Im not writing this for attention, or help. I simply write this so that someone, something, someday may learn, and may be able to hold on for that extra day i was unable too. These feelings i had started years ago, when my mother first exposed her drug addictions to me, and had me sell her drugs for her, when i was in junior high school, and my dad spread his alcoholism through the family. By the middle of junior high i was smoking pot everyday, drinking at school, and at home. I started to loose friends, and in the process gain friends from the wrong areas. I started to gain friends in gangs, and other druggies. But i felt good about it at the time, as they were people i could relate too. My mother also has mutilple personality disorder, as well as being a compulsive liar made for an interesting, if thats the word well use for arguments sake divorce when my parents split, my dad when from girlfriend, to girlfriend, to girlfriend, often treating me poorly in the process, whether it was turning on the alarm, so i couldn't leave the basement without it going off, or simply ignoring me, and with my mothers brainwashing, i attempted suicide, and saw a phycatrist, in which my drug problems became apparent. With the drug problems, and suicide attempt i became an outcast from my family, they treated my different, and my mom stated on a few occasion's that she didn't want me around, and that i wasn't planned for. In which case i made another attempt, which was thwarted by a friend, or at least i thought she was a friend. i started telling her the thoughts and feelings i really felt and went through on a daily basis, and in grade 10 she finally told me i needed professional help, and stopped talking to me, along with all our other friends. I tried to move on, and thats when i lost two friends, in the same week of my birthday to a car accident. At that time, i dove heavily into alcoholism, and my anger from everything previous came out, i started fighting lots, i was removed from 5 high schools due to this, as well as started hanging out with gangs more and more. This continued for months and months, Until i found another friend, who helped, or tried to pull me out of the rut i was in, and get me on the straight and narrow. I then fell for her, in which everything fell apart. it pushed her away, that same month, i came home from work to find my dads house empty, as i was to find out later he moved to another city without telling me, forcing me to move back into my moms. where ever since then, life just went downhill, i continued fighting, whenever i could. After i was jumped by some members of another gang, and ended up in the hospital because of it, i realized something had to give, and that something was me, another attempt at suicide, in hopes of ending all the past, and what was to come in the future. While living with my mom, she went through many boyfriends, one of which, while being high molested/raped me, while my mom slept, and then, i tried to tell her, but she took his side, and kicked me out. From there i lived on the streets for a few months, before she took me back in, that night, i made her boyfriend leave, because my rage was so built up, i exploded, and ended up breaking his jaw, nose, and orbital bone. My mother beat me with a wine bottle after she came home and found out, and to this day blames me, for everything that ever went wrong in her life, past present and future. And that brings us to present day, multiple friend deaths, abuse, rape, and struggling with addiction brings me to the point where i am at today. Today is the day everything ends for me, But i wanted someone, if anyone is going through the same stuff, to know that you are not alone, their are people who care, and that you can confide in. I dont have those people, those support networks, ive pushed them away with my anger. So i choose to end this pain, and anger i live with, and that has consumed me. Always remember, you are not alone. Signed, Jesse. 1990-2010.