Hi everyone, At first I was wondering if theres any site/forum that actually teaches one to suicide w/o any pain. V funny right, wanting to die yet scare of pain. Totally useless to the limit. I know/suspected that I having depression at this point of time and I even suspect that I gt this mental illness since very young as young as childhood days. I just want to share my story for my whole journey till today. As far as today, i can still recall how I spend my childhood days. I was always being bullied in school, at home by brother and i was never happy. Most of my days spend crying away like a failure. I cannot do anything well and never really seen as part of family. I have 2 siblings, elder sister and elder brother. As my sister is the 1st grandchild of the family tree, she was treated like a princess everything she wanted or never ask for will be granted. Getting the chance to learn piano(gave up half way), attending speak and drama classes etc. As for my brother, he was the second in the family tree. But considering the fact that I am living in asia, he is consider the 1st male in the family tree. Needless to say he was like a king in the family. Whatever he demand for he will get it the next few days. Lastly, me. Being the youngest should be the most valuable child like what most parents will do. But for me I was always left alone, neglected. Maybe my parents thought that I am the one that is sensible and need not them to worry much. Indeed. I hate to bring people trouble so in school I was always treated as teacher pet. And this is how I always gt bullied in school. As far as I can remembered, people around me always say that i was not born by my parents due to my natural tann skin. My friends will also laugh at me being different and I had difficulty making friends. Even my brother laugh and said I wan picked up from the bin. During Primary 3, thats where my whole nightmare begin. I was being stopped to go to the loo as I was having a bad tummy ache. In the end I cant control and actually did it on my pants. Worst still they drag me out for this 30 mins session before school dismissal and drag me up the school bus. Can anyone imagine how I feel when everyone wad laughing at me discreeting me away. Ever since then I am not able to face everyone like the way I do. I feel everyone is laughing at me whereever I go, talking behind me. And this nightmare hunt me even till today. I was not able to go out alone and face the people out there. Even when I am outside I dare not looked up fearing that I might meet those same old school friends and they will start talking about it. And this also affect my school grade and I was transferred to the middle - low grade classes. After that I succeed in going to middle high school. But I guess due to all the incident happened in the childhood had affected me badly. I still couldnt make any friend till I reached Grade 4. But I can say during Grade 4 and 5 is the my happiest moments iin my life. But soon happiness just fade away from me when I graduated. With my bad grades, I couldnt make it to the Polytechnic(dipolma study) instead I went to vocational insitute. Thats where most people looked down on us being not academically smart. I being to skip school and doing all sorts of stuff just to ruin my life. I hate my life as it is at that moment. During army life I was grouped with all the 'uneducated people' those graduate only in primary school and middle school. And life did not improved. I went for counselling and I thought it might helps but to no avil. The counseller will only ask me to recall the past and questioned me what I will do if I am able to turn back the time.(lame qns) Now back to society, I worked here and there and none of them I worked stayed for 3 months. I really have this difficulty facing the outside world. Everyday I just hope Im one day nearing to my death day. I tried going back to study but my parents could not afford the fees. I might as well said they are bias against me. My sis and brother gt to study again even they have financial difficulty. Only to me they refused to help. I tried telling myself no 1 other than me myself can help. In order to face more people, I took up sales job. I thought it is going to help but it actually worsen my conditions. I have fear talking to people, fear of being questioned, fear of approaching people. I really feel very useless and I do not know why I am created for. Maybe just to make up the numbers. Everyday my life just evolved around eat and sleep. My head is always heavy, mind blocked, mood swing and I can managed to stay alive by jus eating 2 buns n 1 dinner for the day.I really have no idea what I should do and I am really tired staying alive like that . My family members do not talk to me, when we talked I get agitated. My whole life is ruined. I feel so dumbed and useless. Right now I am going to cut off all my mobile lines, any form of contacts, facebook, msn etc and hopefully I can find people who have the same mindset of abandoned this world n just leave quietly n peacefully.