My Tale of Woe...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Notlovinglife, May 21, 2014.

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  1. Notlovinglife

    Notlovinglife New Member

    First of all, I need to say that I am happy to have found this forum. I am not suicidal, have never attempted it, and currently do not plan on harming myself, however, I do know that I need some sort of help because I do think about it often. I have never been happy in life, and I do not forsee a happy future either. My purpose of joining this forum is so that I can vent about these horrible feelings I have to others who will understand. I don't want to be mistaken as one who is seeking attention, or who is negative...most of my 'loved' ones do not take me seriously and they give me generic advice such as "Get over it", "This will pass". ect. ect. It is irritating because they don't get it. is my story. (Sorry that it is so long).

    My entire life has been one bad thing after another. Admittedly, some of this is my own fault through bad decisions. As a child, I was bullied. I had very little friends, and I have been depressed as long as I can remember. I never held any amount of self esteem, and my parents weren't very supportive. I know, boohoo, right? It gets worse.
    Because of the lack of love I received as a child. (Alcoholic dad, Mother who did nothing but scream and yell), I ended up searching for love from others at a very young age. At the age of 15, I had my first boyfriend and was pregnant by 16. I grew up in a racist family and was disowned by 90% of them because I refused to get an abortion. So there I was, a mother at age 16, on welfare. No High school diploma, no job, no license or car, living off the system. I ended up having 2 more kids by the same boyfriend. I thought he loved me and that we would be married. I was wrong. He became abusive, and cheated on me. My low self esteem kept me holding on because I didn't feel like I could do better. This relationship ended when he left me for another woman when I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child. There I was, alone with 3 kids. No help.
    Eventually, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I got my GED, a license, car, even went to college. However, I have been living off of the system my entire life. No matter how broke I am or how much I struggle, I cannot seem to find (or keep) a job. I get depressed and sometimes It is a job just getting out of bed.
    Anyway, at 21, I met a new man and we managed to carry on a 12 year relationship. It was a rocky one, but we loved each other and he accepted my children as his own. One night, at age 33, he went to sleep, and never woke up. This was 4 years ago and I swear I feel as if I died when he did. To make matters worse, At his funeral, his family who once cared about my children and me, decided to cut us off completely. I was left to grieve on my own. I never sought counseling for this because I didn't think it would work.
    His death was 4 years ago and I have yet to find another meaningful relationship. In fact, I have become a complete hermit. I hate leaving the house. I stopped communicating with friends and after awhile, they got tired of trying to cheer me up and they all moved on with their lives. I literally have nobody in my corner. My children, for the most part, are adults now. My oldest has a child of her own. However, they run me down. They wont even help with housework without a household fight. It seems as if the world has abandoned me.
    If this weren't bad enough, I drove myself into debt with student loans (almost 70,000.00) and I don't ever see myself being able to pay them back. I graduated with an associates degree in 2011, but I have yet to find a decent job. I have a car that barely runs, I am still on Section 8, and the one job I DID find, I got laid off after a year. My credit score is so low that I can't even rent an apartment. I even owe the IRS! I feel like a deadbeat!
    Finally, I am addicted to Xanax. My doctor prescribed them to me when my boyfriend died and I have been on them 4 years. Since then, the doctor has me taking 4mg a day and then he lost his medical license. My new doctor tried to cut me off cold turkey and I suffer from horrible withdrawals. It is embarrassing because I am treated like some sort of addict, even though this is the only addiction issue I have. I am afraid that I am going to be on Xanax for life and it has taken over completely.
    I HATE to leave the house. I cant even handle a quick trip to the store. I have no help at all, and I spend most of my time in my room laying in my bed. I think of suicide often because I see no hope for my life. I am almost 40 years old and I have not done anything to progress in life at all. Time just kind of flew by. I feel like I will never find a decent way of living. I will always be in debt, I am scared to death that one day I will end up homeless. I don't even have life insurance or car insurance because I cannot afford it.
    Recently, the past 4 months or so have been miserable. I was forced to move from my home and now I am living in a bad area, in a junky house. My car broke down and I was forced to take a different car that could very well die on me at any moment. I was forced to move during the same month that I was laid off from the only job I ever felt comfortable at. And to top it all off, my only comfort, my Dog, got really sick and had to be put down. So this past February, I lost my home, my job, my car, and my dog all in a matter of weeks. I had to move all by myself because I have no one to help me. And I have gained about 40 lbs in the past 6 months or so, which really hits my self esteem.
    I see no reason for happiness. I try to read my Bible and Pray, but I cant rid myself of the deep despair I feel. I miss my deceased boyfriend and my deceased dog so bad that I still cry daily, and I don't know what to do. I don't try to commit suicide, however, I do hope that one day I could just go in my sleep. I actually feel jealous of people who pass away. I think about death daily. I am scared to death of my future and I don't know how to fix my issues that leave me with no hope.
    The things I used to find fun, I hate now. I have no interest in friends, relationships, or spending time with anyone, yet at the same time I am lonely. I am miserable. Any feedback is appreciated.
  2. redrobin62

    redrobin62 Active Member

    Hi. I, too, am lonely as hell. I go to AA/NA meetings but I don't really talk to anyone there because I can't make small talk and I'm extremely shy by nature. A few days ago I had to put my cat in an animal shelter because I'll be leaving this apartment in about a week and she wouldn't have been able to come with me. I'm losing this apartment because the rent went up by $150. I have gout in my legs so I'm hoping to get on disability this year. In the meantime I do nothing. Since I have no friends I don't go anywhere - no movies, no restaurants, no parks, no museums, nothing. I just sleep to pass the time away. Sometimes I look at Smurfs cartoons. I can definitely relate to your pain because I'm in the same boat. I really wish I could help you out.
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