it went very strange some weeks ago , when I got the information about my friends suicide. Ive been griefing her death since that day the information came to me. But also there was my own suicide attempt, only one week later than she died. She left from the park we were partying at the time, and killed herself. One week later I was at the same park with same friends, and also left from the park and tried to kill myself. At first I did not know how to react to these facts, like the guilty and shame was so big. Now I feel released I talked with my friends after my attempt and apologized it to them. I have been trying to attempt suicide 5 times since 2008. Also been struggling with serious suicidal thougths and actions , but those times were those where I was really serious about it all. Like it strange why she left and I got to stay. At some point I found somekind of understanding inside me to what happened to her. My reason to wanna die and kill myself is myself, I am the biggest problem. It has been like this since I was 13 years old. Adults and everybody else, the media, teachers,believers etc. allways said "its gonna get better when you grow old". It never did. Or no, yes it did, in some way (because im stiil hanging on here) and being an adult is totally different than being messed up teenager, or atleast its for me and I believe its the same to many of us, however one is feeling and thinking about it, we all have our unique experiences. But back to my story... I have rough past, where I used a lot of alcohol(I was an alcoholic),pills etc. and all my relationships were related to drinking and using. And the life was just hell ,every morning, every day, never nothing more or better or beautiful. Just dead shit where everybody is like living dead and live just to have some more drugs, alcohol, or pills. Lots of doctors, psychiatrist, nurses, treatments. efforts, "new beginnings" etc. But then I really started from the clear table. I went to rehab, this time for real. Was there several months. Went through my "cold turkey" or what is the term , but those symptoms. Was suffering from psychotic symptoms cause of using so much so long. Those symptoms lasted many months after I stopped drinking and using. I was very weak, very vulnerable, totally messed up. I changed the place I live, and started to study and meet new , sober people in new environment. It didnt go as it should go. I felt like most of the people I met were from totally different backgrounds where I came, and thats OK to me, but it seemed it was not ok to them. When I use the term "them" I dont mean everybody in our class/school but some of them. So it made me even more depressed. I have also had this conversations with some people I have get toknown better and even they had said that i dont get that respect and stuff because im " different" than most of the people. I know that. But im trying. Trying so hard.So that lead to even more deeper depressio nand anxiety and the feelings I wanna die , because it made me feel this is it. This is the "New life" I was dreaming about when i was drinking and using. this is the life ive been waiting for. And what is the problem ? Im too odd, im too different, i speak too loud and I dont know how people "normally" react to things.Im just weirdo. And cause there is no social network ,im not contact to my family , im alone. So thats what is depressing me. And yes, ive been trying to think what it is that i could do differently , or what are my "blindspots" , but it cant be like that that I have to change myself forever and never be good enough. Being depressed, trying to survive and build the new life without user-friends and the past, its too hard to me.So I tried to kill myself because I had thisfeeling I have seen what life has to offer to me. Because I know for 100% sure I have given all I can, I have tried. I think thats the worse part, I TRIED. I understand if I just sit home and drink and use pills and cry "no one likes me" and sink into the self-pity , I understand that is not going to change things.Ive been there. But, the worst part is I tried, and it didnt work out.I tried so hard for like 1,5 years. Not much new friends or contacts, not getting the feeling I belong to our schoolgroup, not getting joboffers, but have been doing some jobs and thats good. So I guess the main feeling is the disappointment. To other people, yes. To school, yes. To society, yes. But the biggest disappointment comes to me. I am the problem. I am the one who is obviously not talent enough to "get inside the group", make new relationships, live in a healthy community and live without substance abuse. And I know I made it worse myself cause i have been relapsing several times. And then I have been in denial, some days ago I accidentiually read some diarysutff I have been writing like the end of the last year and this year. So, I noticed when im thinking "oh it was just a little relapse, nothing much" I read the amounts I have been using like four-five days and after that going through my own "private" rehab with fears, and physical /psychological symptoms.. so yeah. I had to face the truth my relapses havent been that small Id love to think and live with. I went to local AA but ive been having so deep social anxiety it felt so hard, I felt I dont belong there and it made my disappointment even more deep. So I cant even seek or get help cause being like this, being too strange or too healhty or too sick.Im allways too much something, or too less. Never enough. But im still here, I woke up every morning , I breathe , I guess I still have a chance as everyone us does. Just with my history, my choices, my friends suicide and my suicidal thougts, anxiety and depression im not sure if im goin to make it. Not sure. Not sure if I wanna make it. One of my biggest fears is I dont ever find a key to live a normal life, to be a part of healthy group or to be inside our society, no matter how hard I try or would like to be. Or maybe this is just my loneliness and depression thoughts and my friends death which are making me feel like this... I dont know. But I am tired, so very tired. I even started a blog. At first I thought I wanna speak about my suicidal thoughts and attempts. Then i came to that fact its to people near of me, If I kill myself. That was not the first thought, but it popped up into my mind while writing my thoughts and feelings out and building the site. Like something to leave, something to read to them. I wish strenghts to your day. Please, hang on, write here, go for a walk, listen to music, try to distract your thoughts, or take some necessary pill, but please dont kill yourself. Thank you for reading my story, I wish all the best for you.