I'm not sure if you know what I mean. It's not like possibilities are out of control, it's like everything that means something is getting lost in that motion of possibilities.
Idk im very low right now, but this is.. where i am. I dont feel normal unless Im low, but it's never stationary, it's always lower.. and lower. Like i need to feel something new all the time, something real. And happyness is just an illusoin to me. I don't know how to feel happy, but i know how to feel bad, or wrong.
I'm getting lost in it. I just don't have the energy to try, or I dont feel the energy to want to try. I fuck up on everything.. i hate relating to people, because they know fuck all about what im feeling, cause if u knew what iwas feeling ... meh i guess my problems are pretty simple in comparison, but yeah it's all about the individual and everythings important and yadda.. but it's not in reality. It's all compared and ... has to fit into everything else and its just.. i dont see a point. I cant have afamily, i cant a partner, i cant have friends, i cant have a life... im like that sugar coated rotten apple, except i dont make out im sugar coated, i just .. attract people because im understanding and non definitve to who they are.. but drain the life out of them because ... idk. idk why i dont try. whats the point the ends my destination, the experiences are something i cant experience.. probably because im too stupid to do things right or i hinder myself just in the precise way to handicapp myself, or my ego inflates beyond my capabilities.
im tired... i haTe I HATE feeling things, ideas and dreams that I CANNOT experience. I hate being this way, i hate fucking everything up. i hate only finding myself after beating myself up so much.. i hate feeling vulnerable and LOWER than everyone else. I hate that youre fucking opinons are what I need because I cant fucking think for myself. I hate youre fucking opinons because theyre so FUCKING STUPID. i hate how irrational i feel and how logical i think. I hate the contradictions and compelling desire to destroy or see the worst in things because im terrified of ruining someone elses life up.
now im so embarassed by my own life im..
Why.. how come 90% of the day im underneath everything.. and then when i want to feel me.. im so negative. I wont be happy until i am just about to die and i scream and fight for that last breath with everything taht i am. It's like, in the darkest worst parts i come alive, but in survial.. like it stimulates who i am, forcing me to wake up and feel with everything. You know i fucking could feel normal with someone else.. but you know what will happen. I'll get comfortable. Like i always do with everything, i lose the apprication. Then get lost in a haze.
Now im just meh. This constant mood flowing.. trying to find a center that is me.. trying to show my sad centre a different perspective that i can aim for.. ... it wont let go.
Man fuck life. Sorry... really personal and stupid thread. You know along time ago, this sort of personal exposure would have concerned me... now .. ive bent and lost so much energy that i just.. cant care. Perhaps dont. Can't is an avoidence of responsibility and blaming my issues on something else, when clearly my issues are all self created that have compiled over the years.
I just hate this feeling that I know i have to keep people away. Yet i post here, which conteracts that. ... sigh. I dream one step up, i get help and love and lift 10 more steps... then crash 100 steps when that care is threatened in my head. It's rediculous. It's scary because im like one flowing thought and if i dont stop it, everything just "fits" into place. No matter how that is. Except i cant handle whats happening around me. At all...
I hate being right about myself.. steals the best parts of life away from me. Steals the best people away from me.. Steals everything away.
Own worst enemy i guess...
Idk im very low right now, but this is.. where i am. I dont feel normal unless Im low, but it's never stationary, it's always lower.. and lower. Like i need to feel something new all the time, something real. And happyness is just an illusoin to me. I don't know how to feel happy, but i know how to feel bad, or wrong.
I'm getting lost in it. I just don't have the energy to try, or I dont feel the energy to want to try. I fuck up on everything.. i hate relating to people, because they know fuck all about what im feeling, cause if u knew what iwas feeling ... meh i guess my problems are pretty simple in comparison, but yeah it's all about the individual and everythings important and yadda.. but it's not in reality. It's all compared and ... has to fit into everything else and its just.. i dont see a point. I cant have afamily, i cant a partner, i cant have friends, i cant have a life... im like that sugar coated rotten apple, except i dont make out im sugar coated, i just .. attract people because im understanding and non definitve to who they are.. but drain the life out of them because ... idk. idk why i dont try. whats the point the ends my destination, the experiences are something i cant experience.. probably because im too stupid to do things right or i hinder myself just in the precise way to handicapp myself, or my ego inflates beyond my capabilities.
im tired... i haTe I HATE feeling things, ideas and dreams that I CANNOT experience. I hate being this way, i hate fucking everything up. i hate only finding myself after beating myself up so much.. i hate feeling vulnerable and LOWER than everyone else. I hate that youre fucking opinons are what I need because I cant fucking think for myself. I hate youre fucking opinons because theyre so FUCKING STUPID. i hate how irrational i feel and how logical i think. I hate the contradictions and compelling desire to destroy or see the worst in things because im terrified of ruining someone elses life up.
now im so embarassed by my own life im..
Why.. how come 90% of the day im underneath everything.. and then when i want to feel me.. im so negative. I wont be happy until i am just about to die and i scream and fight for that last breath with everything taht i am. It's like, in the darkest worst parts i come alive, but in survial.. like it stimulates who i am, forcing me to wake up and feel with everything. You know i fucking could feel normal with someone else.. but you know what will happen. I'll get comfortable. Like i always do with everything, i lose the apprication. Then get lost in a haze.
Now im just meh. This constant mood flowing.. trying to find a center that is me.. trying to show my sad centre a different perspective that i can aim for.. ... it wont let go.
Man fuck life. Sorry... really personal and stupid thread. You know along time ago, this sort of personal exposure would have concerned me... now .. ive bent and lost so much energy that i just.. cant care. Perhaps dont. Can't is an avoidence of responsibility and blaming my issues on something else, when clearly my issues are all self created that have compiled over the years.
I just hate this feeling that I know i have to keep people away. Yet i post here, which conteracts that. ... sigh. I dream one step up, i get help and love and lift 10 more steps... then crash 100 steps when that care is threatened in my head. It's rediculous. It's scary because im like one flowing thought and if i dont stop it, everything just "fits" into place. No matter how that is. Except i cant handle whats happening around me. At all...
I hate being right about myself.. steals the best parts of life away from me. Steals the best people away from me.. Steals everything away.
Own worst enemy i guess...