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My thoughts on all this and about me

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by break these chains, Sep 24, 2010.

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  1. Hi everyone, I guess I am one of you. We are the people who dont seem to be complete, for some reason we dont quite fit in in this world.
    But were we born this way or did something happen to make us how we are?

    Are we victims of fate or circumstance? Do we have a genuine reason to feel this way or is it all just our own perspective?

    Its funny never before has life been easier for humans, we work less and have more oppurtunities than ever before. And yet so many of us seem to be unhappy and unfulfilled.
    Maybe we set our expectations of life too high these days?

    Anyway my story if anyones interested ... (sorry for the length but I have to vent)

    Well I just turned 36 and to be honest although I'm not thinking of topping myself right now, the truth is I dont want to keep on going. I have been unhappy for roughly the last 25 yrs. And I just want to write off this life rather than continue such a dismal excuse of an existance.
    At 36 what hope is there to fix the mess that is my life, well its quite possible I suppose. However the feeling of loss for the youth I never experienced will always be there to torment me. And its that I dont think I can handle.

    How did this all happen you may ask?

    Well for the first 11 years of my life I was a very happy child. I was popular and outgoing it was the 1980's and a great time to grow up

    Then at 11 things started to change, firstly I changed schools to a very rough all boys school set in a very poor crime filled district. Being the outsider and a small weedy bespectacled guy I was picked on quite alot. In this school there was a pack mentality and I was the lowest of the low and they made me feel like I was subhuman. In the end I just stopped going to school, I'd register then leave the site and spend the day riding around on my bike.

    Also it was'nt just inside of school I remember being very publicly beaten up near my house and from then on the local kids would humiliate me whenever I ventured out.

    Now all this was'nt too bad and certainly not something to let ruin your life. That was just kids stuff and I did'nt plan on letting it ruin my future. I still had plenty of ambition left to 'comeback' and redeem myself in life.
    It was then that something else happend, just another thing to weigh me down. But it all had an acumalative effect on me.
    At the age of 18 I started to lose my hair!!

    Pfffttt! So what? you probably think.
    But to a young looking guy (at the time I could'nt even pass for 17) it was pretty distressing, whatever small sliver of confidence I had just crumbled away. I looked around me and it seemed everyone else had hair even old men so why was this happening to me?? I knew 2 things firstly there was nothing I could do to combat this and secondly It was only going to get worse. (how unfair).
    I guess looks are important to a teenager, lol actually not just teenagers I guess.

    Anyway I slowly slid into a deeper depression, I had no freinds and shut myself away from the rest of society. And while others had their fun clubbing, dating, and generally enjoying the best years of their life, I just worked and stayed at home lifting weights. Too self conscious to join in with the world around me.

    And thats how my 20's went I just threw away the prime of my life, it was'nt that I did'nt realise what was happening, but I just could'nt bring myself to take the risk and get out there.
    I hated me and everything about myself especially my bald head that made this young guy look like an old man.

    Anyway when I turned 30 I decided it was time to act it was then that I made a mistake. I thought about what was bothering me most and it was the hair (lack of). However looking on the internet I saw something that semed the answer to my problems.
    A hairtransplant! there was this procedure that apparently give me back what I'd lost and I imagined that this could be the thing to give me back my confidence, so I could be like a normal person again.
    Well long story short I had the op and it did'nt work I was conned by a terrible clinic and they butchered my head, in the end I had to go to the U.S to get a real surgeon to try and repair the damage but now I may have some more hair but it does'nt look good and I have to hide the scars on my head, giving me yet more to be insecure about.

    Now reading this I can see that all this does'nt look so bad and the truth is it is'nt. I'm not disabled or anything and that just makes me feel even more pathetic.
    But the thing that I'll never get over is that now I'm not a young guy anymore and I'll always be haunted by what I missed out on.
    I have no past and now I dont see how I can build a future. I have no freinds and have never even had a girlfreind. Now more than ever I cant let people get close to me.

    I guess I'm just destined to grow old lonely and miserable knowing that its all my own fault, but no matter how much I want to I just cant seem to take the risk, because I know I will only fuck it up. After all why would anyone want to be associated with such a loser.
  2. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    First welcome to SF. Second, you can't possibly take blames for everything. Sometime it is just out of our hands. Please keep posting, and when you feel ready try to ask for a buddy to talk one on one. Once you find the right person it can be great support.
  3. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF and thanks for sharing your story. It's always hard to do that.

    I'd just like to say though, that I once had a friend who started losing his hair at the age of 12. By 13 he was entirely bald. I'm not sure what exactly causes this to happen, but you're not alone on it.

    Like Boo said, try to keep posting and try to find someone you'd be comfortable talking with one on one.
  4. Thanks guys, actually I feel better just to have wriiten it all down. Makes me realise that these are just small issues in the whole scheme of things. Yeah they impact my life and hold me back but things could also be alot worse. Hopefully I can give something back by helping some other people on here.

    And as for my hair it was simply plain old male pattern baldness. Just like many men suffer from its just mine kicked in ridiculously early.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Many of us here have found a justification for why we feel so damaged...there is no reason to feel that yours is not as valid as anyone else's...the reality (if there is such a thing) is that we have not spent the time to feel why we are worthy...what if you had to list things about yourself that make you worthy...can you find one thing? if you say 'no', then you have to try again as we all (with the possible exception of sociopaths) have something that is worthy...just my two cents and hope you continue to feel better...big hugs, J
  6. Thanks guys, you know I was worried about joining a site like this. I had expected it to be a dark depressing place. (the media is very negative about suicide forums, especially here in the UK due to recent events). But I have found it very helpful, its good to know that I'm not the only person who feels this way and I hope thats how other people on here feel.
    Anyone who wants some support or just to chat, feel free to PM me.:smile:
  7. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    I haven't seen or heard much in the media about suicide forums, but it could have such a negative aspect to it because people might think it's a place where people go to plan out coordinated suicides with each other, and exchange ideas. SF however, is a place to go to for support from others that have gone through/are going through the same things. A place where you can talk and actually be listened to without being judged for being yourself. Or at least, that's what I see it as. :)
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    The administration here is very good at keeping people from planning. All you get here is support
  9. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. You still have plenty of time to change your life for the better. I'm 55 and this site literally saved me. There are some great people here to talk to and from whom you may get some great advice.

    Without getting into specifics, to answer the first part of your statement...we often discuss whether our situation is a nurture/nature issue or a combination. It's often difficult to get an accurate assessment without therapy.

    If I missed it, are you taking any meds for depression or anxiety? If not, it might help and perhaps you could check into it.

    Regarding your hair...I hope they can at least repair it so that you feel a bit more comfortable but as another person posted above, I know someone that was almost completely bald at 18. He wasn't extremely outgoing either but he is now happily married. There are plenty of women who wont give a shit about how much hair you have...take it easy on yourself.

    All the crap you endured at school may certainly have contributed to how you are currently feeling about yourself but you should let go of that...I had to do the same. You'll see plenty of people at this site who suffered the same of worse.

    Please...again, take it easy on yourself and don't give up...you have plenty of time to make it work. If you ever want to talk further please feel free to pm me any time.

    Take care and good luck...

  10. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    Hi chains, welcome to the forum. I can understand you totally and the pain you are suffering. I lost all my hair by the time i was 20, I've lost count of all the bald jokes my friends told me, never to be nasty but they took their toll anyway. My family broke up when i was young and my mum moved about a lot. I was also bullied at the various schools i went to. pm me if you want to chat. stay safe, stay strong.
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