My stupidity, please respond!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AngelofPainandMisery, Oct 11, 2015.

  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Friday was terrible.
    I have a teacher that thinks I'm being intentionally "brooding and refusing to do anything" and I'm not, I just don't have the strength to even sit up and even engage in class. And its always around that class period, around second and third period I feel like I'm swimming in my mind, everything is in slow motion, I have trouble breathing, my whole body feels exhausted. And my third period class is German and I can barely think in English, but I hear everything that is going on in class, and I'm trying to participate to the fullest of my ability, but I just can't. It's been over a month now. So he had a talk with me yesterday to ask why I am acting the way I am, I just told him I wasn't feeling good, he asked if I had seen a doctor, we were talking about two different things but I was not going back to the doctor (psychiatrist) ever again. Thankfully the lunch bell rang and that conversation ended. Lunch is the only time of the day I can sit and just cry (at school that is), and only if I have my car. Then I can just sit for thirty minutes and cry in the trunk, its a waste of time to eat and I'm not hungry. That is so humiliating to admit. After that I can function for the rest of the day semi-normally. I went back to class and tried to "behave."

    I just hate that every time I get really depressed no one really cares, doesn't matter if I self-harm, starve, or can barely function, according to my parents and others, like my German teacher, I'm doing it to be difficult, "get attention," or everyone else knows my motivation but me. Of course when I'm asked I do always say "I'm fine." So it's probably my fault. I don't know why everyone thinks I'm always trying to get attention, I've only done that a few time when I was really little and after I was molested as a six year old. I try my damnedest not to attract attention, at the expense I will be treated like I'm invisible. And I am, but that's because I'm too stupid and cowardly to know how to make conversation with anyone, its always been that way. And everyone seems to know I'm something to ignore or everything I do is for attention, outside in the real world, at home, anywhere online, and I think maybe even here. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, I don't know why I am treated this way! Is it some behavior I do or do I just have a tag that says that "treat me like shit, I deserve it," and yeah I probably do deserve it, I'm such a selfish person and I can't do anything right. But why me? Why is it when/if I tell/told people of my pain they are always repulsed or probably wouldn't believe me, or they'd treat me worse if they knew, like a crazy person. Or they will always dread speaking to me, and eventually never want to talk to me again, like what happened recently.

    It's never actual, genuine sympathy and desire to understand, its never "I want to help, let me help you," the things that everyone else gets when they are sad, but not me. Everyone else has family and friends who care and want to help, people who encourage them, people who tell them them they means something. Parents who sympathize and try to understand, instead of shunning and making them feel worse. Telling them to just change their attitude or their thinking, making them feel like an embarrassment, leaving the unspoken words of "why do you think your life is so bad?" And my life is really not that bad at all, its probably all my imagination, over sensitivity, and over dramatization. I am such a disgusting and selfish person. So I probably deserve it. I hate that I am so selfish, that I still want to feel something good, to want what other have. When I don't deserve it.

    Which brings me to my fourth period class, the seating was arranged weird where the desks were facing the wall. I was in a group that was supposed to be doing a research project, but they were too busy talking about being high, my computer was super slow. So I started reading the "awesome wall," which is where my English teacher would put all the really awesome papers from all her class periods. So I stated reading them, some of them were from the college essay paper we had to write (and maybe later send off to a college) and a "letter of introduction," which is just like it sounds. The first one I read was a letter of introduction, it was by an AP student, and it was about her social anxiety and depression, how her mom helped her and her psychiatrist... the usual "I am a work in progress," happy story etc. So it was obvious why that one was up there. The second one was by an AP student again, same topic bullying and depression and self harm, except this one had been written in an extremely creative way, she was a classical musician or at least liked classical music. She described her depression as a work in progress from a very slow and depressing piece by Mendelssohn to another piece that I don't remember because my eyes were already teared up. My mother is a classical musician and a music professor, so I'm probably one of the only people who knew who those people where and the pieces she mentioned.
     
  2. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Just the whole time reading them I was thinking, who am I to feel sorry for myself and wish someone cared, I am alone and I certainly have nothing to feel sorry for myself about, nothing bad has ever happen to me. Why do I want some one to care, I don't deserve it. Then I thought why couldn't I write about my experiences not only that well to be considered to be put up on the wall, but also not be considered a freak or crazy. I wish that if I managed to not be such a coward to write about what has happened to me that people would sympathize and congratulate me like everyone else receives, but of course, not me, no, never for me. I also thought why, why does everyone get sympathy and understanding but me, just why, why, why, why. I seriously though about writing about my experiences as my college essay of "overcoming obstacles" but for one, both of these girls had depression and overcame or began to over come it. I've been in it for six fucking years and can't get out of it, just deeper in it. And I bet if anyone found out they'd laugh. After all how hard is it to say you need help, go to the fucking psychiatrist, take the pills, and ta-da you're normal again! Of course not for me, never for me, nobody cares. I am so stupid for believing, for wanting to believe otherwise. I don't deserve it even if it was to happen. I hate being so selfish! I hate believing that something better will eventually happen to me, because it won't. I hate wishing and wanting someone to care about me, because it's never going to happen, no one wants to deal with someone who can never be happy, someone that lives permanently in fear, someone who always doubts, someone who is completely stupid to social interactions, someone that can't get out of the hole they've been digging themselves deeper into. No one want to talk to or to deal with someone--no something--like that. That I know for sure, because I've learned that the hard way. And lastly, after reading I thought why can't I be such a good writer! I suck at writing apparently, it's never creative enough, never descriptive enough, never good enough, and it wouldn't matter how much I tried it would always be crap, so I don't know why I would expect my writing to go on the wall anyways.
    I've always wanted to be able to express myself through some type of artistic medium, since I'm so flawed and can almost never express emotion in front of others. Why not be able to describe, or draw, or make something for how I feel to help others understand? No that's never going to happen. I tried art and I wanted to be able to draw since I was a child, but I sucked at it, and as a final test when I was 14 I spent a week drawing a picture, I showed it to someone I thought was a potential friend. And I have never nor will I ever touch any type of art tool or sketch book again.

    Then it was music, as I said my mother is a classical musician so I grew up with music, I played the piano for six years, though I'm not doing that again, my mom says I played like a second grader and I don't want to go through the humiliation again, I also did guitar for three years until I realized how terrible I was at it. I took cornet for a year and a half in school band, and I couldn't make a good sound on it at all. So if I can't play maybe sing? No, I was bullied out of choir. I think my voice is ok, I have a good range especially for some one of my age I can sing 5 octaves, I am a first soprano but I can sing down into the baritone range. A normal range that most people have is around 2-3 octaves. I made a recording of myself recently and it was crap so I won't be doing that anymore. I took two years of music theory (learning how to compose music) and I was absolutely humiliated by my theory teacher last school year, so I will never do anything music related again.

    And since last school year I have doubted my writing abilities, I wrote a short story (eleven pages) for a school assignment and I got a barely passing grade. I never learned how to write correctly so I've taught myself from reading books, so as anyone who has read anything I've posted on here can probably tell that, as well as how terrible I am with describing my experiences and probably just how boring my writing is, no creativity whatsoever. Probably why so few people ever respond to my posts, but I don't know why I expected more. So I might as well throw that wish in the trash with everything else, and give up trying to find a way to express myself or give up anything artistic related completely, it's obvious I'll be terrible at it regardless. I don't know why I waste my time doing anything or saying anything.
     
  3. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    The last part I want to rant about is on here.
    I really feel really terrible that I am bringing this up but I'm a selfish person obviously, and I hate that, I probably should just not say anything. Because I'll get used to it, I always do, I don't know why I think I deserve anything better, I'm not that bad off, I'm not that important, and I probably deserve worse than I already get now. I know its probably impatient, immature, and stupid to ask, I shouldn't say anything. Like I said before the first time I got on this site, I don't deserve any sympathy or pity or anything. I'm just a disgusting, selfish person.
    This is so painful and humiliating to talk about. I feel so stupid doing this.

    I don't understand what I'm doing wrong on here. Are my posts that long and boring? Do I sees totally out of it in my posts? Am I saying something offensive? Does it seem like I'm just saying stuff to get attention, because I'm really not trying to. Do I seem that childish and immature, or am I just completely stupid? Am I just crazy? I don't understand. The few times I have actually felt ok enough to view others posts on here, I can't help but notice on the few I've view how many people respond and sometimes how quickly. I've also looked at the number of views in comparison. I just don't understand why so few people respond to mine, what am I doing wrong? I've made several posts on here and only a handful of people have responded in total. Since I made this account I've spent a lot of time on here, I am really, really trying to use this site to the fullest I can. I spend hours typing these posts up. Then a few more hours deciding if I should post it and bother anyone with my problems. Because I really, really don't like talking about myself period, it just seems really egotistical and it has been my experience that I'm so damaged and eccentric that I have nothing in common with anyone or I'm so depressing they dread talking to me.When no one responds, it feels like my work is in vain, my time is wasted, and I should probably say nothing next time. Now I know everyone has their own problems on here and mine are totally insignificant. I still should probably not say anything at, all things just aren't that bad or as bad as I seem to paint them. I'm sorry, but when anyone says that they care or that they are interested, I just can't afford to believe them until some kind of proof is offered. I'm sorry, that has just been my experience, because everyone has said that to me when they don't mean it, my parents especially, therapists, former friends, etc. I have trust issues obviously. Everyone says one thing then does something else, I don't know what to believe.To me saying that you care or giving a compliment can only feel good of few seconds, then I don't know if it's sincere or why anyone would say that, what are they wanting from me? I just don't understand, what do I need to do differently, say differently or should I not say anything at all?
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,
    I am sorry you had such a horrible experience, but I am glad that at least one of your teachers noticed and talked to you about it. I think you should see a doctor, even if its just for to have a check up, would you be up for that? Lasy year I was extremely lacking in energy, no attention space etc.. turns out it was a physical issue as opposed to psychiatric so i would still see the doctor if i were you.

    You are not stupid or boring, people choose not to respond to posts if they feel bad themselves or if they don't want to read the length or if just don't feel up to it or dont think they can help. I'd advise you to keep posting though.

    I am SO sorry to hear you were molested, did you ever try to get a prosecution? (i'm sorry just felt compelled to ask that), because maybe that is where you are feeling short changed.

    You say everyone has family that would help but you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Don't judge it by what it appears to be, judge it by how it is. Everyone tells me how lucky i am to have my large family there for me -and i am, but damn my brother is an ass and wouldn't know what support is or neither does he care.
    I really hope you begin to feel better soon, we're here for you :)

    p.s love the signature
     
  5. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Astrid you are not crazy and believe me you are cared about here. I left a longer response in your post in the "suicidal thoughts and feelings" section I would like you to read.
     
  6. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively


    Thank you, I went to the doctor early last month because the thought of eating was making me sick, they gave me some appetite stimulants and that didn't do much. My mom of course was mad at me yelling that I had wasted a doctor's visit, that I was just trying to starve myself etc etc. She asks me just about everyday, "why are you not eating" "why are you starving yourself" etc, I tell her I'm just not hungry , she tells me I'm not I'm just trying to starve myself, go on a crash diet... And yeah, I haven't eaten a full three meals a day in over a month, I've only eaten one a day at the most, under threat. But I just don't feel hungry at all and it takes forever for me to eat a single piece of food. Yes, it probably had to do with something that happened at the beginning of last month and was amplified exactly three weeks ago, right before my birthday. But it was my fault, so I have nothing to complain about.

    Ok so I somehow need to make posts a heck of a lot shorter and not be so depressing. I wish I could be more likeable or have more draw power, but it's probably my fault, I don't deserve it.

    What happened to me isn't even considered a crime under the law or even socially inappropriate, as I found out when there was that thing with Josh Duggar. Ironic, because his first name is the same as the guy who did this, whatever, to me. That type of child abuse is not considered "abuse" unless the person is five years older or an adult, otherwise its considered "normal" or kids just having fun. Besides no one thinks its that big of a deal except me of course, and I over exaggerate everything I guess. It can't be prosecuted because there is no physical evidence (at least any that can hold up in a court of law) and it would just be he said-she said and when it happened the principle didn't believe me anyways, it was blamed on my over active imagination. By the way I was six, he was seven, he touched me and forced me to touch him on one occasion (at least this is what I can remember, a lot of it was/is repressed), he forced me with a pocket knife and threatened to kill me if I ever told, to this day I can never feel safe or even sleep very well at my childhood home. When the principle found out, he cut me with the knife on my arm, the one scar, not self-inflicted, I have to look at everyday. He bullied me until he left the school. I realized what happened to me when I was eleven, because the repressed memories came back, of course it contributed to my depression. Yet it really isn't a big deal, everyone I've told really doesn't react like it was a big deal anyways or any major concern. I don't know why I've made it such a big deal, why I have PTSD from it, why I get physically ill every time I have to think about it. Of course, it would never hold up in civil court either so I will never get or have any closure. Obviously it's not a very big deal, ha, it isn't even illegal.

    Yeah that's probably true, not everyone has support, I just think of it that way, I always seem to look at everything with rose-colored glasses. I'm just so stupid, its pathetic, absolutely pathetic and disgusting.

    Thanks, obviously I like Michael Jackson
    I like a lot of his quotes I wanted to include a stanza from the Havamal but it was too long.
     
  7. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Fails to communicate effectively

    Thank you, I read it :)