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My suicide note.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by UmbrellaCorpSoldier, Feb 2, 2009.

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  1. A permanent solution to a temporary problem - that is what the wise and good people state to help. The way they make suicide look like a decision based on cowardice is remarkable, when in the end it is a clear statement of one's strength - at least mine. I cannot speak for all those others.

    For all those others that take XXXX to attract attention.

    For those that wait on the roof of a skyscraper until someone notices them to call the cops.

    I can only speak for myself, and my decision is not based on weakness but on absolute power. Hamlet said it, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Camus and Sartre considered the question.

    It is not based on weakness but on a free will, the liberty to contemplate the unthinkable. It is a question only the strongest can face.

    They say it is easy to escape life but hard to go on with it. What fools. How many people can hold a gun to their head and pull the trigger?

    How many can cut a knife into their arms to pierce arteries and veins?

    How many can make the little step off a skyscraper?

    How many can swallow the cyanide pill?

    Small movements, a jerk of an index finger, a cut, a step, a swallow.

    How many think they can do that but have to face their weakness on the doorsteps of a mysterious, scaring new existence?

    How many have the mental strength to deal with such a decision?

    How many can question their lives?

    How many can face the fact that all they have done is useless and that there is no use apart from procreation -and what kind of a goal is that? Fucking, as the meaning of life. A goal for rabbits, for sheep, not for humans. And yet it is good enough for most.
    To wait, to wait for something to come, to save them, something that does not exist, something that does not come. And so they keep on giving birth while standing on their graves, waiting like sheep.

    How many can ask those questions?

    How many can draw the consequences?

    Those mentioned philosophers did not. None of them did agree to it in the end. None of them. Because suicide is wrong? Because as Nietzsche stated, the philosopher has to live his thoughts and hence set an example in dying. None of them were strong enough to do that. Whimps. Intellectual wankers, smart asses, suckers. Unworthy to have been read by me.

    It is easy to live, to go on with it, to stand the treatmill. All you have to do is switch off your brains, not think, do what you are told and expected to and you will get old. There is nothing easier than living. Man is built to endure pain. He can easily bear the whips and scorns of time as long as he doesn't question them, and as long as he is not confident enough to wonder whether it is worth suffering. All it takes is to stick to the routine. There is nothing simpler than that.

    Yeah, sure they will find reasons when they dig in my past. They will say:

    He could not stand the pressure his profession had put on him, he had always suffered from depression, he was suffering from a broken heart when his girlfriend left him. He could not stand loneliness, unrequited love of all sorts. He was too sensitive.

    Those would be their words.


    And they will be feigning sympathy and compassion, they will look at the art, the literature and state how great it was, what a loss it is, what a great future lay ahead of him.

    The sympathy of the deaf, dumb and blind, the braindead, the sympathy of the hens in the battery.

    This is not the reason.
    Sure, I am bleeding all over the place, sure I am suffering from pressure, sure I have always been depressed, sure all of this is true. But it is not the reason. I am not doing this out of pain. This is a decision based on positivity. Lust for life. But not that stale and dull life. Real life, genuine emotions.

    To shake off this mortal coil,
    To step up to the Gods and to spit in their faces,
    To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone.
    Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil.
    A voluntary step into something unknown.

    Suicide is not based on weakness, it is based on absolute power - at least in my case.


    To stand on top of the highest cliff.
    To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
    The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
    The beauty of the abyss.
    The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest sex, an existential foreplay.
    Looking down into oblivion and voidness.
    The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
    Standing there.
    Feeling eternity in a restricted world.
    Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence.

    To draw the final breath,
    To make that little step,
    To know, that for once a decision was made,
    To feel one foot above the abyss,
    To think for a split second you can float in the air like the cartoon characters on TV,
    To feel losing balance,
    To fall,
    To gain speed,
    To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
    To feel the cold wind violently caress you,
    To see the ground coming closer,
    To scream in orgiastic excitement,
    To know what you have done,
    To know that you have done something for once.

    Maybe even: To doubt,
    To regret,
    To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
    To fly into annihilation,
    To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

    Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,
    Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, divine. Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.

    Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

    A worthy payment for endless agony

    No more endless, unbearable pain.
    No more routine.
    No more repetition.
    No more...... problems

    To sleep, perchance to dream.

    To give in to the tiredness.

    To fall asleep.

    To find solace.

    No more agony.

    To end.

    The end.

    This took me four hours and 2 packs of ciggarettes to finish, i wrote this a while back. This was before i had the XXX to my head, but i didnt pull the trigger, maybe someone or something is still keeping me alive for somthing that awaits. I doubt it......
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2009
  2. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    This is truly beautiful.
    Its making me cry :cry:

    Please live on
    Write books about this
    I'm sure many people would buy them

    Please don't give up :hug:
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    you are a breathtaking writer. i was moved to tears. .. . how can it be alright to snuff out such a talent, such a contribution to the world??

    four hours. i could work four days and not produce anything as lovely.
    yes, it is sad. but here, we all know what 'sad' is. ...

    maybe you have a place in life to add beauty.... no great art comes without pain, (my opinion only)

    i was moved and i am changed .. to read it. . makes me think in different ways. .. so look at the impact you might have on the world. (look around. how many of us are lonely, misunderstood, hurting, rejected, lost, abused. . .. don't take such a bright light - from a darkening world...........

    hey. pm me anytime. i care about you. many do hun xxx :hug:
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    wow, amazingly sad writing.

    I hope you don't jump from that cliff, you have too much to offer the world.

    I'm speechless, I don't know what to say,

    You can talk to me anytime :hug:
  5. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    That was very depressing. :(

    Well written, though.
  6. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    You say the philosopher has to live by his thoughts and die as an example.

    What principle is it you feel you have to die for here?
  7. I-Died-In-My-Dream

    I-Died-In-My-Dream Well-Known Member

    I've read that on some website long ago. I think I'll be using it as my suicide note too.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    He wrote that..he said it took him 4 hours:blink:
  9. Thinice

    Thinice Well-Known Member

    Fantastic writing. Unlike most, you have the ability to convey emotion through nothing more than a computer keyboard and a screen.
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Who is the original writer of this piece as it was found posted at another site. Credit needs to be given where it is do.

  11. Perhaps it took him four hours to copy and paste it from wherever he found it.

    Beautiful note though, whomever it was whom wrote it.
  12. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    It is well written but i'm not a massive fan of poetic verse. I'd much rather have it plain and simple than put together lyrically. I think suicide is romantised too much; in reality it is kinda degrading. Don't get me wrong i agree with a lot of what you wrote, suicide is not a cowards way out, those that do committ suicide i believe have struggled for a long time before that point and noone can understand how they feel, not even those who have attempted suicide but lived. But suicide at the end of the day is an act of desperation. You can write it as poetically as you like, and you do write well, but summing it all up what you are basically saying is - life is pointless, i can't see any way out, suicide is the only way out ---- which adds up to -- desperation. Sure i bet in that one moment a person about to commit suicide does feel such intensity of emotions, like 70yrs rolled into 1moment, but it isn't as though noone will ever experience death but you - how is anything you say about suicide any different than anyone taking their last breath? Everyone dies, life will end if we want it to or not. Besides you sound plain angry, angry that other people are happy. That's sad.
    You're romanticing and you are good at it, i admit i understand your feelings but i very much doubt what you have written is reality. sorry.
  13. I-Died-In-My-Dream

    I-Died-In-My-Dream Well-Known Member

    He's lying. Don't mean to offend but he really shouldn't take credit for other peoples work. I have read that diary entry many times. Way back in 2006.

    here's proof http://lisa.thedoh.com/site/info/lisa/musings/lastentry <-----Created: 04 May 04 - Modified: 25 Jan 06.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Oh..I see, thanks for that hun :) :hug:
  15. To end pure emotional pain and agony.
  16. If i happend to remember correctly, i never said exactly when i wrote this, i just said "i wrote it a while back"(I Wrote this back in 1998). How do you know that i didnt create it? Doesnt it say on the top of that page Original author unknown? That link says someone had put a copyright on it, how do you know if that person stole my work and said that they truly created it? By the way i have found it on multiple sites and have posted messages, trying to convince them that i truly have created this peice. I really dont care if anyone claims ownership or says that i am i liar for copying other peoples work. Why convince the closed minded types, Its just a waste of effort and time its like talking to a tree. I have truly created it.

    Screw you if you still think im a liar.....
  17. bitterTears

    bitterTears New Member

    no need to explain yourself. some will believe you, some will not. at the end of the day you know whether you wrote it or not.

    anyways, its a great piece. it made me think.
  18. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    thats all in my head floating around bashing into thing. i completely agree
    i couldnt have said it better.

    the peace from all that writing. i can feel it.
  19. mike308

    mike308 Well-Known Member

    It takes great strength and courage to kill yourself.
    jump,shoot,cut,swallow. Heck a plastic bag works, so I am told.
    Next time I am thinking about making it look like an accident.:biggrin:
    I know "edit methods" sorry
    I tried once and failed. Have the scar to prove it.
    Still, walking that thin edge today.
    Nice words. Well written.
    I don't care whether you wrote it or not.
    Your point being YOU WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR FATE..
    Good luck with that.
    Death is a stern master,, once the decision is made...really made...there is no way back.
    But I am rambling, sitting in a DARK, COLD HOUSE, again with a glass of cheap wine and a handgun.
  20. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    Well, I don't really want to start an argument and add to the rough ride you're getting in this thread. But that really isn't a philosophical stance. It's just unhappiness.

    Regardless, I am really not sure where you're coming from, what you've written and what you haven't. But if you are here with real problems, if you want to voice them in a straightforward way, people will gladly help you.
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