My stupid SW and my stupid CMHN *triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by nonstopnoise, Oct 9, 2006.

  1. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    This is a big fat old rant with lots of swearing

    FUCK YOU

    IT'S NOT ANYTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH THEM

    I AM A FUCKING ADULT

    I AM 23

    IT IS NO FUCKING BUSINESS OF MY PARENTS WHAT I DO

    IF I WANT TO FUCKING CUT MYSELF TO BITS IT IS MY FUCKING CHOICE, NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

    DIDN'T REALLY HAVE THE DDESIRED EFFECT DID IT

    YOU TELLING ME FIRST, WELL, I WAS DEBATING SEE YOU AGAIN, AND NOW I HAVE CANCELLED SEEING YOU AT ALL, AND I HUNG UP ON YOU

    I HAVE NO FUCKING TRUST FOR YOU

    IT IS NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH YOU

    YOU DONT FUCKING HELP, YOU MAKE THINGS FUCKING WORSE

    I AM ON THE VERGE OF A BLOODY PANIC ATTACK BECAUSE OF YOU, VERY WELL BLOODY DONE

    GUESS WHAT THOUGH, MY PARENTS KNOW ANYWAY, MY MUM HAS SEEN ALL MY FUCKING SCARS, AND THEY KNOW I AM CUTTING AGAIN.

    YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. YOU HAVE NOT SEEN MY SCARS, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO, OR USE, YOU KNOW FUCK ALL.

    YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE

    MAKE THINGS HARDER FOR ME

    WELL THAT'S OK BECAUSE NONE OF THIS IS FUCKING REAL

    YOU ARE ALL OUT TO FUCKING HURT ME AND I KNOW THAT

    I WILL NOT EVER BE SEEING YOU AGAIN

    I AM IN CONTROL

    YOU CAN'T DO ANYFUCKINGTHING

    YOU ARE EVIL

    MORE EVIL THAN ME

    FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE, FUCKERS!

    AND TO THINK THAT I WAS CONSDIERING ASKING FOR YOUR HELP

    YOU ARE USELESS, WORZXE THAN USELESS, INFACT YOU ARE INCREDIBLY GOOD AT MAKING ME FEEL FUCKING WORSE, VERY WELL DONE

    SO MUCH FOR BEING A TEAM THAT IS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME REINTEGRATE BACK INTO LIFE FASTER, YOU ARE JUST PUSHING ME OUT OF IT

    OH WELL, MORE FUCKING PILLS, MORE FUCKING BLOOD AND YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FUCKING SELVES TO BLAME YOU ABSOLUTE PIECES OF SHIT
     
  2. MariaM

    MariaM Guest

    Hello!

    You´re very angry.

    I don´t know what your parents said but what they want is to see you ok. I´m 24 and my mother is always so worried that i don´t eat enough and all the basic stuff.
    My mother has a problem ... she means well but she doesn´t know how to say things. So it always sounds unpleasant. Instead of chearing up and being supportive, she makes me feel anxious, insecure about myself and angry.

    take care,
    maria
     
  3. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    nonstopnoise,

    I do not need to know the reasons. I am glad that you feel safe and comfortable to rant here. Getting it off your shoulder is a good thing. I want to rant, but haven't yet. Your life and your decisions are yours. People do and say the wrong things often times.
    Please stay safe!
    (((((hugs))))

    TLA
     
  4. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    Thanks guys

    It just totally threw me, all I could see was anger and urgh.

    They want to talk to my parents due to me living with them (it's not even my parents instigating it, my parents don't really care), and they seem to think my parents dont know the risks of self harm (given that my blood count was so low I could have died at any mintue, I think my parents re aware of the consequewnces, they are just not bothered). I have found myself a place to live, and am currently debating as to whether or not I should move out. It would solve this simple problem.

    Sorry for the illegibleness of this thread, I don't remember making it, so many apologies, and thanks for the replies
     
  5. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    No problem, rant all you need to. Thats what the forum is for.
    When you get time, you can also read on the self harm threads!
    I like to wander into various areas.
    Take care!!
     
  6. ACRon

    ACRon Well-Known Member

    Parents can be so cold, I used to think they didn't care about me. I used to take those big ass kitchen knives out of the kitchen and sit in the bath with them. Contemplating ending things, I did it many times. One of these occasions I forgot that I had taken it in there and left it on the side, needless to say my mum found it and went mental at me.

    She was really upset because I think she felt that for all her efforts to bring me up that I was bieng ungratefull. My Dad said "I don't know what your planning to do with those knives but if you dont do it soon the blade will be too worn down to achieve it, muppet". So yeah, they can be surprisingly cold and nonchalant when it comes to your life.

    Im growing to realise that if I behave as though I care not for living, then they act like they don't care, because its common for a person to blame the parents for everything (Lets face it, it is there fault) So if your hurting yourself to get at your mum and dad, they're just making the process pointless by pretending they don't care if you do. Pisses me off when they do that but it works. I hate my parents, clever bastards. But they do love me, and i think yours do too wether you want them to or not.:smile:
     
  7. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    I am certainly not doing it to get at my mum and dad. I kept it a secret for years and years and if I had wanted them to know, then I would have told them.

    It started off me trying to kill myself because I knew it would make them happy, and they would never have to think of me again (I was 9 at the time, so excuse the strange thinking) and just progressed from there.

    It's not about them, it's about me. Cutting is the only think left in life I enjoy, and as it is the only thing that gives me enjoyment, I will do it.

    I never wanted, nor expected my parents to care. All I have ever wanted from them was to know why I am so worthless, why they had me, etc. But they won't ever answer. So I can't ever know.

    But yeh, not about them, at all. If it was about hruting them I would not put on a happy, smiley front all the time to show everyone I am ok.

    And thanks TLA, I do wander arounf the other forums, but struggle to reply to people for some reason. Don't know why though.

    Does anyone know how to edit the original text? I want to get rid of it. I have been trying to figure it out since I relaised I had made the post, but I can't do it, lol. Totally dense, sorry
     
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hey hun, I think I can understand that. My mother let a lot of bad things happen to me when I was a little kid, but now sometimes she'll see a ct and call my DBT therapist. And it just falbbergasting lol.


    I am sorry you feel so bad though, but maybe after "ranting" or as I can "venting", you'll feel better. Take care and try and keep yourself safe, if right now being around certain people sets you off and makes you feel worse, then maybe you should take a time out from them for awhile.


    Take care, and if you need me my PM box is open to ya hun! :hug:


    :handinhan,
    Carolyn.
     
  9. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    Thanks honey

    As it has turns out my parents have decided not to see the SW and CMHN anyway, which is a relief.

    so it was all for nothing. I'm still on a knife-edge. terrified they will turn up for the appointment I cancelled in friday, but other than that, things seem calmer with regards to these people who are supposed to 'help' me.

    But hey, at least now they are oof my back and I can go back to what I was doing before, and no one will ever know.

    It's all good :)

    Thanks for teh reply. Much appreciated
     
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    You're very very welcome. I am glad you are feeling better. :hug:








    xxz
     
  11. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I am glad you are doing ok.
    Some support helps.


    Don't forget SW are doing their jobs. Parenting does not come with a book; they may be too confused to say what we need. I dunno anymore!! Please keep in touch and stay safe.
    (((hugs))))

    TLA
     
  12. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    Thanks to you both :)

    I really appreciate your comments and the fact you took the time to reply. So thank you :)
     
  13. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    They fucking came anyway. bastards

    i did a really grwon up thing and hid and didnt answer the door

    i cant handle it, this, or them right now
     
  14. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Hey,

    I have done that before. My social worker comes by my home 2X a week. On the 2nd day, I stayed in bed where I was at. She left a note she would stop by next day--busted. Next day, I acted like everything is okay. It may be mixed up in my head. I am trying,m shit.
    Tell them, you don't want to say, cuz you know they will be shocked or overreact. I told my dr. that, he responded with more different questions. I cannot stress enough, they DO want to help.
    If you don't want the attention or help- tell them so. It is your decision.
    Stay sane!




    It is ok to just read and not post. If you feel nothing to say/share, no prob.
     
  15. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    lol, that last sentence made me laugh. i always try to respond, becasue if anyone happens to relook then they will know i have read and appreciated the response. it's just polite, in my eyes.

    I have told them repeatedly, well, three times now, that i dont want to see them, or want their help, or anything to do with them, but they totally ignore it.

    I truly, deeply, don't want anything to do with them. I have no trust for them. They just want to stick their oar in (it was their team that also got me sectioned when all i want/wanted was to die).

    I have not told them I want to die, since the section, or anything, yet they just wont leave me alone, and won't listen to what I have to say.

    I really don't want any help. All I want is to be left alone to die, and they are stressing me out something ridiculous.

    It's making things worse. But they don't know me well FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK JUST BLOODY FUCKING LOST THE REST OF MY ARSE TITTING POST

    ARSE BLOODY WIPES

    i cant write it again, not right now

    sorry, and thanks for the reply
     
  16. Entropy

    Entropy Well-Known Member

    Looks to me like you are expressing that you are a free-minded individual, responsable for your own actions...

    Thats cool =)

    Some people don't know how to express their point of view, that includes your parents.

    Some peoples points of view will never change.

    No one realy has the right to make you be or do or think anything.

    But we have to accept the consequences of our actions.

    And we also have to realize, that other people will still try to tell us what to do all the time irreguardless.

    I don't know what SW and CMHN stands for.

    Nature says we are independent from the day we gain self-awareness.

    From the laws point of view we are independent from the day we turn 18, at least from our parents (the law still thinks we are dependent on it for other various reasons).

    I am glad you at least came here to rant, sometimes thats better then trying to fight a lost battle =P

    Guess it depends on how independent you yourself want to be =)
     
  17. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    Thanks for the reply. A lot of that made a lot of sense. It was comforting, in a strange way.

    SW= social worker
    CMHN= community mental health nurse

    I know what the actions of not seeing them will be, and they will be the same as if i see them, but with no section involved (which it probably would be if they are involved, thats what happened last time anyway). I dont want the stress of seeing them, of people interferring, people forcing me to do things i dont believe in, or dont want to do (they sectioned me before and forced me to have 4 blood transfusions, which i didnt want because i cant stand the thought of having someone elses blood in my body, even after three weeks its still freaking me out a lot). I dont trust them, and trust is a big thing to me, so if i have no trust for them, i cant see them, at all.

    Also, probably playing a factor is the fact that I 'split' from people, which is common with borderline PD, and basically means i either love people or hate them, and they carried out a series of things that led me to hating them, and i have no reason to change that at all.

    I am a very independent person, yes, i live at home, but i pay as much rent as i can, i help around the house, i always try to deal with all my stuff alone. I dont like asking for help in anyway, be it financial, medical, mental, emotional, whatever.

    I have only trust in myself, therefore I have to do everything for myself.

    I can't remember whether or not I said this already, but wehen I found out they watned to tell my parents because I live with them, I made arrangements to move out, found a place, and a job, even though it was in a whole other country. i can be productive, and independent, if i really want something.

    Thank you for the reply. For some reason, reading over those first few sentences, I find them calming. It's like someone is saying it's ok to not have to do what someone wants me to (I have spent most of my life trying to pelase people, so for me to be standing up and saying no, i dont want to see you, is quite a big thing). So thank you loads :)
     
  18. Entropy

    Entropy Well-Known Member

    Im glad you found my words calming =) I hoped it would help bring perspective to your feelings.

    Just a word of caution though, from my own personal experience. When I was young I stood by that "creedo of you can not make me do anything". But I took it a little to far for my own good. I was at the verge of becoming owned by the state, and I ended up being put in a seperate school and seperate classes away from most people. I was deemed dangerous and unfit for "normal society". So when I took it that far, I made the choice to go along with things because i would be happier on the fringe of normal society rather then ostrocized from it. I made the choice personaly myself to go along with the way things people told me they were going to be. It worked, I got back into regular school, I becaming an honor student, I graduated, I did all the things normaly peolple can do. In the end I ended up having more freedom then being controlled and deep down inside im still free, I made the choice to participate even though I didnt want too.

    Do what is best for you =)
     
  19. nonstopnoise

    nonstopnoise Guest

    Wow, thats so impressive. Well done you. I can't imagine how awful that must have been.

    With regards to me, I have already been sectioned by them, thats the worst they can do to me, really. Section me again. Last time it was a 6 month section (but i was out in 6 days, go figure) so it can't get worse than that.

    they recognise i am not ill, or a danger to anyone, and they also know that they can not offer me anything in the hospital that they would put me in, if they did decide to section me again. So if they used any kind of logic, they won't do it. lol

    But thanks for your warning. I will listen to your words.