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my "stream of consciousness" (could be triggering)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by carol2237, Feb 28, 2008.

  1. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    For everyone who doesnt know, "stream of consciousness" is pretty much senseless rambling where you just write everything that is in your mind... without worrying about punctuation or capital letters and what not... i find it helps me sort through everything, even though there is no order to what comes out. I know it is hard for most people to read this because it is so random :p so here it goes...

    it is hard for me to believe that it will be 3 weeks tomorrow since i lost the baby it will be almost 6 weeks since i found out i was pregnant and almost 4 months since nick raped me nick wow that kid is so confusing to me i could go on forever about all the good times we have had together christmas parties random sleepovers at sammy and nicks house being a shoulder for nick to 'cry' on during his parents divorce playing practical jokes on sammy nick going swimming with my phone and my parents getting torked i thought of him as a brother let him bring me to a party and i figured out the hard way all of those innuendos we would always joke about he thought i was serious that whole time years of jokes and games turned wrong all because i decided to go party with nick i ended up pregnant after that one you stupid ass i told you to stop why didnt you i could have lost everything my life my career my school

    oh my god school sucks i am only a junior in high school and i am sick of it but wanting to be a vet i still have another 9 years left of schooling at least >.< this is gunna suck i am failing all of my classes because of this stupid depression that i cannot seem to get out of and now i am apparently going to be charged again with academic dishonesty which is a load of crap i was not even their the day my group did all of the work my stupid family is no help either

    family... oh my god they are annoying my mom with her tell me whats wrong ways so i tell her what i need from her and she tries to change her ways but that only lasts for like a week and then it is gone again she goes back to her evil demonic yelling abusive workaholic ways my dad i dont know what to think of him he always seems to laid back about everything and it is so hard to communicate with him with his hearing loss and poor eye sight and the siblings... oh the siblings what am i going to do with you guys always fighting and as the case may be with amber always crying i am going crazy afterall i am 17 i should not have to share a room with a 5 month old when you 6 year old sister gets her own room it just doesnt seem fair to me but then again what is fair these days

    i can tell you for sure that my grandpas death was not fair to any of us hell i didnt even know him sometimes i think that makes it ten times worse though you never will get to grow up with them never meet them never see how they are never hear their boring old people stories i really wish i could have met you grandpa actually i have been thinking about you all day and wrote a poem about you today in class

    Why did you leave me
    So alone in this world?
    Why did you leave me
    Without saying goodbye?
    Why did you leave me
    Before we even met?
    Why did you leave me
    With that one fatal shot?
    Why did you leave me
    Without a bullet too?
    Why did you leave me
    I love you​

    well that was one of the two i wrote today... the other was really short though heck i think i will post it here too nothing better to do

    I cannot say
    He never told me
    He just left
    With a bang

    i cannot thank the people here enough you all have been so supportive of me and my whiny ways i want you all to know that i love you and wish you the best of luck in life but in no way is this goodbye feel free to pm me whenever you need to talk

    well i suppose that is all i have to say for now that was a bit longer than i had intended... although i am sure something will come up later that i will want to add so i guess i will add those things later

    ~if your going through hell, keep on moving
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    :hug: hang in there. best wishes.
  3. jeeks

    jeeks New Member

    "stream of conciousness" you are so fortunate to be able to express yourself, i've never been able to ever, my conciousness doesn't allow self analysis making it very difficult to express myself. all the best, hang in there.