Hi, I just discovered this forum and wanted to share my story. I've been depressed off and on since highschool. Mostly because I'm gay and hated myself for it. I have been hospitalized 3x in a psych ward. They diagnosed me as bipolar. Between manic episodes I get really depressed. Over the past year I've had more and more suicidal thoughts. It doesn't quite make sense to me because I have a wonderful boyfriend, friends and family. I have an addictive personality - everything from nicotine to booze and food. I have a hard time working. Part of it is the depression and loss of energy. I feel like I've become lazy and take advantage of my boyfriend. He works a lot more than I do and I feel bad that I'm not motivated to do anything. I just lay around all day. It's horrible. I'm doing nothing productive with my life. I feel like a loser. I want to have energy and excitement about life. I want to be spiritually enlightened and provide for my family. I'm seeking companionship and advice. I just want to feel complete.