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My suicide thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by justaguy14, Jul 22, 2010.

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  1. justaguy14

    justaguy14 Member

    Maybe this should be on the "let it all out" part of this forum.

    I've been thinking about suicide since I was 14...I'm 24 now. There is a history of suicide in my family.

    When I was 18 I had my first suicide scare, and had a knife on my wrist but didn't cut. Then I went to University, and every once in a while I'd have another scary moment where I just felt myself losing control.

    Over the past 2 years, since graduating, I've just slowly been sliding. I met my first love in my last year of University, but we broke up after graduation because we are from opposite sides of the country, and because she was concerned I wasn't part of her religious group.

    Her and I stayed in touch for almost two years after we split up. She always said she really didn't like not knowing if I was ok, and I just liked having her in my life.

    Now- every single dating or relationship forum in the world says that it was a terrible idea for her and I to stay in touch. And they may have a point. But at the same time, she knew about my previous depression, mental issues, and suicidal thoughts. She was really worried about me, and I didn't think it was fair to not stay in touch.

    The problem was, however, that I wasn't ok. I was falling apart. She wanted to know if I was ok, but the best part of my day was walking across a bridge and not jumping off, or driving a car without being scared and starting to cry.

    So I basically covered up the truth when I wrote her (we wrote letters). I didn't lie, but I'd only ever talk about the good stuff. And in a way, this really helped me because in writing her I would focus on the good stuff. And, just to be clear, the bad stuff didn't have anything to do with her...it has to do with like massive sexuality questions, religious questions, just like..you know, the big huge stuff. And just the constant, unknowable, pain I feel.

    Anyways, eventually my cracks started showing. The sort of cheery tone of my letters became clearly false, but at the same time, I didn't have the guts to say "look, I'm seriously really scared, because I think of suicide all the time, and have set a deadline in my head (27 years old), where if I'm not out of this pain, I'm gonna kill myself."

    So us staying in touch eventually fell apart. I wouldn't open up, and my letters seemed false. I think se took this as a sign of manipulation in terms of getting her back.

    Now, I wouldn't be averse to her coming back, but my honest intention in writing wasn't to convince her to come back to me...it was just to try to ease her mind about how I was doing. And in that sense, i was lying to her, because I didn't tell her how messed up I actually was.

    But anyways, after two years of contact, and my letters now bordering on the uber-desperate in how cheerful and confident I was sounding, she said she no longer saw a point in staying in touch.

    Her saying that was kind of the needle that broke the camels back. My thoughts of suicide went from semi-frequent to frequent to constant in the course of about a week. From that point on, which has now been about 4 months, I've been thinking of how/where/and when I'm going to do it.

    It's not that I hate myself, or anybody else, I just feel in pain all the time. I don't know what I'm thinking other than I want these suicidal thoughts to stop, cause they are so painful, and I've been living with them for my entire mature life.

    Anyways- a couple of nights ago I was back with a knife on my wrist, just totally and completely numb, crying my eyes out. I mean, absolutely terrified. I felt like I was going to die. I've had a moment like that everyday for almost 3 months.

    I've emailed her in the midst of it. Most of them are just "please keep talking to me", but occasionally I've actually gotten to "I'm really messed up and I need help". And in the last few weeks, I finally got all the way to "I'm scared I'm going to kill myself."

    She doesn't respond, as she said she no longer wanted to talk to me, most likely due to the fact she lost trust in me because my emails were so pathetic. So, basically, I'm now the crazy stalker-ex who appears to be threatening suicide to get her back. This makes me feel ridiculous and awful, as I actually do really care about her.

    And thinking I'm some horrible stalker has made things a million times worse. I google "stalker" and now I feel like I'm a delusional abuser. It's made me feel just that much more terrible about myself.

    But the thing is that I'm not delusional about how scared I am, or how real the thoughts of suicide are, or how constant they are. And I've reached out to my parents, my friends, a therapist, and these internet forums for help.

    I dunno. I sometimes feel like the definition of stalker that I'm placing on myself would be similar to saying a guy who got hit by a car is a stalker for crying out for help to the person busy walking their dog. I know I'm bothering her, but honestly, I'm just reaching out to anybody I can think of.

    No one believes me, I guess. I feel like the only time anybody will take my cry for help seriously is when I actually kill myself. I don't know how messed up I am, or how close I am. All I know is that I'm on suicide forms, and that I'm thinking of suicide all day, and I'm talking to friends and family about it, and that I'm scared. That's all I know.

    I'm just totally messed up, and I'm even reaching out for help now, and whether it be from a therapist or a parent or a best friend or a suicide form or a past girlfriend whom I seem to be stalking, I just don't seem to be getting any better. I seem to be just more of a burden, getting worse and worse and worse the more I ask for help and try to stop thinking about suicide.

    I just feel terrible. When I try and help myself, when I cry out, I feel like I'm just abusing people. And not just my ex, but everybody. I feel I'm harassing them.

    I just can't believe how scary it's getting.

    I told her I wouldn't write again, and I swore to God I wouldn't, because I think I'm abusing her. And my best friend says I should think about pills but I really don't want to do that.

    I'm just starting therapy, so maybe that will help. I'm just scared.
  2. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    I think medication would help you alot.

    My problem is physical so in a way meds can never help me.

    Don't you think you will meet someone else soon?

    Fate works in mysterious ways.

  3. justaguy14

    justaguy14 Member

    For me medication just seems scary- I think it'd make things worse not knowing if the happiness I feel is drug induced. I just think there has to be another way.

    I'd like to meet someone else soon, but it's been two years and I haven't. The biggest problem for me is that until I get healthier, I wouldn't dare drag somebody into the type of thoughts I'm in now. I don't know how you can meet somebody and form a functional relationship when you are thinking the types of thoughts I'm thinking. I'd feel irresponsible, though I think that line of thinking has just isolated me and made me feel worse.

    I hope fate gives me a break soon.
  4. paul777

    paul777 Well-Known Member

    Counselling perhaps? Get it all of your chest.

    I think fate will give you a break eventually.

    I would deffinately speak to your G.P though mate, and don't be too hard on yourself.

  5. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I think its great you are starting therapy. Give it some time. In the meantime write out all the pain and feelings here with us. Get it all out. I am praying for you and i hope you pray too. Dont forget prayer it has helped me always!!!!

    Give your friend some space and she may come back. Over time you will become less dependant and that may be good for you.

    PLEASE DONT EVER HURT YOURSELF. There is ALWAYS a solution. Give us your pain and we will give you hope and love!!!!

    Write me if you like,

  6. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    As far as the meds go, don't worry about them making you happy. They don't do that, at least mine don't. They brought everything back into balance for me. And therapy has helped tremendously. It is a continuous battle, but I will keep on fighting. I will continue attending and I will continue taking the meds, and if it doesn't seem like enough I will go see the shrink and get a different one or a higher dosage.

    Don't give up. it's not worth it. What's the accomplishment? Far bigger accomplishment is beating the depression. Getting a new relationship, bringing life back into balance.

    Yeah it hurts losing somebody, but there is always others. Who cares if it was 2 yrs ago? As far as the stalking thing goes, let her go. Quit holding on to something from the past you can't have again.

    Listen to your therapist, express everything to them, do not hold back. And keep coming back here, please. SF was a huge part of what changed my life. Let us help you too.
  7. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    Hi justaguy14. I just want you to know your not the only one suffering in this. I'm alot like you, im 24 and started feeling suicidal at 12 or 13. And I definitely have mental illness history and drug/alcohol abuse in my family, both sides. I know exactly how you feel with that girl dude. I had a girl I loved when I was younger, but it was a toxic relationship of depression and drugs for us both. She ended up cheating on me and it crushed my world dude, I was devastated. I was always calling or texting her because I felt like she was my only bond to this world, without her I couldn't cope anymore. But whenever she did bother to answer the phone she was always so hurtful. They were dark times indeed for me. Losing her was almost too much, and I found out later that she had attempted suicide twice after we quit talking. Ive been at that same moment as you so many times. Usually a gun to the head, and i've come so close but when that moment comes I always realized I didn't want to die, I just want change, and to feel better. I hope you find a way to keep going everyday, don't shun the meds. You suffer from an imbalance in the brain. Meds can bring it back into alignment. Its not your fault either. Be forewarned though, some meds can have negative effects, but if you stick with your doctor im sure you will find something that will work.

    "Been down so long it looks like up to me" Being depressed for 10 years I know you can relate to this too. There is another life for you, a healthy life. You just have to find the will to fight for it. Feel free to message me to talk if you want dude, its beneficial for both of us.
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Justaguy14, you don't sound like a stalker to me. Just someone with normal human attachments going through a very difficult time. I am surprised no one in real life is taking you seriously. I know people on here will. I am glad that you are here. When you get over this, you will find another girl where you can get a fresh start.

    This too will pass away, my friend. It always does.:hugtackles:
  9. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    I totally agree, your not a stalker, just someone trying to reach out for help from the person you once loved.
  10. justaguy14

    justaguy14 Member

    Thanks for the replies all.

    This forum has already been really helpful- not just responses to my own post, but reading other threads as well. It makes me feel less out-of-control, which ultimately is the best thing I can ask for at this point. Reading other peoples story's I also feel a lot for them, which has helped me realize how little I often look at my own story and say "I don't think you deserved to have to live like this."

    It's such a delicate balance, on perhaps a horrible battleground, between that point where you just say "because I'm in pain, I deserve to stay in pain" and "no, you deserve to actually try to get out."

    I'm not sure if any of you are into literature, but I thought a lot today about Marcel Proust's "In Search of Lost time". In a very basic nutshell, the book is about a guy trying to forgive himself for the time he spent suffering from neurosis and depression.

    That's how I feel sometimes. I'm so angry at myself for spending years of my life- especially my youth- generally alone and depressed. It's just a horrible cycle.

    Anyways. I'm glad a couple of you think I'm not a stalker. I'm not totally sure what to think about how I forced myself into her life like I have, but I know I've got to stop, and I am. I do, very much, hope to one day to speak to her and know that she doesn't think I'm some horrible crazy person...and I'm worried that won't ever happen...but life does go on.

    Thanks again all.
  11. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Keep coming back and writing things out!!!! My prayers are with you~~~~
  12. justaguy14

    justaguy14 Member

    Thanks Marty. I know that some people aren't into prayer, but it certainly means something to me.

    I guess I am just gonna keep talking on here. It's making me feel better.

    Things just seem surreal. Even the smallest bright spot of my day- this forum has been it the last couple days- turns into this huge deal. When I feel better, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I get scared mostly, because I think I start waiting for the massive crash that always seems to happen.

    There are lots of posts about the nature of this, but the thoughts I'm having of suicide just scare me so badly. I don't know how close I am, or if I'm even close at all, or anything really. The thoughts make me feel sick to my stomach, and exhausted.

    I'm just so tired, and feel like I'm in captivity. Everything just hurts so badly. I keep trying to reach out to people, but other than one friend who gets what I'm talking about, people I talk to get angry at me for being this way. Sort of a "well if you are so damn miserable, why don't you just kill yourself" tough-love sort of response.

    There are a lot of times when I just think...this can't be happening to me. I think that's where some forms of self-violence starts coming into play. I'll bash my head against the edge of a couch, for example, just to feel something. To try and snap my way out of it. I think that cutting yourself is the next step up, and I've been close. I've used knives on my fingers to just sort of prick, but never really sliced.

    I just want to be snapped out of it. I know there's no miracle cure, but I just want to get to that moment where I can honestly KNOW that I'm turning the corner. I've had so many false starts now, so much hope that turned into to just nothing. I've felt on the verge of being ok for so long, but now I just feel so far away from being healthy that I just am giving in.

    And then the days keep rolling on, and ten minutes from now I'll be a totally different person, thinking different thoughts, maybe even feeling healthy.

    I just want everything to stop. That sounds pretty dark, I guess, but I do. I just want to not feel so terrible, just for a moment, just to remember what it's like. I truly can't anymore.
  13. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im still praying for you and urge you to do so when things get bad. It always saves me. Are you in therapy? Also consider group therapy and 12 step programs. Try to enjoy the good days and dont worry about the feelings leaving they always coem and go. Try to plan for the bad days. Maybe get books you like aqnd wait for the bad days to start reading them or buy specail food for those times or other things you like. Save them for the bad days. Have some kind of plan to default to when they come.Keep praying though. Pray for the right guidance and the right therapy and people in your life. Change will come and it will be good!!!!

  14. justaguy14

    justaguy14 Member

    I started cutting myself the past few days. Not huge ones, but enough to draw blood on my arms. It's addicting and when I'm not doing it I sort of can't wait to get back to it.

    I feel pretty much done. I'm so full of just rage and anger, and I don't even know who it's directed at anymore, and it takes all of my energy not to treat other people like total crap. We've been talking about prayer, but last night I went to bed praying to die, and when I woke up this morning I just got angry. Literally every second of every day is consumed by this suicide stuff now, and I'm just losing control. When I cut myself today I was just walking by the kitchen and then thought "why not" and away I went.

    I give up. I don't know what that means.
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