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My therapist won't see me and I'm frightened

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hazel Morse, Oct 27, 2015.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    I find myself hurling towards death. I think it's inevitable, and it's coming to the point where I feel like I have no choice but to kill myself. I'm very frightened.

    It's been over eight years since I lost my support network: job, boyfriend, then what few friends I had (all met through bf because I couldn't make them on my own) and my family (who wanted me to marry bf and gave up on me). For nearly six years I've managed to hold down a job teaching at the Worst School in the World, exiled from my country. I can't even have a pet here, and the loneliness is killing me.

    Over the last year and a half I've tried to better myself, trying to get a job back in Australia. I've been seeing a psychologist (via Skype since there are none in this country).

    Like the piece of shit I've always been, last week I panicked, made the worst decision of my life that will prevent me from ever getting back home. I argued with my psychologist and I think he won't see me again - he's been scheduling sessions for times when he knows I'm unavailable.

    I can't work effectively now and my supervisors are going to find any excuse to fire me - so basically I will never be able to get a job ever again. I will have nothing and will be forced to kill myself anyway. I'm so tempted to do it now and end the suspense.

    (Please don't be offended if I don't always reply right away. It's 2 AM here and I may fall asleep accidentally)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If you have a mental illness they cannot just fire you talk to someone your union rep and get supports in place to help you Your psychologist you book the appt ok you are paying for it you book time you need to talk to him or get a new psychologist one that is available to you more over net
  3. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Hazel, I have to reply to your post again. I can totally relate, going exactly through the same. Also afraid of people monitoring my work because i said something about my issues to company psychologist in a moment of crisis. Im afraid shes going to take actions to get rid of me. I am not doing my work well now either. I also feel like i want to die. But I dont really want to. Dont succumb to the feeling either. You can get through this. And i must believe i can too. But im in total panick. Most importantly, dont tell anyone at work what you are going through, dont admit how bad you're feeling. Sorry that your psychllogist seems to be avoiding you. There could be a slight possibility that he/she really isnt available on suitable days... but he/she might as well really doing it and in that case that sucks and hurts. They are people like all others anyway, will leave you when it gets too uncomfortable.. :( Hope you can get though this, fingers crossed.
  4. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, here in the worker's paradise there is no Union. And this school has malaciously gone after people they don't like. I'm terrified of everyone & feel extra stupid for putting myself in this situation. This is my 3rd attempt to escape and I think the only way out is death.
  5. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Terrified that I cannot find anyone else. It took so long to find a decent psychologist who did not threaten or ignore me. And like you I can't go to the expat clinic associated with the school b/c I know for a fact my supervisors snoop on what we go in for.

    Right now I'm at work trying to keep it together...I know everything's going to blow up soon, it will not be pretty.
  6. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Hope you are coping Hazel. For me it's not going so well either. Feel a lot of pressure at work. And I do more mistakes because of that. It's not pleasant at all. It's like secondary school again. I thought that won't happen to me again. Have you found a psychologist yet? For me my psychologist is the only person who is still nice. Hope you are going ok, but I guess it's not getting much easier, it's a long struggle.
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