My thoughts are spinning out of control

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by justMe7, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure if you know what I mean. It's not like possibilities are out of control, it's like everything that means something is getting lost in that motion of possibilities.

    Idk im very low right now, but this is.. where i am. I dont feel normal unless Im low, but it's never stationary, it's always lower.. and lower. Like i need to feel something new all the time, something real. And happyness is just an illusoin to me. I don't know how to feel happy, but i know how to feel bad, or wrong.
    I'm getting lost in it. I just don't have the energy to try, or I dont feel the energy to want to try. I fuck up on everything.. i hate relating to people, because they know fuck all about what im feeling, cause if u knew what iwas feeling ... meh i guess my problems are pretty simple in comparison, but yeah it's all about the individual and everythings important and yadda.. but it's not in reality. It's all compared and ... has to fit into everything else and its just.. i dont see a point. I cant have afamily, i cant a partner, i cant have friends, i cant have a life... im like that sugar coated rotten apple, except i dont make out im sugar coated, i just .. attract people because im understanding and non definitve to who they are.. but drain the life out of them because ... idk. idk why i dont try. whats the point the ends my destination, the experiences are something i cant experience.. probably because im too stupid to do things right or i hinder myself just in the precise way to handicapp myself, or my ego inflates beyond my capabilities.
    im tired... i haTe I HATE feeling things, ideas and dreams that I CANNOT experience. I hate being this way, i hate fucking everything up. i hate only finding myself after beating myself up so much.. i hate feeling vulnerable and LOWER than everyone else. I hate that youre fucking opinons are what I need because I cant fucking think for myself. I hate youre fucking opinons because theyre so FUCKING STUPID. i hate how irrational i feel and how logical i think. I hate the contradictions and compelling desire to destroy or see the worst in things because im terrified of ruining someone elses life up.
    now im so embarassed by my own life im..

    Why.. how come 90% of the day im underneath everything.. and then when i want to feel me.. im so negative. I wont be happy until i am just about to die and i scream and fight for that last breath with everything taht i am. It's like, in the darkest worst parts i come alive, but in survial.. like it stimulates who i am, forcing me to wake up and feel with everything. You know i fucking could feel normal with someone else.. but you know what will happen. I'll get comfortable. Like i always do with everything, i lose the apprication. Then get lost in a haze.

    Now im just meh. This constant mood flowing.. trying to find a center that is me.. trying to show my sad centre a different perspective that i can aim for.. ... it wont let go.

    Man fuck life. Sorry... really personal and stupid thread. You know along time ago, this sort of personal exposure would have concerned me... now .. ive bent and lost so much energy that i just.. cant care. Perhaps dont. Can't is an avoidence of responsibility and blaming my issues on something else, when clearly my issues are all self created that have compiled over the years.

    I just hate this feeling that I know i have to keep people away. Yet i post here, which conteracts that. ... sigh. I dream one step up, i get help and love and lift 10 more steps... then crash 100 steps when that care is threatened in my head. It's rediculous. It's scary because im like one flowing thought and if i dont stop it, everything just "fits" into place. No matter how that is. Except i cant handle whats happening around me. At all...
    I hate being right about myself.. steals the best parts of life away from me. Steals the best people away from me.. Steals everything away.
    Own worst enemy i guess...
  2. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Typical lost soul :p ... ah we all speak in our own way. Too bad all that shit has nothing to do with who i am. :) It's just the crap on the outside. Gaining a perspective through all of it is difficult. Speaking of everything around but not at the heart of it. Dont think a post can ever do it. Just helps avoid a moment that can go wrong I guess.

    Whatever. Gotta keep going. Gotta fix this shit around me somehow.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I used to get dizzy standing still, which is how much I felt out of control...just could not sort out which voice in my head was the main one of the chorus, so to say...have you tried talking to someone about this? I found that rather helpful...J
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I dont particularly trust people or their opinons to be honest. It's difficult for me. On here, I can just .. be me. Im not like this anywhere else. Whenever I try to talk with people they have this confused look on their face, or their presence makes me panic and i alterhow I feel. I don't enjoy talking because it solidifies my thoughts which are like this. On here, I can keep things moving and bring myself out of it, but in the presence of another person.. it burns into me, and with these sorts of thoughts, the combination is too much. It's like your opinon here. I breathe it in lightly and without prejudice. As best as i can.

    No. Sorry. Simply no I dont talk to anyone. I don't want to tbh. I'm still alive inside, ive not completely buried myself with despair, so I can still bring and find my way out of this myself. Sometimes it's just nice to be heard, without being defined. Even though in my head i accept that im off my twat and nuts here to some people, which is a burn that I think is appriopriate. It allows me to feel that this way of thinking of feeling isn't normal. But it doesn't burn and humilate meso much that im actually hurt by opening up to someone. My head literally couldnt take false caring tbh. Here.. no one really has to post. If they do cool. If they don't cool.
    idk how to explain it.

    Ikinda know what you mean. For me, cause im not living my life the way I should, things are clogging up and racing around creating their own rythm in my head. Breaking through that cycle, but also respecting the reasons for the creation of that cycle is difficult. I could easily say it doesnt matter.. but it all matters, which.. fuels that cycle. .. I gain a foot hold at times, but usually after i post a raving lunatic post.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have tried to suspend judgement about my thoughts and such, because I used to keep a score card about whether they were OK or they are all me, and that is OK...if you change your mind, and you want someone on here to talk to, my PM box is always open...being understood, does have its advantages, and since I know how damn imperfect I am, I usually am rather accepting (to clarify, my only intolerance,as such, are haters)...J
  6. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    :) well i agree, regardless, i know my thoughts arent crazy. they're just.. Un-anchored. Cause there's little substance to get in the way of a negative free flowing thought, they can easily go from, my days shit, to like all alldays, to everyday, to all time, to fuck that im gonna do something about it. What direction that goes to in the end is dependant on what I believe. Right now everythings.. wavey. Nothings concrete and everytime i start getting something concrete, something will pull me away from it, or I will rip into myself or screw it up. So it kinda loses it's substance. It's just my rythm tbh. It's gone a bit.. wonky. Probably because i've eroded alot of dreams and things I normally do so that they hold no substance. bla blah Grapes :p

    :) I appriciate the offer. Idk.. tbh haters are easier to deal with sometimes. Their own ignorance and false sense of "understandings" of the situation makes them easier to deal with because they're upfront with their opinons. Gives me pause I guess to understand another persons perspective :p generally just a waste of time though.
    You know I dont think i really want to be understood..just respected as a human being for whomever I choose to be. Problem is I have to be that, and who I am is.. fuck me.. not what I want. So .. other peoples opinons are kinda minute and just get in the way except in general concept. You cant exactly be who you are with direction from someone else.
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We can agree to disagree...I know my friends, and I do not use that word casually, have been instrumental in helping me through life's tribulations...sometimes, they just saying they care as meant the world to me...for me, it makes the journey much easier
  8. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    What are we disagreeing on? :blink:

    Oh do you mean
    in relation to talking with friends?

    If that's it I agree, having a friend(s) to just give a warm encouragment is monumental. Yeah.. Sorry i think I didn't explain what I was meaning. I meant, as in suggesting, in the moment. Offering opinons and direction that you wouldn't come to on your own. I suppose sometimes a friend is pivital in the moment for general support, but for this sort of stuff, ...

    Hmm I dont know actually to be honest. People always want something back or claim some sense of ownership, or mis-understand... Self exploration is a delicate thing. Atleast I think it is. Maybe im hyper sensitive :tongue:
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2011
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Yes, that was the misunderstanding...I have found that my truer self has a voice which I can recognize most of the time...but living life is so very confusing, that I too get lost...thanks for the clarification