Through my own bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts I think I have developed an analogy to explain how I feel. It seems modern life always has an upkeep. Certain things you have to pay monthly to continue to live. Rent, car, utilities, etc. Its kind of like being forced to make payments on something you never decided to buy in the first place. Why do I have to keep paying for the costs of life, I never decided to buy life in the first place. and the only way to cancel my "subscription" to life is to end it.