Hi everyone, I guess I am one of you. We are the people who dont seem to be complete, for some reason we dont quite fit in in this world. But were we born this way or did something happen to make us how we are? Are we victims of fate or circumstance? Do we have a genuine reason to feel this way or is it all just our own perspective? Its funny never before has life been easier for humans, we work less and have more oppurtunities than ever before. And yet so many of us seem to be unhappy and unfulfilled. Maybe we set our expectations of life too high these days? Anyway my story if anyones interested ... (sorry for the length but I have to vent) Well I just turned 36 and to be honest although I'm not thinking of topping myself right now, the truth is I dont want to keep on going. I have been unhappy for roughly the last 25 yrs. And I just want to write off this life rather than continue such a dismal excuse of an existance. At 36 what hope is there to fix the mess that is my life, well its quite possible I suppose. However the feeling of loss for the youth I never experienced will always be there to torment me. And its that I dont think I can handle. How did this all happen you may ask? Well for the first 11 years of my life I was a very happy child. I was popular and outgoing it was the 1980's and a great time to grow up Then at 11 things started to change, firstly I changed schools to a very rough all boys school set in a very poor crime filled district. Being the outsider and a small weedy bespectacled guy I was picked on quite alot. In this school there was a pack mentality and I was the lowest of the low and they made me feel like I was subhuman. In the end I just stopped going to school, I'd register then leave the site and spend the day riding around on my bike. Also it was'nt just inside of school I remember being very publicly beaten up near my house and from then on the local kids would humiliate me whenever I ventured out. Now all this was'nt too bad and certainly not something to let ruin your life. That was just kids stuff and I did'nt plan on letting it ruin my future. I still had plenty of ambition left to 'comeback' and redeem myself in life. It was then that something else happend, just another thing to weigh me down. But it all had an acumalative effect on me. At the age of 18 I started to lose my hair!! Pfffttt! So what? you probably think. But to a young looking guy (at the time I could'nt even pass for 17) it was pretty distressing, whatever small sliver of confidence I had just crumbled away. I looked around me and it seemed everyone else had hair even old men so why was this happening to me?? I knew 2 things firstly there was nothing I could do to combat this and secondly It was only going to get worse. (how unfair). I guess looks are important to a teenager, lol actually not just teenagers I guess. Anyway I slowly slid into a deeper depression, I had no freinds and shut myself away from the rest of society. And while others had their fun clubbing, dating, and generally enjoying the best years of their life, I just worked and stayed at home lifting weights. Too self conscious to join in with the world around me. And thats how my 20's went I just threw away the prime of my life, it was'nt that I did'nt realise what was happening, but I just could'nt bring myself to take the risk and get out there. I hated me and everything about myself especially my bald head that made this young guy look like an old man. Anyway when I turned 30 I decided it was time to act it was then that I made a mistake. I thought about what was bothering me most and it was the hair (lack of). However looking on the internet I saw something that semed the answer to my problems. A hairtransplant! there was this procedure that apparently give me back what I'd lost and I imagined that this could be the thing to give me back my confidence, so I could be like a normal person again. Well long story short I had the op and it did'nt work I was conned by a terrible clinic and they butchered my head, in the end I had to go to the U.S to get a real surgeon to try and repair the damage but now I may have some more hair but it does'nt look good and I have to hide the scars on my head, giving me yet more to be insecure about. Now reading this I can see that all this does'nt look so bad and the truth is it is'nt. I'm not disabled or anything and that just makes me feel even more pathetic. But the thing that I'll never get over is that now I'm not a young guy anymore and I'll always be haunted by what I missed out on. I have no past and now I dont see how I can build a future. I have no freinds and have never even had a girlfreind. Now more than ever I cant let people get close to me. I guess I'm just destined to grow old lonely and miserable knowing that its all my own fault, but no matter how much I want to I just cant seem to take the risk, because I know I will only fuck it up. After all why would anyone want to be associated with such a loser.