and it worked lost 10 kg (22 pounds) but then it stoped and after 6 mouths i lost my will and then i got it all back.
    Congrats on you loosing that much weight. That must have been hard work! I hope your happy with your wight now.
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah the funny thing about life is people never stop singling others out. Sadly, but true. You just need to learn to avoid it.

    As for the kids thing. Let me tell you about the guy who had 3 kids at 19. He was smart to attend a small school. Only there would he get his professors pity. He was destitute, despite having an ok job. I watched him pinch every penny he could and still struggle to support his family. While I lived like a king on no income :tongue:. So keep in mind children are a burden no matter what people say. Parents who see their children as a burden abuse and neglect them. To a lot of people, being a child abuser is worse than being miserable.

    One thing I have learned over the past year is that if you want something to change. You need to change it yourself. If not having a girlfriend is really depressing you find a book on dating. I have been reading one that I like and it has helped me in my social life in general. PM me if you want the title. If you want to have sex so badly pay someone. You could always take the felony route too... I don't recommend that though.

    In the end you have to be proactive in wanting to change. You have to be willing to sacrifice something of your old self to gain something better. I noticed once I started forcing myself to do things, life became more interesting. If you do nothing nothing will happen.
     
  9. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Its not that i never had a gf or had sex. Its more of knowing ill never have it. The thing about dating if your not self confident if you dont love your self how can someon love you ?
    I have trid to change it all. Its true that i thot les about suicide but i just can do it anymore.
    The strange thing is that i have been thinking about it for a long time and i stil didnt do it. Does that make me a coward ?
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    >_>... self-fulfilling prophecy.... Stop having them and you will succeed.
     
  11. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Its not as easy as it sound's. Its been like this for more than 4 years now. And it keeps getting worse.
     
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Actually... yes it is... I was exactly the same as you a year ago. Then I said I wanted to get in shape. When I started believing I could and focusing on it, that is what happened. Then I said I wanted to get good with girls. It was scary at first, but I went out and actually had conversations with women. When I threw away my usual self-hatred. It almost seemed like they were disappointed I ran away when I couldn't think of anything to say.

    The key thing is change friend. You have been doing the same thing for a while now. Time for something new and different. Time to challenge yourself to become stronger and better. If you do not do that then you will never grow.
     
  13. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I don't think changing yourself is particularly easy. Especially for someone struggling with depression, it can actually be very hard. Of course it's different for everyone, but for me confidence building is a baby-step process. It's about pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, little by little. Relationships are also a very tricky thing for me. I think that's because I often put too many restrictions on myself without just going along with it. These are things like "I don't make enough money," "I don't have job security," "what if my parents or friends don't like her?", "what's she going to do when she sees me for who I really am?" You have to just not think about those things and just make an effort regardless. Have you thought about doing online dating? It's actually helped me a lot with understanding relationships and has helped me build up some confidence. It's a lot easier and less risky/embarrassing than face to face. If the girl doesn't like you, there's not really that awkward moment of rejection.
     
  14. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    I have trid it many times before and it was never better. Your think that afther loosing 10kg (22 pounds if im not mistaking) youd feel good about your self. Like you achived somthing well i didnt feel better.

    If you beat depresion etc then you shuld know that it doesnt matter what your parents think or friends. Tell them that she makes you happy and if they are your real friends they shuld understand that. And when she see's who you realy are and she doesnt like you then you shuld know that maybe she's not the one. Never pretend to be somthing your not couse that way you wont be happy.
    On-line dating is not realy that big in my country. I tihnk we have 1 site. i mean we only are 2 mil..
     
  15. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    O_O.... holy crap congrats!!! You have to feel good about it though. I cannot make you feel good about it. Trust me do not put too much stock in numbers. ^_^ I have only lost 40 lbs but that is aroudn 5-% of my body fat.

    Anyway, you sound like you have been doing the same thing over and over. Time to try something that you would never condier doing.
     
  16. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Dont know why but i didnt feel good about it. in any case that was around this time last year and since then i got it all back...
    I think i have considered it all.
     
  17. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well the point is that you lost it once. You do have the dedication to make a change in your life. Why not apply that same motivation to something else?
     
  18. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    That motivation left as soon as i failed.
     
  19. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm... well why not find new motivation elsewhere? Why not start out small? You would be surprised how much little victories can do for your motivation.
     
  20. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    What do you mean by small ? have an example ?
     
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