My suicidal thoughts

[Miss Invisible]

Today has been the hardest of many days for me. After at least a year of moving forward out of my depression, I fell deep into the abyss I call the dark hole of depression that sucks your soul in while you crawl your way out if you're strong. what can I a tribute this sinkhole of sadness to? well anyone who struggles with ongoing depression and other personality disorders can verify it doesn't take much for the demons of the past to work at your subconscious until your at zero. Prey to your faults with no support and afraid to share your inner pain with the "normals". Eventually you subcome to your faults and their triumphs...I may sound a little crazy but that's just me admitting defeat, giving up I suppose in a highly depressed state. After having an invasive surgery the depression has set in, fighting I have been but today im tired. My only light in this dark is my favorite poet Erin Hanson (e.h.), she gives me hope, tears, and smiles when I never want to smile again.
I'd like to post one of my favorite poems of hers if I could,
View attachment 586

 

[JDot]

Some of the things you are saying reminds me of a conversation I had the other day. I was explaining how I got out of a deep depression, thought everything would be perfect, and then got back into depression. I said I felt defeated. She said defeat had nothing to do with it. She said progress isn't linear and I will always have setbacks and it doesn't mean the progress wasn't real. I had never thought about it like that before. I don't know if that might mean something to you. It meant a lot to me. I thought I would share that with you.

 

[Miss Invisible]

Thanks for sharing that with me. Depression definitely isnt a straight line and it truly isn't gone forever when you think it is. it definitely is a work in progress, sometimes a long, long progress.

 

[Doesnt_Matter]

I've been depressed 10+ years.... . I've never been really happy... I've always hated my life, and I feel I was a mistake..I shouldn't be here... I've been alone most my life, having no one to turn to for emotional relief... I felt a small since of happiness.. Or maybe it was number temporarily when I got in a relationship lasting 4 years... I messed up... And I'm more alone than ever. We still talk... But obviously not the way I want... I have meaningless sex with him hoping I'll feel slightly better. ( a friends with benefits type sit.) My heart aches... Because I hurts because my own insecurities have caused pain in the one I loved.. But now I just feel cold....... The thought of suicide makes me smile at times because the pain would be gone and I would no longer exist to hurt anyone..... I need to talk to someone.... Anyone.. It just hurts so much.......

 

[Doesnt_Matter]

I've been depressed 10+ years.... . I've never been really happy... I've always hated my life, and I feel I was a mistake..I shouldn't be here... I've been alone most my life, having no one to turn to for emotional relief... I felt a small since of happiness.. Or maybe it was number temporarily when I got in a relationship lasting 4 years... I messed up... And I'm more alone than ever. We still talk... But obviously not the way I want... I have meaningless sex with him hoping I'll feel slightly better. ( a friends with benefits type sit.) My heart aches... Because I hurts because my own insecurities have caused pain in the one I loved.. But now I just feel cold....... The thought of suicide makes me smile at times because the pain would be gone and I would no longer exist to hurt anyone..... I need to talk to someone.... Anyone.. It just hurts so much.......

 

[Doesnt_Matter]

Guess that posted two times...

 

[mirandaneedshelp]

I've been depressed 10+ years.... . I've never been really happy... I've always hated my life, and I feel I was a mistake..I shouldn't be here... I've been alone most my life, having no one to turn to for emotional relief... I felt a small since of happiness.. Or maybe it was number temporarily when I got in a relationship lasting 4 years... I messed up... And I'm more alone than ever. We still talk... But obviously not the way I want... I have meaningless sex with him hoping I'll feel slightly better. ( a friends with benefits type sit.) My heart aches... Because I hurts because my own insecurities have caused pain in the one I loved.. But now I just feel cold....... The thought of suicide makes me smile at times because the pain would be gone and I would no longer exist to hurt anyone..... I need to talk to someone.... Anyone.. It just hurts so much.......

I would be happy to talk. I also have been dealing with depression for over 10 years, some good years and some bad. I'm in a very bad year. I also want someone just to share my feelings with. Msg me if you want to chat

 

[Miss Invisible]

I've been depressed 10+ years.... . I've never been really happy... I've always hated my life, and I feel I was a mistake..I shouldn't be here... I've been alone most my life, having no one to turn to for emotional relief... I felt a small since of happiness.. Or maybe it was number temporarily when I got in a relationship lasting 4 years... I messed up... And I'm more alone than ever. We still talk... But obviously not the way I want... I have meaningless sex with him hoping I'll feel slightly better. ( a friends with benefits type sit.) My heart aches... Because I hurts because my own insecurities have caused pain in the one I loved.. But now I just feel cold....... The thought of suicide makes me smile at times because the pain would be gone and I would no longer exist to hurt anyone..... I need to talk to someone.... Anyone.. It just hurts so much.......

 

[IdontMatter111]

My heart aches... Because I hurts because my own insecurities have caused pain in the one I loved.. But now I just feel cold....... The thought of suicide makes me smile at times because the pain would be gone and I would no longer exist to hurt anyone.....

I feel the same way......

 

[moxman]

Hello Miss Invisible , I am Mox

Thank you for joining us here at SF. Thank you for sharing part of your story with us above. I invite you to read my personal story below in green, maybe it would help you in some way. I also have other links posted below that. The pink one I lay out my physical/mental health problems if you want to know what I have been through. Just know that when you are here you are safe. No one will judge you. No one will one ridicule you. That behavior is not tolerated here.

I have been dealing with depression for most of my life. I have a lot of physical problems too, that adds to the depression.

I feel like one thing to keep in mind is this, as amazing as our brains are, they can only focus on one thing at a time.

I think the battling depression thing is like this you are going to have your good days, awesome!!! You are going to have your bad days, . You are going to have your horrible days, *bighug. That seems to be how it works for some reason, at least for me.

To me, when I start to feel the slide down, I try to do something to distract myself , for example, writing in a journal, or doing some kind of mental puzzles. For me, the slide stops, and it goes back to "normal". I found the best thing to do, when I feel it building up I change my surroundings. I put Max on a leash, and we go for a walk. Another thing that helps is watching funny clips on youtube, you have to check out the graham Norton show out of the UK, it is hilarious.

I liked your poem very much, warning I am probably going to steal it =) I like the poetry helps you, that is very important. Do you ever try to write your own poetry? Do you have any kind of exercise routine, or planned physical activities helps a lot? It is especially important to go the days you don't want too.

I didn't see you mention any kind of support network. Do you have any family/friends that can help you when you are having a bad day?

You mention you had a surgery. How is your physical health?

Are you seeing any kind of mental health specialist to help with this "devil" of a disease? If not, it would probably be an excellent idea.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

What would be the best way us to help you?

Take Care

 

[Miss Invisible]

Thanks your reply. I did see a therapist before my spine surgery but I have not seen her since. I know I need to talk w her, and left a message w her and I do hope she calls back. At this point of pnt of minor physical pain and restrictions from my surgery, I sit oftend and think. thinking is not my friend. I think too much, too deep, I see more than I can handle and In those moments I can't come back..I'm lost somewhere inside a world of hurt so I wall myself to everyone that seems to care but could hurt me, to everyone who shames me or has hurt me before. I live in an invisible suit protected by those that can and will hurt me. what I cannot protect is my mind, I can't stop the traumas from replaying in my head, the emotions from flooding me from one to 100 at anytime. no, the only thing I can protect is me right now. And that's why live surroundedicated by bricks in a room so small only I see who comes and goes. This is my internal/external struggle to stay safe.

 

[Miss Invisible]

Hello Miss Invisible , I am Mox

Thank you for joining us here at SF. Thank you for sharing part of your story with us above. I invite you to read my personal story below in green, maybe it would help you in some way. I also have other links posted below that. The pink one I lay out my physical/mental health problems if you want to know what I have been through. Just know that when you are here you are safe. No one will judge you. No one will one ridicule you. That behavior is not tolerated here.

I have been dealing with depression for most of my life. I have a lot of physical problems too, that adds to the depression.

I feel like one thing to keep in mind is this, as amazing as our brains are, they can only focus on one thing at a time.

I think the battling depression thing is like this you are going to have your good days, awesome!!! You are going to have your bad days, . You are going to have your horrible days, *bighug. That seems to be how it works for some reason, at least for me.

To me, when I start to feel the slide down, I try to do something to distract myself , for example, writing in a journal, or doing some kind of mental puzzles. For me, the slide stops, and it goes back to "normal". I found the best thing to do, when I feel it building up I change my surroundings. I put Max on a leash, and we go for a walk. Another thing that helps is watching funny clips on youtube, you have to check out the graham Norton show out of the UK, it is hilarious.

I liked your poem very much, warning I am probably going to steal it =) I like the poetry helps you, that is very important. Do you ever try to write your own poetry? Do you have any kind of exercise routine, or planned physical activities helps a lot? It is especially important to go the days you don't want too.

I didn't see you mention any kind of support network. Do you have any family/friends that can help you when you are having a bad day?

You mention you had a surgery. How is your physical health?

Are you seeing any kind of mental health specialist to help with this "devil" of a disease? If not, it would probably be an excellent idea.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

What would be the best way us to help you?

Take Care

 

[Miss Invisible]

I replied to you above this but I forgot to say your welcome to that poem, written by Erin Hanson, my favorite poet it and so many other poems of hers are well worth the read, very soul searching . ..my type
Good day, thanks for the reply

 

[moxman]

I thought of your experiences and what someone had explained to me before about boundaries.

"Barb (therapist) explained the protective boundary like a space suit with a zipper. When a person is threatening to you, zip it up and know that you can survive in there and the crap being flung at you isn't your crap. When people are safe, you can pull that zipper more and more open as you trust them. Anyone who you have to be way more zipped up around isn't safe to be around."

Does that fit you, you think? Or is it something different?

Do the bad thoughts happen when you are busy at work, or other activities? But when you stop, they hit you like a freight train sometimes.

I sit oftend and think.

Maybe you should try to avoid sitting so much, instead have your whole day planned out. to where you do not sit and think, you are too busy doing different projects/hobbies? Or does that not sound like what you are going through?

When I have really bad thoughts in my head, I repeat nonsense in my mind to take control of it away from the bad thoughts. I repeat stuff in my head like "water is wet, grass is green, sky is blue" or whatever, works for you.

I hope you are having a wonderful day my friend

 

[Miss Invisible]

 

[Miss Invisible]

Thank you for your analogy, about the space suit. And yes that is how I feel. I'm prone to be sitting lately since I had a posterior c5-t1 laminectomy & decompression surgery. That's probably a main reason my depression is coming back full force. I'm not the type of person who handles restrictions well but in this aspect I have no choice. so a sitting body with a very active brain. I go from past to present, to future to overwhelmedom. I can't do everything I need or want to do which is so frustrating and I feel down.
I like your responses to repetitions aND going outdoors as well distractions.
Hope you have a pleasant day!

 

[JDot]

Thinking can be our worst enemy. At least that's what I think. lol. But in all seriousness sitting in silence and overthinking about your problems can make you spiral into hopelessness. Thinking repetitively about your life and your problems is called rumination. I have problems with ruminating myself. I find myself doing it all the time. I know I shouldn't do it. But I do it anyway. I will probably do it at some point today. The silver lining is that I know thinking is my problem and you seem to know that thinking is your problem. When we know thinking is our problem we have the choice to tell ourselves to shut up and do something to take our minds off things. It sounds like you are in a situation where physical activity is out of the question. There are a lot of things you can do while sitting to get your mind off things. The most obvious would be to watch movies and television. I think it's important to note when dealing with depression you should be very selective about what you watch. I personally stay away from the news. I think it's best to watch things that are funny and not too serious. A lot of times when I need to get my mind off things I watch episodes of The Simpsons. Actually I'm watching The Simpsons right now as I'm writing this. The silliness almost never fails to cheer me up. You can also read. Obviously you want to be selective in what you choose to read as well. It sounds like poetry means a lot to you. When you find yourself overthinking you can always read Erin Hinson and discover other poets. I have a friend named Justin Blackburn who writes and publishes poetry. He's also a comedian and a motivational speaker. I haven't seen him in years but I've always found him inspirational and continue to find him inspirational. He's the most positive person I know. He's so positive I used to wonder if he was even human. Here's an example of one of his poems: http://wakezine.com/poetry-spotlight-justin-blackburn/ Listening to music you enjoy is also great. I have a jazz and rock record collection I like to go through. I also like to listen to music on YouTube. I like to use the internet to discover music I haven't listened to before. Recently I've been listening to a lot of music from other countries. Something I've been doing a lot lately to get my mind off things is coloring mandalas. There are studies about coloring mandalas being good for anxiety and depression. I go to printmandalas.com, print out mandalas, and color them. There are also meditation coloring books you can buy.

Anyways I hope you get to feeling better physically and emotionally. **HUG**