My Thoughts about Self-Harm

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Makou, Jul 24, 2008.

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  1. Makou

    Makou New Member

    I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who has thought about hurting themselves.

    I... guess it began about 2 years ago, when I had my first real threat from my step dad; we got in some petty argument and, given his anger problems (he never went to any management, despite our family's pleas), he started yelling at me about eating food I hadn't refrigerated. Now, I know I was in the wrong, but I didn't see why he was always laying such verbal abuse on me. And I snapped. Called him a bastard, and walked downstairs to the garage. My step dad quickly said he'd disown me, then he charged down to meet me as I was wearing my shoes. He raised his hand and said he was going to hit me, but my mother held his hand back. Then, he said he'd forgive me if I got down on my knees, bowed my head, and asked for forgiveness. I knew that if I did that, I'd lose all respect for me, him, and my family

    ...So I said no.

    My mother pleaded that I reconsider, and this was the first time she betrayed me. Told me, directly, to do as my step dad said. I said no again, turned my back, and left.

    My step dad went upstairs for some reason or another, and my mother followed. Since my house has an alarm system, I opened the door to indicate that I had "left" the house, and quickly double-backed into the garage, and then into the wine cellar. In the wine cellar... there was this small. I can't really describe it, but... a very odd door. About 3 by 3 (ft), I think. I crawled into that and closed the door. When I had heard them leave in the car, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and tried to kill myself for the first time.

    But... I was too much of a coward, and in the end, I bit on my pride--something that I can honestly say effected me for the worse. This was an event that... really changed my outlook on life, really changed my beliefs on my family. Everything that came afterward was a rejection, a self-taught lie for me to continue moving on in the family. I lied to myself that I was happy. I continued the lie that I had everything... and as a result... a few years after that, the parents are divorced, and I'm seriously considering suicide, if not, at least, self-harm. For some reason, I see cuts all over my body, and I don't... recognize them from anything. Am... I seriously hurting myself in my sleep? I don't know... all I know is that this isn't the entire story, but it's a reference for those who want to help.

    I... don't really feel alive anymore. Pain seems to put things in perspective for me, but only for a little while. It's... sort of... sad.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2008
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so glad you are with us...please continue to post about how you are feeling...knowing you are not alone does lessen the pain...go into chat, PM someone...there are so many ppl here who understand how you are feeling...big hugs, J
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Hey Mokou, i just wanted to say i read this. I'm not sure what to say, i'm never that much good at things involving families because one side of my head chants that you must always respect your parents but i've been blessed with great parents so it is easy for me to respect them as they respect me also. It sounds like your step dad does not respect you and due to that he probably doesn't listen to what you say. Usually i'd say talk to your parents but you've probably tried this, but still maybe you can take your mum aside for an hour or two and tell her how you are feeling? It is reasonable for people to go into denial about things, i was in denial for many years, but i think you are coming to the cross-roads where you realise that it is just not possible anymore. I don't know how old you are or how your family really functions but it sounds like it is difficult for you coming to terms with the difficulties in your family.
    Please do not start self harming, i promise you that it will not help or solve any of your problems, it just brings out the worst. I do understand that feeling when you cannot bare anymore, and pure anger and despair can overtake you but please try and talk to your mother or your GP or a friend. I think the first step is for you to be able to talk instead of pretending.
    take care.
  4. tyciol

    tyciol Member

    Hm, cowardice is usually when you avoid doing something you know you should do out of fear. I wouldn't call it cowardice for not hurting yourself. We tend to know that hurting ourself is a pointless and bad idea, thus we back down out of appreciation of wisdom and gaining control over emotions, not out of cowardice.
  5. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    Its possible to hurt yourself in your sleep. I used to wake up with horrible bruises on my hands, for months they would be black, blue, purple, green, and yellow from fresh and old bruises. I wasn' SH then and couldn't figure out WHY it was happening. I switched from mod metal bunk beds to a full bed and I stopped getting them. I realized I must have been banging them REALLY hard on the metal ladder while asleep- yet NEVER knew.

    I can't really help with anything of meaning, but I feel like SH often traps you. Like, it helps and you do it when you 'need it' at first, then you crave it, then it no longer helps you cope but you still need it. that might not be wht you need.
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I am glad you have found sf and have poste on here. It helps alot. :hug: I hope you can feel better soon.
  7. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    this is so true hun, you were strong to not hurt yourself, not week.

    I went through hell with my family and it takes a long time to deal with that. IF you ever want to chat, PM me
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