My Thoughts On Suicide.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by StevieTheAussie, Oct 4, 2016.


Do you agree with what I've said?

  1. Yes

  2. No

    0 vote(s)
  3. Mostly yes

  4. Mostly no

  1. StevieTheAussie

    StevieTheAussie New Member

    First off, as you may have guessed, I am indeed suicidal. It's nothing unique. Like millions of people on the face of the Earth and throughout time, I am considering ending my own life. Despite all the words I hear from concerned friends and family about how strong I am and how things can't stay bad forever, I desire to cease breathing and destroy any future I may have laying ahead of me, not even knowing whether it truly is good or not. Whatever contributions I make to the world will cease and whatever contributions I may be destined to make will never happen. I may be destined to not only make my way out of unemployment, I may be destined to find a job that I love with all my heart that fills every hope that I could possibly have for a career. I could find a person who perfect matches everything I could want in a partner. I could fall in love with them, get married to them and have beautiful, successful children who could do the same; live wonderful lives and have beautiful successful children and so on and so forth. My family name and blood-line could know happiness and success like nothing anyone has ever known. All of this could truly be waiting in the future ahead and yet I desire to end my life and sever any chance my life or many other potential lives could have at happiness and success and everything else the people wish for.

    Unlike I expect most would believe, I know that there are people who care for me. I've never doubted that. I know that if I did end my life, there would be tears, regret, pain, questions, counseling, perhaps even more death. I know that as worthless as I feel, my death would make a ripple through the lives of the people around me and that its effects would never truly disappear. If I was found swinging from the ceiling or lying on the ground with blood pouring from my neck, there would be an effect. Someone would have to find me, cry over me, blame themselves, the paramedics and such would need to be called, I'd need to be carted away and eventually put in the ground and everyone else would need to go on with life, carrying the scars and burdens that I selfishly left them with. I do understand all of this.

    These appear to be the two biggest reasons why a person with no dependants, no matter what they're going through, no matter how depressed they are, no matter how bleak things may look.... these are the two major reasons a person should continue on with their life. I've spent the last while looking over some sites, seeing what reasons there may be for me to stay ( some links in the description). I've spent time looking over counter-arguments for going through with what's considered to be the biggest end-game of all and even spent time talking with people about it, professional and otherwise. I have sought help about my desire to end my life and my reasons for even considering it. I have talked to people, opened up to them completely and said everything that is on my mind about it all. I've ceased bottling everything up like I did and have sought out every avenue of aid I could in regards to my desire, whether it be counseling, medication, etc. I have tried to extinguish my desire to end my life and find a reason to exist that means something to me. And yes, I did say "a reason that means something to me". Admittedly, I am thinking about myself here, not anyone else, which does in effect make me even more selfish than I am being for considering ending my own life.

    But, this selfishness and uncaring attitude is my answer to the aforementioned two biggest reasons a person should not kill themselves. What if I just don't care? What if, regardless of what happiness or potential may lay ahead of me or what pain and sorrow I may leave behind after my death, I just don't care? I don't care for my own happiness anymore. I don't care for any potential I have. I don't care for whatever good I bring to the world. I don't care for whatever good I will bring to the world. I don't care how hurt my friends and family will be after I'm gone. I don't care if they hurt themselves, or if they need counseling or if they can't manage to keep on living or if my death casts a shadow over the rest of their existence and they curse me for doing it to them til they do die? What if, instead of considering how MY decision about ending MY life may affect others, I want to end my life anyway and just leave the world to deal with the effects? Despite all the reasons people could throw at me to keep breathing and all the reasons I can come up with as well, I just don't want to do it anymore. I wish to welcome whatever comes after the end, whether it be something worse, something better or just a cold, black nothing. What if I want to be selfish?

    From what I've seen and considered about the second of those two major reasons I mentioned, the one that essentially means "think of others", people are being quite selfish concerning my life/death, so why can't I? This reason basically means, "Disregard anything that is going on with you. Think about ME." It means that I should essentially forget about any feelings I may have about the situation, disregard any desires I hold and lay aside any reason I may posses to end my life and continue to go through this existence that I don't want, for the benefit of others. "Don't do it because I don't want you to." However you may think about this, to me, at its core, it sounds rather selfish to me, though I don't and will not hold it against anyone who has, does or will hold this as reason for another person to live.

    But again, I'm going to be selfish and wonder how much a person who holds this reason about me really thinks about me in regards to all of this. Here's a visualization for you. You are incredibly afraid of roller-coasters. As afraid as you actually are of something, this fear you hold of roller-coasters out-strips it by miles. And yet, you are in line with a friend to ride on the mother of all roller-coasters. Without having been asked for permission or told what to expect, you've been moved into this line as it slowly shuffles forward and the people ahead of you get on. Your friend has their own experience on this roller-coaster waiting ahead of them and they're quite excited about it, which is quite the contrast to the fear you're holding, which just rises more with each half-step you make towards the front of the line. Now, I like to think that at this point in time, if a person was in this position and voiced to their friend their fears and their extreme desire to "get off this ride", the friend would agree and allow you to get off. Now instead being forcibly held in line. The line moves forward and you're forced to move forward with it. Eventually you get to the front of the line and you are forcibly placed in the front seat and strapped in so you can't get off, before the people in line, instead of getting being able to get into that same seat with you, stand back and watch as you go through the ride or, if they're trying to be supportive, got into one of the seats behind you and are going through the same event with you, but can only be observers to your own experience of said event. As much as someone may even want to ease your burden or be there help you with this event, or even endure the even in your place, they can only possibly be outside observers and supporters while you are the one who has to go through this event.

    Then, apply this visualization to life. You ask someone to continue to go through something that they don't want to continue to go through with every fibre of their being and the best support you can provide is to be there with them while they continue to endure. Despite the reasons behind this request, this is how I see it when someone asks another person to live when they don't want to.

    The biggest problem that I personally have found with continuing to live, other than my lack of desire to, is a lack of strength. I have tried to live. I've spent a number of genuine years on it. Despite how little life seemed to matter, how much I didn't want to do things such as go to school or to work I did them. People told me to hold out hope and keep fighting and make things better, regardless of whether things wanted to be better or not. Now, at this point in time, I'm being told that I need to do the same thing, but I just don't have the strength left to do it. Friends and family insist that I do, despite my protests. I don't have the strength I need to in order to go to work, or go out with friends, or meet new people or do anything that would lead towards anything resembling a decent life. Add to that the fact I just don't care to anything like that anymore and you've got where I am now.

    And from where I am now, with my level of hope and strength, thinking things over and over, I've come up with two things that I believe to be truth. Not everyone has the same level of strength and not everything ends happy.

    (continued in m reply due to the 10,000 character limit)
    Serein likes this.
  2. StevieTheAussie

    StevieTheAussie New Member

    One of the biggest ways people have tried to instill more will in me is by telling me inspiring stories of other people or themselves when they have overcome hardships, adversity or any number of things that have made their life/lives harder than it could be and yet they've powered through and made it to the other side. My answer to this has always been the same: I'm not them. Just because there was someone else who overcame something, it doesn't mean that I can overcome the difficulties in my own life. I'm not in anyway saying that my difficulties are worse than another persons. I know that there are people in the world who have been through worse than me and have managed to hold on, keep fighting and succeeded. What I am saying is that unlike said people, I just don't have the strength I need to overcome my personal difficulties. For every story there is for someone who showed incredible strength and achieved something amazing, there is another story about someone who's strength simply wasn't enough to overcome the challenges they'd been presented with. Some people end up one of the many fabulous success stories of the world, but some people don't and I've accepted my fate in belonging to the latter group.

    The second biggest way people have tried to instill more will in me is by insisting that things will get better. I also have a fairly common answer to this as well. When it comes to a person considering suicide, somehow, things have been bad enough to get them to that point. Statistically, there's no reason why things would get better. There's no reason why things can't just stay bad or even get worse. There's no counter-balance in life in place to ensure that everyone receives the same level of good and bad events in life. Some people receive more bad things in life than good and vice versa. Pure desire for things to get better and hope for that they will get better WON'T make things better.

    So, those are pretty much the thoughts I've gained concerning suicide over the large amount of time I've had to think about it. One last thing to wrap up this massive mess of monologuing (go alliteration), I figure I may as well answer a question that people may have about me after reading it all. "If you really have given up and really don't care to live, then why haven't you killed yourself already?" Honest answer is cowardice. Despite how much I do want things for me to end, I still manage to be afraid to do it. I have attempted suicide, like I have many other things, but unfortunately, my lack of strength also apparently applies to my ability to end my own life, leaving me stuck where I am. Alive, but not because I want to be.
  3. Briezy

    Briezy Well-Known Member

    Preach it man! This entire thing felt like I was saying it myself. The feelings that you express are what I feel all the time. The lack of strength and ability to end it all are what I face. I have given up on help and treatment and basically put on a face so that people don't bother me about it and try and guilt me or better yet tell me it gets better. I too wish that the pain that I would cause would just cease to exist for all praties. Thank you for sharing. I loved reading it all.
  4. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    God cares about you if you try to be a good person, so there is a "counterbalance". I have experienced it personally. God/higher powers have made a big difference in my life. You have to seek God out.

    My primary reason for not killing myself is because I do care - mainly about what it would do to my parents.
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Wish you had the other option. I don't know, listened and understood what you were saying and a neutral response. Its making me say mostly no but part of me do agree. However sad to say your way of thinking is seen and heard every day across the world. The song you're writing assuming people around you will keep living thr circle of life. But you don't know how much a suicide affects everyone indriectly and driectly on all levels.

    It might be a messed up response from me but today is one of those days when I am jaded and looking at everyone the same. Same old long song, little bit different lyrics and beats to it but yet its still the same beautiful shit in and out just a different day in this rat race.

    Life sure has funny way of connecting all of us.

    Stevie the Aussie I do wish you better feelings like the random smile from a stranger and all of the warm fuzzy things life brings to us who can still feel. Its not cowardice to do the deed but the need of survival to keep going to see what happens next as we are curious what it brings us as its the need of adventure here in this world to keep going. As never know what happens in a heartbeat enjoying the job you love the most and getting stabbed in the heart by a creature and your life is snuffed out just like that. But living to the fullest without regrets. A wild ride we can choose to have or a slow bike ride enjoying each breath of the fresh crisp wind looking at more details or getting your rush by those death brushes....never really know?

    Up to you to change the tune and go on an adventure eh?