Friday was terrible. I have a teacher that thinks I'm being intentionally "brooding and refusing to do anything" and I'm not, I just don't have the strength to even sit up and even engage in class. And its always around that class period, around second and third period I feel like I'm swimming in my mind, everything is in slow motion, I have trouble breathing, my whole body feels exhausted. And my third period class is German and I can barely think in English, but I hear everything that is going on in class, and I'm trying to participate to the fullest of my ability, but I just can't. It's been over a month now. So he had a talk with me yesterday to ask why I am acting the way I am, I just told him I wasn't feeling good, he asked if I had seen a doctor, we were talking about two different things but I was not going back to the doctor (psychiatrist) ever again. Thankfully the lunch bell rang and that conversation ended. Lunch is the only time of the day I can sit and just cry (at school that is), and only if I have my car. Then I can just sit for thirty minutes and cry in the trunk, its a waste of time to eat and I'm not hungry. That is so humiliating to admit. After that I can function for the rest of the day semi-normally. I went back to class and tried to "behave." I just hate that every time I get really depressed no one really cares, doesn't matter if I self-harm, starve, or can barely function, according to my parents and others, like my German teacher, I'm doing it to be difficult, "get attention," or everyone else knows my motivation but me. Of course when I'm asked I do always say "I'm fine." So it's probably my fault. I don't know why everyone thinks I'm always trying to get attention, I've only done that a few time when I was really little and after I was molested as a six year old. I try my damnedest not to attract attention, at the expense I will be treated like I'm invisible. And I am, but that's because I'm too stupid and cowardly to know how to make conversation with anyone, its always been that way. And everyone seems to know I'm something to ignore or everything I do is for attention, outside in the real world, at home, anywhere online, and I think maybe even here. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, I don't know why I am treated this way! Is it some behavior I do or do I just have a tag that says that "treat me like shit, I deserve it," and yeah I probably do deserve it, I'm such a selfish person and I can't do anything right. But why me? Why is it when/if I tell/told people of my pain they are always repulsed or probably wouldn't believe me, or they'd treat me worse if they knew, like a crazy person. Or they will always dread speaking to me, and eventually never want to talk to me again, like what happened recently. It's never actual, genuine sympathy and desire to understand, its never "I want to help, let me help you," the things that everyone else gets when they are sad, but not me. Everyone else has family and friends who care and want to help, people who encourage them, people who tell them them they means something. Parents who sympathize and try to understand, instead of shunning and making them feel worse. Telling them to just change their attitude or their thinking, making them feel like an embarrassment, leaving the unspoken words of "why do you think your life is so bad?" And my life is really not that bad at all, its probably all my imagination, over sensitivity, and over dramatization. I am such a disgusting and selfish person. So I probably deserve it. I hate that I am so selfish, that I still want to feel something good, to want what other have. When I don't deserve it. Which brings me to my fourth period class, the seating was arranged weird where the desks were facing the wall. I was in a group that was supposed to be doing a research project, but they were too busy talking about being high, my computer was super slow. So I started reading the "awesome wall," which is where my English teacher would put all the really awesome papers from all her class periods. So I stated reading them, some of them were from the college essay paper we had to write (and maybe later send off to a college) and a "letter of introduction," which is just like it sounds. The first one I read was a letter of introduction, it was by an AP student, and it was about her social anxiety and depression, how her mom helped her and her psychiatrist... the usual "I am a work in progress," happy story etc. So it was obvious why that one was up there. The second one was by an AP student again, same topic bullying and depression and self harm, except this one had been written in an extremely creative way, she was a classical musician or at least liked classical music. She described her depression as a work in progress from a very slow and depressing piece by Mendelssohn to another piece that I don't remember because my eyes were already teared up. My mother is a classical musician and a music professor, so I'm probably one of the only people who knew who those people where and the pieces she mentioned.