My thoughts and experiences

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sick2deth, Jul 26, 2015.

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  1. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    My feelings started this way when I was a small child I'm sure manifesting themselves in a more clear manner when I was a teenager, Growing up or lack of it didn't help and ever since then have had the notion that I never asked to be born. It was a decision that wasn't even on the table for me to read over. From this led to feelings that why am I bothering to draw breath and that I don't wish to be here anymore. I've been down the road of "dusting myself down and trying again" and I do still find the energy to have a go but it's primarily futile and still wrenches back to feelings of not wishing to be here. My reasons building up over the years to this for me are private and I don't wish to discuss them here in public, But they are valid reasons enough and I can justify to myself at least why I feel this way. Adult life has done me no favours and I'm worse now than I have ever been, I'm not what some might call depressed because I find my life to be so hilariously ridiculous that even I have to laugh it off somehow. It's like when you see someone in a movie experience something terrible, It's that giggle like...OH my god, Poor sod...That is my life or how I perceive it. I guess I make a joke out of it all and try to reel back a little self respect. I even kinda resent my parents for giving birth to me and I feel bad enough about that, They love each other and bore me because they wanted a child together. There is only thing that stops the cycle of crap, Which is shutting myself away, Not leaving the house and disconnecting from people entirely...It's the only other alternative.
     
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    None of us has a choice as to being born or not. I came close not to being born. My parents wanted only 2 children. The first one was still born. I would not be here if that child had survived. I really wish he had lived.

    As to shutting ones self off from the world. I do that as much as I can, but I do have to work for a living. That forces me out. But I am so much more comfortable being alone. That way I don't have to cope with others and they don't have to cope with me.
     
  3. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    I leave the house to work, Walk the dog or spend time by the river. Otherwise I'm on my own. Occasionally one of my friends will drag me out for a day. I try to do stuff but I often change my mind and make excuses to stay at home.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter


    This is so me and my friend that suffer from depression. We make plans for further days and never follow up on it or one leaves the other down. I think it's definitely depression and decision making at fault here it is interesting that you do this too. Anyway I hope you are able to change that. Going down by the river sounds cool and relaxing, maybe write your feelings down when you are down there or take some pictures to make it more enjoyable :)
     
  5. sick2deth

    sick2deth Well-Known Member

    I don't do so well around people so it's best most of the time if I stay indoors, I'm a bit of a hermit in that respect. If I get asked out I make excuses as I don't like crowd environments...I'll happily sit on my own in a quiet pub though. I guess I'm just avoiding meeting people and having to engage them. I think I scare the crap out of people. I know this will pass but I hate it all the same. I just don't have a connection with any other human being...Even my friends I feel lost too sometimes. I mean today was a good day, I still feel like a freak of nature because I can't make a connection. I know it will happen one day on it's own possibly. I try to look at what I have instead of what I haven't got and it still makes no odds. Pissed off and lonely. Yes the river is my place to relax as there are rarely any people there, No cars...Just natural sounds..Peace!
     
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