My Swan Song.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by play.radioplay, May 24, 2010.

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  1. Im not writing this for attention, or help. I simply write this so that someone, something, someday may learn, and may be able to hold on for that extra day i was unable too.

    These feelings i had started years ago, when my mother first exposed her drug addictions to me, and had me sell her drugs for her, when i was in junior high school, and my dad spread his alcoholism through the family. By the middle of junior high i was smoking pot everyday, drinking at school, and at home. I started to loose friends, and in the process gain friends from the wrong areas. I started to gain friends in gangs, and other druggies. But i felt good about it at the time, as they were people i could relate too.

    My mother also has mutilple personality disorder, as well as being a compulsive liar made for an interesting, if thats the word well use for arguments sake divorce when my parents split, my dad when from girlfriend, to girlfriend, to girlfriend, often treating me poorly in the process, whether it was turning on the alarm, so i couldn't leave the basement without it going off, or simply ignoring me, and with my mothers brainwashing, i attempted suicide, and saw a phycatrist, in which my drug problems became apparent.

    With the drug problems, and suicide attempt i became an outcast from my family, they treated my different, and my mom stated on a few occasion's that she didn't want me around, and that i wasn't planned for. In which case i made another attempt, which was thwarted by a friend, or at least i thought she was a friend. i started telling her the thoughts and feelings i really felt and went through on a daily basis, and in grade 10 she finally told me i needed professional help, and stopped talking to me, along with all our other friends. I tried to move on, and thats when i lost two friends, in the same week of my birthday to a car accident. At that time, i dove heavily into alcoholism, and my anger from everything previous came out, i started fighting lots, i was removed from 5 high schools due to this, as well as started hanging out with gangs more and more.

    This continued for months and months, Until i found another friend, who helped, or tried to pull me out of the rut i was in, and get me on the straight and narrow. I then fell for her, in which everything fell apart. it pushed her away, that same month, i came home from work to find my dads house empty, as i was to find out later he moved to another city without telling me, forcing me to move back into my moms. where ever since then, life just went downhill, i continued fighting, whenever i could.

    After i was jumped by some members of another gang, and ended up in the hospital because of it, i realized something had to give, and that something was me, another attempt at suicide, in hopes of ending all the past, and what was to come in the future.

    While living with my mom, she went through many boyfriends, one of which, while being high molested/raped me, while my mom slept, and then, i tried to tell her, but she took his side, and kicked me out. From there i lived on the streets for a few months, before she took me back in, that night, i made her boyfriend leave, because my rage was so built up, i exploded, and ended up breaking his jaw, nose, and orbital bone. My mother beat me with a wine bottle after she came home and found out, and to this day blames me, for everything that ever went wrong in her life, past present and future.

    And that brings us to present day, multiple friend deaths, abuse, rape, and struggling with addiction brings me to the point where i am at today. Today is the day everything ends for me, But i wanted someone, if anyone is going through the same stuff, to know that you are not alone, their are people who care, and that you can confide in. I dont have those people, those support networks, ive pushed them away with my anger. So i choose to end this pain, and anger i live with, and that has consumed me.

    Always remember, you are not alone.

  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry Jesse you've had such a terrible time at the hands of those who are supposed to keep you safe......
    i wish I could say something to make you stay.....
    you're young enough to start again.....we care here and will offer support and try to help you...
    please reconsider your choice...there can be better things ahead for you..
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is so sad Jesse, but does not mean that any of this is is difficult to acknowledge that you did nothing wrong, but worth the work...please stay here and see if you truly can become that swan...please also PM me if I can be of any help...big hugs, J
  4. I thank you two for your kind words, But unfortunately my time is here, as the sun rises, i shall fall.

    Thank you again for your words.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :sad: :blub: :awww: :missyou:

    I wish you weren't going...
  6. I wrote this awhile ago, and this thursday i got out of the hospital, and decided to give things another shot, maybe they would get better, i got out of the hospital to find out that i am apparently moving to calgary with my father, since none of my family here wants me, and the arrangements have been made, all i have to do is drive down there.

    I am still very much in a crisis situation, as i dont plan on making it to calgary. i tried to give it another shot, was thrown this ball, along with allot of drama from so called friends, and realized i simply,

    I Am Not Welcome In This World.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member first I was so pleased to see you had help and are still here...but as I kept reading I'm sad again.....:sad:
    isn't it better that you get to live with your Dad?...I don't think you should be with your mum again....
    this could be the start of a new life for you in a different place .....
    I wish you'd give it a go at least for a can't hurt..after all you are going to end your life so might as well see how it goes with your dad've got nothing to lose really..
    if you don't think you can cope maybe you should get more help....
    I know you've had a tough life but you have a chance to give it another go...:hugtackles:
  8. Jesse

    Your posts are heartbreakingly honest.

    Is there anyone out there that is looking out for you? Do you have brothers/sisters or anyone else?

    The thing that stands out from your post is a feeling of being trapped. Very much so. It's probably not a particuarly helpful observation.

    But, being realistic, is there anyway that you can see any sort of future for yourself. Can you picture what obtainable goals might be, staying v.much within the bounds of realism?

    Would you rather be around people (specifically family) or would you rather try and go it alone (living independantly etc)? Is this even a possibility (I have no idea how old you are)? Are you too unwell?

    Is there anything you can do to re-establish any element of control in your life (I ask myself the same question daily right now! Sometimes it will be little tiny things, like getting out of bed, out the house etc etc)

    Anyway, I sincerely wish you all the best. You sound like you have had a life from hell and you are brave, beyond brave, to be looking for something else.

  9. My dad beat me, and was an alcoholic, and then moved to calgary without my knowledge when i was in Junior High School. Came home one day and found an empty house.

    As for getting more help, Ive had two psychiatrists call me a liar, and one phycologist turn me away based upon one session.

    I don't have any family, other then my mom, dad, and grandparents, and my grandparents are doing everything in their power to remove me from the house. I really dont see any future for myself. at all. I have tried living on my own, and i cant afford it, i am turning 20 this year. As for being too unwell, more then likely at this state, as i haven't been 100% sober in over three days now.
  10. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    No matter what, when I wake up again you're still gonna be here :(.

    Try to reconsider, even though I can't imagine being in your situation :(
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I don't think not being sober for 3 days is gonna help...just make you feel worse...
    I hope you'll think about going to your Dads and giving him another chance...if he's offering you a place to stay things may be changing for the can only try....:smile: :hug:
  12. hes not offering it, its his house or the street.
    i really dont know what to do anymore, im sorry.
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Jesse keep can do this ...
    try your Dads for a while's gotta be way better than the streets..
    while you're there get some help from a GP about resources you can use to help you.....maybe you can find a place of your own away from the family in time....
    I'm not sure where you are so maybe theres others on here who could give you more specific info on help in your area...
    please keep talking to us so we can support you ...:hug:
  14. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    Good luck and stay strong sweetheart :stars: xx
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    How you doing Jesse?..
  16. im still here i guess
    its not going well, my drinking as increased, aswell as my drug intake.
    i really dont know what to do other then bury everything.
  17. im sorrrthy
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    want to talk about it???..
    has anything changed with your living arrangements?.
    I wish you don't drink and take drugs never helps in the long term...just gives you more problems...
  19. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Jesse,

    I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear about what you've gone through. You are a brave person to get past that. Please don't forget to pray. I was once in a situation where I thought I was going to be homeless and the night before I prayed with all my soul and the next day money came from out of the blue and saved me. This will happen to you too.PLEASE try to pray.

    Have you tried any 12 step groups? A.A. and N.A. and all the other groups are great. You hear others peoples stories and get inspired and helped and others hear your story. And you help them .Think about it. GIVE IT A TRY.
    You will get a whole new world of friends and people who care that will help you. When you are down you will have people to turn to who will offer real help and you wont be dependant on others in your life.

    You have been through so much and are a special soul. Often the wolrd attacks the best people with the most good in them. You are probably much greater than you know. When your trial ends you will see what a great soul you are. I pray your trial ends tonight. I wil pray again now.

    Please write me. I'm here if you need a friend.

  20. This is an update, Jesse currently is in the the ISU because of a suicide attempt.
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